Don't Shoot Me Pls!

Okie....my ulcer still hurts. *BlEaH* why oh why is this happening to me? It's almost a week!!!! Go away already...go bug someone else...

You know what? I'm in such a bitching mood today....I'm actually feeling very angry about something but it's so not worth polluting my blog with the situation or even that asshole's name. Really....maybe most of you will know who I'm talking about...go check out his friendster's page...and you'll understand....

But guess what? I wish him happiness...really! Like Oscar said to me, he doubts that this asshole is really happy at all...and apparently, if he was me...he'll be cursing death upon him.

Nahhhh....no point....as I said before...retribution comes upon those who does bad...but boy...sometimes...I feel like going on a revenge rampage...ahhaha....I mean...I can do it...but I don't want too. There's no point. What's the use? I'm happy now...and that's the best thing I can let him see. Me being Happier without him...and one day....I'll find my prince who is wayyyyy better than him....at least more educated!!! ahahah...

Gosh...what was I doing with a college drop out who sells pirated cds by the road side? HONESTLY what the hell was I thinking? God...

Okie...enough Amy...enough...let's move on to something else. Class was a total *snore* in the morning....Liy and I actually ended up taking pictures and having a conversation on paper...ehhehe....

Lunch time came at 11:30....we sat at the plaza like idiots just trying not to fall asleep...thank Goodness Kristo came to my rescue!!! YaY!! We went for a drink nearby...*hey Krist...if you're reading this...we should do this more often yah!!!* Our little gossip session....about you-know-who....*rolls eyes* <----refer to FIRST POST....Mr.Short Tongue...

Went back to Uni...got to class...got into a group of four...me, oscar, liy and Pras...Debbie gatecrashed our class!! eheheh....we were supposed to be having some kind of discussion...but you know....put us together and that's it....we end up talking about something else...laughing our heads off...and become total idiots!

Really Oscar...what's with the "what's up...m**ha f***er?* Really....the black culture....just not you okie...and PLEASE STOP WITH YOUR ANACONDA 2 THINGY!!!! So butch lah!!!! *PiaK*

But we had fun....so much fun!!!! I came home....came online for awhile...talked to Bonita...girl...hurry up and get your ass here!! There's so much to talk and bitch about...so much to do...we'll go on a rampage in KL...we'll make all the yuppies swoon and drop at our feets!!! HAhahHAh...now...isn't that tempting enough?

After that...I went to bed...yes....cozy little bed was calling my name....so I snuggled under the covers....closed the window and *poof* my room went pitch black...lit up some candles...played some Enya...and fell asleep....

Perfect setting i tell ya!! Untill my mobile rang!! Mr. BONG!!! Goshh....he knows me too well...first thing he said was. "AMELIA...WAKE UP YOU LAZY GIRL!!" ahhahaah....

Now...I'm just wasting my time...doing mindless test...apparently...I'm only 28% evil...proven...I'M AN ANGEL!! hahahahahah....I tried answering this 48 question survey...and guess whut? It got wiped out! DAMN...i spent like 20 minutes on it!!!! *&#*$*!!!

Okie...tomorrow....9 o'clock class for me agian...let's see how many hours of sleep i can get tonight....especially when it's MOVIE NIGHT AT OSCAR'S!!!

Sleeping Angel @ PiGgIE's incoherant ramblings...

*SnOoReE*...gosh...I've been like asleep for the whole entire day!!! I think my body has finally shut down and is trying to catch up on the sleep I've been missing out the past 2 weeks.

I slept more than 12 hours straight and then in the afternoon, I even had time to take a nap...and guess what? I'm still SLEEPY!!!

Have you ever woke up feeling disoriented? Well...I did...I woke up and for a moment...I went blank...that lasted for about 5 minutes. I almost couldn't remember my own name! I looked in the mirror and I was like....eh? Geezeeee....that's pretty freaky!!!

Man....how I wished I can just continue to sleep and sleep and sleep and then wait for my prince charming to come kiss me and then ride off in the sunset and life happily ever after? Dang....reality sure is harsh!!!

The only prince charming would probably be some pimply, bad breathed kid who wants to get lucky...*blEaH* I tell you...if i ever succeed in becoming a writer one day, I'm going to stop with all those handsome, perfect prince. I want to tell all the kids in the world that, it's all lies!!! Wake up!!! Smell the roses!!! There are no such thing as GOD-DAMN PRINCE CHARMING!!! It's all an illusion...yes...an illusion.

SiGhHh....BUT....I still want to believe in fairytales. I still want to have fantasies...and I still am waiting for that one guy to sweep me off my feet.Is that why i keep on writing love stories? Is that why I've my nose permanently buried in happy ending novels?

Yeah....why? Because I'm yet to find my happy ending...but hey....I'm taking my own sweet time...I'm only 21 anyway...I've still years to go...and heck...to find that one 'perfect' guy....it takes time....you know...screen through your choices....HAHAHAHH....*shakes head* gosh...this is what too much sleep does to my brain....permanently make it stagnant...thinking of nonsens....

Darn...my ulcer is freaking annoying me. Not only has it gotten bigger...it's really painful!!! I tried salt...savlon....even that chinese herbal medicine....IT STILL HURTS!!!!! *sob sob*

Enough about my dumb ulcer...I'm going to use the power of mind and pretend its not there. Yes...it doesn't exists....it's not painful.....*ouch*

Today, I actually watched 'Zhan Shen' agian from episode 1 till 9. Zaizai....wo ai ni!!! AHhahAHhaH....Gosh....if you watch Meteor Garden agian, you can actually see this 23 year old grow and become more mature! He's really came a long long way....and his acting has improved so much! Oh man...he's my prince charming...always will be my prince charming...*swoon*

I love his character 'Ling' in that series....but I rather call him using their Japanese names. Sounds so much better...'Rei' Man...I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend like 'Rei'...even though he's a bit mental at times....

HmMmM...but then agian...the grass is always greener on the other side.

Gosh...when it boils down to reality, it'll be physically and mentally tiring to be with someone like 'Rei'.

I guess I need a man who's mature and at least somewhat intelligent and can hold a proper conversation. Someone who understands me and someone who won't suffocate me. I don't know....I need someone who will give me space and freedom to fly...but also someone who can pamper me and give me the love I need...

I was with my cousin just now. Hanging out at her place agian, having a girly chat. You know how there are so many fake people around us? In front of you, they put on a big smile, give you a big hug and then act as your best friend. Behind you, they back stab and bitch about you.

It's really sad that people like these exists. But it's a men eat men world and when we're put out in the working world, we'll automatically be on survival mode. We need to protect ourselves and safe ourselves right?
So no matter how nice you are to people, there will be someone to just eat you up.

My thought on that? Just do everything and treat everyone with LOVE. Really...it makes alot of difference. As i said before, I hate being fake. If i don't like you, then I won't bother with you. But if I did...then everything i do or say is out from the heart and with love.....isn't that what friendship is all about?

YEAH YEAH....KARMA JUNKIE AGIAN!!! I should just shut up now....go back to sleep....GeEeZzE...too much sleep really did something weird to my brains....

Maybe I should light up some of my aromatherapy candles and just sit in the dark, listening to Sarah McLachlan's angelic voice...it always calms me down and gives me inspiration...yeah...that's what i should do.....

From Angel to Bitch

Yes...I'm officially P.O at an idiot who's nothing but a rubbish to society. I know i know...I've been preaching about controlling my temper...about spreading the love...bla bla bla...

God..I'm only human and I'm not perfect!!! Can somebody please tell me why on earth does people who has probably only half a brain with no personality what-so-ever exists in this lovely planet of ours?

Now I know why we need a license for owning a gun. If i had one...imagine the damage I'll cause...no...actually....Let's put it this way....if I had a gun...I'll be helping the society sweep off bad rubbish.

Gawd....imagine sitting on the same table with a laughing baboon, dotted with pimples and thinks he's all that great......UGHhhHh...

Stare at me for another minute and I swear I would've used my chopsticks to dig his tiny black coaled eyes out.

I mean...who would ever say this to a person you meet for the very first time? " I know you like me...." WHAT THE....

I wouldn't even look at you if you were the last pig on earth asshole!!!! I would rather just jump of the cliff and die with the rest of human kind to be stuck on earth with a brainless monkey like you!!!

Guess whut? He got my mobile from another friend of mine!!! What did he do? Call me while I was taking my long deserved nap.

First word= "Hi babe...this is your dream guy calling..."

My answer= "You mean my worst nightmare?"

ArgHhHh...he has such thick skin!!! He thought I was joking? Hell nO! I'm dead serious...Look...I don't even remember his name.

Low life creep...doesn't he have anything else better to do than bug the living daylights out of me?

I hate being mean...and I hate being blunt. But...maybe coz the drowsiness sort off clouded my mind, so I actually listened to him talk crap. Okay...fine...I admit...I was curious how stupid one person can get so I carried on listening.

Boy!!! I regretted that...listening to him speak has made me suddenly feel like I've lowered my IQ or something.....maybe stupidity is contagious?

So there I was....running a slight fever....my eyes closed....listening to this baboon go on and on about how he was 'so popular' with girls.

Trust me...if there's any girls interested in him....they're probably blind or deaf.

I finally couldn't take it....and told him. "Look...I'm sorry to say this...but I'm a real busy person with a life. I've no time for all this...and I seriously don't think i can fit you anywhere in my schedule or life right now. So please, don't call me agian...I'll call you when I'm free."

Blunt? Rude....heck...that's the very first time I ever said that to a guy or a human as a matter of fact. After I slammed down the phone and deleted his number *the idea of his memory in my life is enough to make me puke*, I actually felt bad...yeah....for a second!!!!

Thank God, with the little brains he had, he didn't call back. Coz if he did...I'll seriously loose it. Don't mess with a tired, feverish and grumpy angel....it's not a pretty sight....seeing a white angel turn black and nasty.

Angels of The Night

GahhhHh....I've forgotten what it feels like to wake up in the morning and sleep at night. For the past 2 weeks...I've been sleeping at almost 6 in the morning, waking up at about 3 in the afternoon.

Healthy lifestyle? Hah...*smirk* How bout imagining Amy walking down the streets, sporting panda eyes as her new fashion statement? Good Idea??? Maybe I'll start a new pop culture eh? Yeah...panda eyes should be like...whut...the new jeans?

GoDdDdDd....and here I am...naive little me...thinking that my one week holiday is enough to recuperate all the lost sleep. Boy was I wrong!! I spend most of the week out! Yes...spontaneous Karaoke....Late night 'yam char' sessions...Clubbing....shopping....chit chatting....

But you know what? Despite all the complaints and whinning...I LOVE IT!! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE TASTE OF FREEDOM!! I love love love having being able to go out with whoever i want...whatever time i want....do whatever i want....

Gosh....I've never loved my life so much as I do right now!!! I enjoy giggling and laughing like idiots at Chili's with Debbie, Oscar and Rachel...I have fun being in the VVIP section in Zouk....I love the feeling of just cruising out of the house in the middle of the night when Ivan decides that he wants to go for a drink at 2 in the morning...hehee....

So, despite all the eye bags...and me looking pale....I still love doing it and I wouldn't change or exchange it for sleep even for a second. No...I want my life to continue like this. No more chains to tie me down...no more useless piece of shits giving me headaches....no more feeling pissed off or annoyed at one particular asshole....

I'm so happy...yes....happy happy happy as a bee....

Oh yeah....and I was watching Orange Days for the 5th time in less than 2 months...*hiroki...tsumabuki...SwOoOon* eheheh...but no...really...I love this drama.

First off, Kou never fails to make me cry in the 2nd episode about her going of about why is that only happening to her? I somehow can relate to her questions and how she felt. There was a point in my life, a few months back when I was sitting in my room.

I looked around me and I suddenly felt as if I couldn't breathe. I felt suffocated. It became so bad, that i had to take out every single picture i had of 'wank soon' from my photo frames. When I finally did that, I felt so much better.

I sometimes now whack myself in the head for being so stupid. So stupid for not leaving him earlier....so stupid for not being able to free myself from the prison he made from me.

But hey...the past is the past...and I'm glad I'm free now...hmmm...i wonder if my prince in shinning armour would one day come and sweep me off my feet? Yeah right!!! FAIRYTALES!!!

Let's just say....I've a feeling....that the next relationship would be better....*fingers crossed* But for the moment...let me have fun with all my friends!!!! Let me fly!!!

In ThE mINd Of A BorEd-Ess (bORed+ Goddes)

Holidays are finally here. A week that is...and I thought to myself. "FINALLY! I can catch up on my rest and things i want to do."

I was wrong. I'm still bogged down with assignments and exams. Gosh. I just want this term to be over!!!! But then agian, when I'm at home, I wished I was going off to class the next day. Not to study or listen to the lecturer's talk about nonsensical issues that we pay them too, but to be with my darling friends who are like the sunshines in my life.

I'm only 21, and life has come to this? Total boredom? Nothing to do? Nothing to look forward too? OH NO!!! This isn't good....nope...it ain't good at all. I should be driven to do something, to be hyper or something. Not feel totally drained and stressed out! I feel as if i was 40 instead of 21.

Lately, I think all the work load and lack of sleep has gotten to me. My body doesn't feel as if it's mine anymore. I'm numb all over. I NEED A MASSAGE!!! GeEeZzEEe..I need more than a massage....I need a holiday! I need to get out of Malaysia. Maybe I should head down to Singapore eh? Yeah...maybe that's what I should do during Christmas. Spend some time with my long lost friends there.

Okay...the thing is, when I'm bored, my mind begin to do weird and crazy stuff. I begin to question myself. But before you go getting the wrong idea, I'm not crazy neither am I a depressive maniac.

It's just that, life in whole fascinates me. Especially us, human beings. They are such...complex creatures yet...sometimes so simple, its like reading a book.

So, there I was, sitting in a cafe, sipping my chamomile tea to soothe me and typing away on my notebook, trying to unclutter my brian. Then at one point, I looked up to get some inspiration.

What do I see? A guy digging his nose thinking he was doing it discreetly...but hey! I saw it!!! Then a woman in her 40's probably, with a pear shaped body and was wearing this ultra mini shorts started to scratch her hass.

Yes, I almost chocked on my tea to burst out laughing. The thing people do when they think nobody is watching. *ShaKeS hEaD*.

Then of course, there's your usual lovey dovey couple, who hooked onto like jelly fished unable to seperate. To be young and to be in love....isn't that a wonderful thing?

I've not given up on love. I think it's something to look forward too. To meet the guy who makes you all weird and I don't know...anxious? Then to miss him when you don't see him or talk to him. To look forward with spending time with him. Then of course....you want to do everything for him. To take care of him, to be there for him, to hold him when he's down and to smile and laugh with him when he's happy.

Gosh....I can't wait to find the next person who I'll give my heart too agian. But hey....when it comes, it comes. When it doesn't....then let it be. I'm not someone who goes looking desperately for a guy. I believe in fate.

Maybe I should stop sounding like some Karma junkie. But that's me. I don't like to let the past hold me down, stop me from loving agian. You learn from the past and then you move on. You embrace what had happened and then you don't turn around agian.

Hurt and pain is inevitable. But it'll definately make you stronger and wiser. That's good you know...for your next relationship. Then you'll know how to handle things better. Learn how to appreciate him or her more and not repeat the same mistake you've done in the past.

I guess in some ways, I'm really lucky to get my life back. I'm only 21 and my life has only just begun.

Like I was at my cousin's place the other day, lounging on her terribly comfy sofa as we sipped our apple juice, we started to talk about life and love in whole.

When she was younger, she went out with this guy for 9 years. She was so blindly in love with him, she didn't listen to what others said. Didn't believe he was two-timing her. She patiently waited for him with hopes to marry him one day. But because she was always flying (air-stewerdess), only her friends and family knew what kind of bastard Noelle really was.

True enough, when she hit 29, he dumped her for another girl. Or rather she found out about it. Imagine, 9 years with a guy, your entire youth given to him, only for him to destroy it in a matter of seconds.

Where is he now? Married to the woman he cheated on and has 2 kids now. My cousin? Well...I wasn't born yet when that incident happen. But as far as i could remember, she's been dating men from all over the world. Now, she's found one stable one who i really approve off. But they've no intention of getting married what-so-ever due to racial issues.

I told her, you're 45 and I'm 21. I haven't gone through as much or have experienced as much as you did. But i know somehow, you're holding on to the past. That's why your relationships doesn't work out. Because you're afraid.

I can't be afriad anymore. No relationships are guaranteed. Heck...if it came with a guarantee card, I would've asked for an exchange a long time ago. But no. Life and love is like that. Problems will always be there to bug you. Either you face it or don't. I choose to face it.

Running away isn't excatly the best solution. Maybe denial is?But if you can turn every unhappy thing into something positive...wouldn't live be much more brighter? The road and path you choose more clearer?

Goshh..I really did a whole load of rambling crap in one session. Maybe its the tea....Yes...it's definately the tea!!!

FrEeDOoM!!

Imagine me cruising down the freeway, singing Robbie William's song on top of my lungs. Yup...that's excatly how I feel. I feel as if I've been reborn agian or something.

Wait...maybe I'm feeling that way because of the adrenaline rush and the lack of sleep I had. Yup....I only had 5 hours sleep in 3 days. And I kept on forgetting to eat my meals. I think all i had in that 3 days were just some slice of bread or something. Yeah...that is how busy i've been. Rushing for assignments at the very last minute.

Gosh....I've always been very disciplined, making sure that my assignments get done and stuff like that. Why oh Why do i have to leave all my work to the very last minute??? Worst....I totally forgot i had an assignment due on Friday and i only found out about it at 1am on Wednesday. The same time i was panicking out of my freaking mind to finish up my Client's brief.

But thanks to Ivan and Oscar who had helped me so much!!! *HuGgGzZz* Wouldn't have done it without you guys. Anyway, guess what? I rushed like a mad person for my Friday's due date and got to Uni late only to find out that Pn.Anita has pushed the date to Monday!!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT I FELT AT THAT TIME?

All the trouble i went through for NOTHING. I didn't sleep, eat and was falling asleep behind the wheel for whut? Gosh...but i didn't care. I told her, take it...i don't want to see this assignment anymore!!!

Nothing else is in my head now...except assignments, assignments and more assignments. God...i'm so beat...i can just collapse!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

But amazingly...I've never felt more at peace or happier than before. I feel free....and less suffocated. I guess my chains have been finally unlocked....

And then agian...I'm going through that emotional roller-coaster. Freaking stress....makes me panicky....hyper.....nervous...upset....ARGhHH....

I've no time for anything!!! Not even my writing...I tried sitting down to write a few days ago, but all i could think off was the Law Policy i had to come up with. This is screwed up!!

Let's hope this one week holliday, i can really rest and blardy get back some of my sleep. I'm starting to look like a panda and that's not good!!!

Life with a twist of Lemons

I was cruising down the freeway on my way to University this morning, listening to Chester's crooning of Don't Stay and it suddenly hit me. This song is something I want him to hear, especially this part.

Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe

Sometimes I need you to stay away from me

Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know

Somehow I need you to go

Don’t stay

Forget our memories

Forget our possibilities

What you were changing me into

Just give me myself back and

Don’t stay

Forget our memories

Forget our possibilities

Take all your faithlessness with you

Just give me myself back and

Don’t stay

Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well

Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself

Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know

Somehow I need to be alone

I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored

I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away

I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored

I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away

With no apologies

Yes, I really want him out of my life. I'm praying hard, he doesn't come stalking me and bugging my life once that girl leaves. I just need to get my life back on track.

After awhile, I started to think about life. Yes. L.I.F.E....a little too heavy for the morning but, I couldn't help it.

I started to ask myself, What is Life? Is there a meaning to it? What is my purpose on this earth? Is it to help someone? To recieve help from someone? To learn something? To teach something? Am I all that usefull?

Then I looked around me, these people...similar to me...sitting in their own machineries, looking blankly ahead or doing their own things. What's going inside their heads? Isn't it amazing how the world seems so huge, yet it's so tiny? Every single person in the whole stretch of road, they lead a different life, they have different personalities, they have different backgrounds...but yet....in the end...we're the same...

Life doesn't actually revolves aroun one person or one thing. No matter what happens, life goes on. The sun will still shine and people will continue to live.

I decided as I reached the carpark of my University, I should look at life in a broader horizon. The world is my oyster...there's no limit to my dreams...there's no ending until I decided to put that fullstop. Yes, I'm feeling optimistic about things today.

My taste of life? Take it with a little pinch of salt and lemon. It's sour...but it'll be sweet when you accquire the taste. I laughed, I cried, I sang and I danced. I'm so glad that I'm human...and I'm able to feel all that emotions.

Nobody needs to understand me or accept me. As long as I learn how to accept myself. I can make a choice right now. To be filled with HATRED and ANGER or to be at peace with LOVE and FORGIVENESS. I choose the latter.

Having to hate someone....to be angry at someone...takes too much energy. But to love someone and to forgive them, is something one must do to get peace and serenity in life.

From now on, I'm going to follow my heart. Follow my soul and that little voice that has never been wrong. I'm going to treat hate with love, anger with patience and jealousy with kindness.

I truly believe in retribution....if one has done bad...he or she...will pay for it in the end. I'm not going to play God and punish him or her for the things they've done.

A Black Viel.

For the past 5 years, a black viel covered my eyes, my thoughts and my mind. I only saw the world he painted for me to see, lived in the world he built for me and only listened to his voice who commanded me.

I was in fact, a puppet who never saw the light and the reality of the real world.

It wasn't until recently, that black viel was pulled away by all my supportive friends, knocking senses into my head and also trying to undo the damage he had done with my mind.

They showed me that there's more to life than only the one I was made to see. They made me realized he had been manupilative and cunning all these while. They made me see that all the time I've been protecting him was actually a sort of reassurance to my phatetic little self.

Little by litte, I realized how malicious and poisonous he was. How many times have he lied to me? How many times has he cheated on me? How many times must I fall into his trap?

Not anymore. That viel has been removed. I can see now and am no longer blinded by his sweet words and hypocritical ways.

I'm glad....I'm happy...that I'm out of this abusive relationship.

I was made to wonder last night, how I really felt about him? I came to one conclusion. I stopped loving or being in love with him almost a year ago. That is why I don't hurt as much as I did before. In fact....I never felt freer and lighter in my whole entire life.

Do I regret ever being with him? Honestly, No. I see things in a very simple way. We did have our good time after all and we did at one point loved each other.

I believe that there's a reason to everything you do and everyone you meet. He was probably one of the person who stumbled into my life to teach me something.

I guess....being sad is inevitable but once I'm over being sad, I know for a fact that I'll be stronger and wiser.

Last night, Debbie, Rachel, Oscar, Kevin and I sat in Starbucks from 10 pm till 3 pm...talking basically about life and everything under the sun, moon and stars.

As I sat there, listening to my friends chatter, I realized how lucky I am to be sitting there with these group of people who are willing to help me during this rough patch of my life.

What will I ever do without them? I really don't know....I might not be as strong as I am right now. I don't feel as lonely anymore. Because I know, they are actually only a phone call away.

How can I be so stupid to let him poison my mind? Making me shun these wonderful people away? Making me believe that they're there to backstab me when in fact it was he who did all the shit?

They made me realize how insecure he was and how controlling he is. I pity him. I really do...that's why I can't hate him.

I realize now, he's just this boy...who is so insecure of his own self and is so lost in his own world, he needs someone to control, to make him feel superior, to make him feel good about himself. Is that why he does not own a proper job? Is that why he mixes with friends who are younger and more naive than he is so that they look up to him like a God?

The answer, Yes. That is why....I really pity him. As a human, I can definately say...he's a failure...and if one would look deeper and not allow him to hypnotize your mind...then one would know...he isn't as confident and as smart as he makes it look.

I decided yesterday, that this chapter of my life has ended. What is to come? I don't know. Would it be better? Let's hope so.

For I know I've moved on...I've let go...because yesterday, I laughed for the first time in 5 years...and it felt good.

For Better or For worst

For better or for worst....I'll try to stand on my own two feet agian...with or without you...life goes on....as time passes...pain will fade...pain will ease....soon....your voice will become a soft whisper...and your face a hazy blur...and then your phone number would be a task to remember....

Yes...I've let go....long before today...but it still hurts...to be betrayed...to be lied too...and to be put down that way...

Why did i endure the pain and poison you injected in me for so long? I don't know...comfort zone perhaps. Why did I allow you to call me names? Why did I allow you to controll my life? Why did I allow you to diss my friends? Why did I allow you to cause me pain?

I was plain stupid.

When I saw the pictures....I was surprised how painful that really was....more like a slap in the face...I didn't think twice when I dialled your number...and asked you...why did you lie to me? Your reply..."Emm...emm..." slam down the phone...and switch it off.

Did i cry? No...I was just numb....maybe in the past...i will...but not anymore...you're not worth my tears no more.

But yes...what you did was a blow to my self esteem...my courage and confidence....I've started to hate myself way before this...but i don't blame you...nobody is to be blamed...except me...

Is cheating on your other half justifiable? Never....but it does happen....and it will continue to happen...

I don't know how to feel anymore.....But...Thank You Oscar...for feeding me today....for being there for me....and for talking to me....I know I might've sounded stupid...but I will take your advice in consideration...

Let's hope that.....I'll meet with a miracle one day.....coz I really don't want to stop believing.....

Shattered Trust, Broken Heart...

First of all, I would like to thank all my wonderful friends, Oscar, Liy, Debbie, Bonita, Corinne and Dira who were by my side to give me some encouraging words and support.

I guess in certain ways, my relationship with Wai Soon was doomed from the begining. Some of you asked me, 'Do you honestly love him Amy?' I can't answer you. Most of the time, I answered. 'I do love him...but...I'm not sure anymore."

Why I stuck out with him? I guess I was in that comfort zone...we were together for 5 years...we grew up together, went thru hell and back and hell agian together.

I've been wondering for the past few months, was he really 'the one' for me. Everyone around me...has been advising me...that he wasn't my type. Wasn't compatible with me. Why didn't I see it? Was I that blind?

No...i did see it. But i was afraid to let it go. I know that sooner or later i've to leave him. Because I was feeling suffocated by him. Yes...i did a mistake ONCE...a long time ago...but i made up for it...and he should've stopped controlling my life after that.

He shouldn't diss my friends, stop me from going out with them or even stop me from having guy friends. I shouldn't have allowed him to controll my life. But i did. That's why it's time for me to let go. I need my freedom and my space to breathe.

People said that he would be the one who destroy my life. To push me down. To never let me fly and be free. I'm glad I've made the choice to leave him now. Even though it hurts...and it had to end up this way.

Being lied to and betrayed....it's never easy...but he's a hypocrite for doing what he did. He went harping about the importance of trust. How i shouldn't mix with guys. How no guys should be calling me and how i shouldn't go out with any guys.

Am I angry? I was at first....very angry...for being betrayed. But now...I'm just thankful. Thankful i found out earlier and thankful that I didn't make a wrong choice to go into marriage and then later end up in divorce.

I guess I knew from the begining. My body started to reject him but my mind was telling me..."Hey...you still need him..." I remember how I would pull away from his touch...i didn't like him kissing me....neither could i stand him most of the time. I got irritated by him easily and I just didn't miss him anymore. My heart was dead long before i found out he betrayed me.

Was it my fault? I don't know...but hell...when a guy cheat on you....it makes one wonder. Am I not good enough? Am i that ugly? Am i not thin enough?

Yes....that's what i'm feeling now. Maybe I wasn't pretty or thin enough...or maybe i wasn't a good girlfriend?

But my mother...she's happy. She said that i deserved better. But hey...isn't that what people always say to cheer you up?

Somehow...I looked into my future and i really don't see him there. I can't...because if he was....i really felt i can't breathe.

I don't know....I'm sad because I thought i can trust him...I'm sad because of all the promise that he made was just empty words...I'm sad because he lied to me...and I'm sad because I sacrificed my friends...my life...my happiness just for him. In return I get this crap? Do I deserve all this? Am I torturing myself?

Yes...I was torturing myself. I was never that happy...but i kept on telling myself...I was...

The tears i shed...was minimal compared to the past. The pain i feel is not as much as i did as before....But....yes...it still hurts....the anguish and pain...but i don't hate him. We did have great times. We grew up together....but what's a relationship really? Is it because of the memories?

I need my wings back....I need my freedom...and I need to get my life back on track. I need to chase my dreams....dreams that would be impossible if I was still with him.

Like a bird...my wings had been cliped for 5 years...I'm afriad to fly alone...afriad to see what's beyond the cage I've been kept in. But i'll try...I'll try to learn how to fly without him....

A brand new life...a brand new soul...a brand new personality....

To all my wonderful friends out there....don't worry about me...I might be miserable for a short period...and I might need you for my support and strength...and maybe a shoulder to cry on once in awhile...but when i'm done crying...when i'm done being sad...

Be there for me when I smile agian...when the old and happy Amy comes back.....

Bitching and Chewing Gum

OH GOD! I swallowed a chewing gum while driving back from Uni yesterday. I know it's harmless but...hell it's uncomfortable!!! It's like this big grape flavored clay stuck in betwen my throat.

Okay, nothing interesting happened during the week...but one thing for sure is...we got 'MADAM' Hakimah to resign!!! Oh YeSsS!! We are cruel and evil students.

Hey, basically, it's not any of our faults. Joseph Fernandez from the main campus in Australia came to moderate us and also lectured us for two periods. Oh man...the difference between his lecture and that stupid dumb bitch lecture was like....eating ice cream and eating shit. Get what i mean? He was very clear, very straight to the point and we understood everything in the snap of a finger. He was that good!

When he was done, he asked us if we all had to present anything today and we said yes. We had 8 presenters and he was shocked! We then proceeded to tell him what we were about to present and all and he was appalled. Because we are going to present on chapters that wasn't even taught yet!!!

Then he asked us what was the going-on's in class and you can actually see his beady little eyes growing wider. Before we left, he said in a very serious tone. "This is very shocking. I'll look into it."

*bANg* The next day, we went into Anita's class who is by the way our programmed leader. She announced that she wanted to see all students who took Journalism after class.

She sat us down and asked us what happened. Apparently Hakimah was adamant about resigning and had already handed in her pass and tag. I asked her if it was our doing? And she said no. Joseph probably didn't give Hakimah any face and scolded her for being such a lousy lecturer.

Later, I went for lunch with Mr. Bong and told him everything. I told him that I actually feel a little guilty for being part of the gang who made Hakimah resigned. He told me. "Why are you so soft hearted? You paid as a student to get quality lecturers. Let her go. It's good to see bad apples rot away outside."

He was right. There was no point having a lecturer like her in our class teaching us nothing but air.

Oh well....that's that and I've to live with it. It just proves that she's not strong enough to actually withstand us....it's true...never look down on your students. Especially when they're degree holders.

I'm going to meet up with Mr.Bong for tea on Sunday....we had a very serious talk about my future and which road I should take after I leave the Uni. I sometimes feel as if he has too high hopes on me...and I'm so afriad to let him or anyone down.

*sIGh*

I don't know...I'm feeling a little depressed lately...maybe because of all the stress and work piling up in front of me.

It's my fault....my fault for not following my timetable...my fault for being sometimes lazy...and my fault for being too engross with things that isn't very important.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't even know who I am anymore...I'm begining to hate myself...appereance...personality and all....

What has become of me? Where have the bubbly and optimistic Amy gone? I don't know...if you find her....tell me.