I don't even know where to begin. Time has been passing by at light speed that its getting too scary for me. No.1, I've a week more to go before I'm officially no more a "student". Can you imagine? For the past 19 years out of 22 years of my life, I've been studying. Starting from kindergarden up till University.

Now...I'm stepping out into the working world. It's like a whole new chapter of my life. Scary and exciting. Weird...but somehow, I feel a little heavy hearted to walk out of the place where I spent most of the time complaining and whinning about. Looking back, I don't really want to leave. I somehow want to forever be the carefree student whose only worry is graduating and passing my exams or when my presentation or assignments is due.

I sat at my laptop today, looking at the essay I was typing and it suddenly hit me. This is going to be my final assignment. My final work that I'm going to ever hand up to a lecturer. On the 8th of June...will be my last time, sitting for an exam.

Man...this is all tooo weird. I've spent half my life cursing the person who invented 'exams' and now....*shakes head*

Its funny really. When you're a kid, all you want to be is a grown up. Now, you're a grown up and all you want to be is to never grow up.

I guess...I'm right smack in the middle. I still want to be a kid but at the same time, I want to be a grown up. To have a career I love and enjoy and to earn my own money and spend my own money.

Less than a week actually.....I'm off....no more LUCCT....no more loafing around The Plaza, no more ciggie breaks at the emergency exit, no more hanging out and talking nonsens with friends outside Wings Coffee...no more entering class late and giving lame excuses, no more fun and weird doings when we are bored, no more driving for 35 mins, no more assignments stress....no more presentations...no more exams....

HmMMm...I know I'm supposed to be really stressed out about my finals, but I'm not. In fact, I've been having too much fun....going out almost everyday, coming home in the early hours of the morning...

No, don't get the wrong idea. I've not been clubbing...only on weekends and ladies night. I've been just hanging out with a couple of buddies, all from different groups. We're one crazy bunch. But I love them.

We get bored at 12 in the morning and decide to drive up to Genting (to those who are not local, Genting is in another state in Malaysia) or when we're done hanging around till 2 in the morning, we drive to Ipoh for breakfast. We even drove to Malacca the other day just for 'satay celop'. Nutz huh?

*sIGh* I'm going to miss some of them. They're all flying off overseas and here I am...stuck in old boring Malaysia. Old boring stuff...redundant people...redundant life.

Not that I hate it, but....let's just say you go clubbing...you're bound to bump into at least 10-20 people you know. Or you go to a mamak, BoOOM...there you go, people you know sitting a few tables away. Or if you go to a nice chillout place, you bump into familiar faces agian.

I'm kinda bored of seeing the same peeps the same faces....maybe that's why I can't be bothered with those guys at the moment. BorINg!!!

Someone...anyone....save me!!!! Take me out from here....maybe for a month or two and I'll be forever grateful....:)

Lately, I've been feeling a little confused and nostalgic. Maybe because he came back and threw my life into this big whirlwind of confusion. Why can't he just have stayed in Melbourne? *Sigh*

To those who are going..."WHO?!?!" He's my childhood friend. We knew each other since we were both in primary but he migrated to Melbourne with his family and never did came back.

I never thought he would suddenly appear in my life like a jackrabbit on my birthday. Of course I was delighted to have met him agian. Boy oh boy...did he change from the stocky little kid. He grew up...and yes...he grew into this really charismatic, tall, charming young man.

Obviously I was really happy to meet an old friend and we were just catching up with old times, filling in the blanks and stuff like that. One call led to another meeting...and another...and another....

Well...you know Amy...she's oblivious to her surroundings. It wasn't until a friend of ours called me and said. "You know...either you're really stupid or you're just playing blind to his moves..."

What moves?!?!?! I thought we were just friends. Yup...right after those words left my mouth, I was suddenly asked out for a real 'date'. Remember how I never actually been on a date. Well, now I know what a date is all about. He came with flowers and took me out for dinner.

Honestly....I find it too good to be through. It's like...too fake? Fine...I know I'm being demanding...but....you can't blame me.Not after what I've been through in the past.

He did ask me if there's any chance for us to be a couple. That's the thing. I do like him....but...I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be ready to be with him just yet. I'm still in the process of finding myself and trying to love myself.

How can I love someone if I don't love myself right? And if I did give it a try...what will it lead too? Maybe he's too perfect for me...until everything seems so unreal. He's sweet, romantic, loving, smart and alsot really good looking.

I guess he's like what most of you will say. MY TYPE. but...I guess its the timing you know...its all wrong. He did say he'll wait...but...it won't be fair for him right? Making him wait...he does after all, deserves the best and I'm not sure if I'm the best.

He just went back to Melbourne for 2 weeks to settle all his immigration stuff and will come back to Malaysia for good after that. He did say he wanted to cut his trip short and come back to see me. But....I told him to stay because its a good time for me to think about things and basically...just concentrate on all my dumb assignments.

I really don't need another stress in my life at the moment. Maybe I've become so independent and free that thinking of being tied down is just too.......suffocating. I know he will give me my freedom and all the trust I want...but....the question is...am I willing to trust him with my heart?

UgHhH....I really need to get my thoughts back on track. I can't let guys run my life. I've already made up my mind about concentrating on my graduation and then building my career. Why on earth does he have to come back now?

I'm just glad he's not like the other guys I've been with. One thing is...maybe all this while, I've this perfect image of my perfect guy with perfect personality in my mind. And suddenly, this perfect guy turns up and I get scared and find it all so unreal.

I remembered when he left for Melbourne and he was hugging me goodbye, all I could think of is...."run Amy...run!!! Save yourself...." But when he's gone, I found myself missing him.

Anyway...like I told my best friend. "If he's really sincere, then he'll wait until I'm ready."

God knows when only will I be ready...but honestly. I think I need a breather. After my break up with Wai Soon...it was one after another. I really need to take a long holiday and be with myself.

Like Bonita adviced me....I shall not let my emotions over rule my head and I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet without letting another guy push me down.

So I guess....we'll just see how things build from here. But you know what's the worst part? When your friends and family absolutely adores him......my mom thinks he's great and asked me why don't I give him a chance.

He's such a sneaky little twerp! Instead of attacking my heart first, he attacks the heart of my family! BleAhHhH....

I'm just glad he'll never read this blog...one thing I love about him is that for a 23 year old, he's very responsible and mature about things. Not mature in the sense of....yeah, people say I'm mature...then I'm mature. He's mature in ways that I've never seen before in a guy and I really respect his goals, his principles and his philosophy of life.

But....I've to draw a line. Do I love being with him or do I love the idea of being with him. I guess...I'll think about that after my final exam. Until then....the only love of my life is going to be my books, my assignments and myself.

Selfish huh? SO whut....I should be!

*BoiNg BoINg bOiNg*

Imagine Tigger from Winnie the Pooh bouncing up and down like he just ate some jumping jelly beans. Yup...that's excatly how I feel right now.

Blame it on the white chocolate macadamia cake I shared with my mum today. Man...it was delicious!!! But...the effect it had one me...SUGAR RUSH!!! You know...Amy+Sugar= Bouncing off the walls.

Amazing how when I've some sugar in me, I suddenly have the inspiration to write agian. Usually, I'll just sit at my computer table, staring at a blank white screen, trying to crack my head to come up with at least one coherant sentence. Be it for assignment or an update on my blog.

Today....I've decided to actually bring up a very sensitive topic. No...it's not about love....or friendship....but it's about the harsh reality of life and gender biasness in the working world.

What provoked me to actually write this? Believe or not, Gender issue is part of our syllables in our PR International class.

Like it or not, the word "SEXUALITY" is actually a very big issue that we hardly see out there. For example. The woman right's movement. I'm not saying its a wrong thing. What they are doing is actually fighting for our female rights. Which is totally and absolutely right, because we are after all weaker in certain aspects. I'm definitely for anything agianst harming us female. For example, wife battery, abuse, rape or even harrassment.

But...I think that is where it should actually stop. Why bring gender issues into the boardroom? Why do we have to give special treatment to women...just because we are women?

I remember an article I read a long time ago, saying that the women are given more technical roles such as going out to meet clients and not more towards the mechanical roles. Reason is, because we women will probably get pregnant, have families, are always tired and basically in simple terms. WEAKLINGS.

Fine...in certain aspects and strengths, we definitely can't beat the men. But honestly, if I wanted to climb the corporate ladder and reach the top, I want to do it because I'm GOOD at what I do. Not because you give me special leeway because of my gender.

When I'm in a career that uses more of my mental than my physical, I believe we are at par with the males. So there should not be any special treatment. I know some of you will be thinking. "IS SHE MAD? She should be standing up for the women and that they need to be protected!"

You see, I always believe there's always the cause and effect strategy. Like in Sweden, they piroritize and emphasize so much about women's right, it's basically getting really unfair for the male population there. For example, if a male and female both of equal qualification and they are applying for a job, the job will definitely go to the female. Just because of what? She's a woman.

That's the cause...giving woman too much protection. The effect? Simple, woman become more powerful, divorce rates goes up and more single ladies are too career driven and strong to bother about being more laid back and actually taking time to be a women. Get what I mean?

Than there's this other issues. Men who looks down or gets intimidated by successful and beautiful woman. Why is it that men, especially asians always think that their wifes should be someone who wears an apron, be a baby making factory and basically someone lower than them.

It's true you know...how men usually wants to be seen as the higher authority.

I guess, you can blame it all on ego and inferiority complex. With my observation, I've realized that the futher women climb up the corporate ladder, she becomes more stronger and she will automatically think. "I don't need a man to survive. I can do this all on my own. I've bleed so much to come this far and I deserve this. No men is ever going to bully me or step on me anymore."

Who can blame them? Men always think we women can never be better than them. But why is it that we have to compare agianst one another? Why do we have to put gender into the work place?

Isn't it only fair if we just don't tag each other as women or men when working? We see each other as equals and we respect each other for our capabilities. Isn't that what its all suppose to be about? Look at us woman for our talents, our strenghts and our abilities. Not look at us because we are in skirts....

It's extremely weird...I wouldn't say I've a PHD when it comes to understanding guys, coz I can really say that they are one hell of a confusing creature made to test our patients and our intellectuality.

I don't know about you girls out there, but all these years, I've met guys who are so obnoxious you would just want to stuff your stilletoes right up his a** everytime you see him. Then there's your usual geek and nerds who are harmless. Leave me alone...and I'll leave you alone kind.

Of course then you'll meet those who are so full of themselves you wonder what's up in that big head of his? Air? Definitely. Pass me a needle...let me pop it coz that head of yours ain't going to pass through the door! Ughh.....guys I tell you.

Seriously, why do guys think that us girls are amused or would go all ga-ga over material things or your achievements in life? Geezeee....imagine going on a date with a guy who goes. "Yeah...I own this...yeah...I added this to my car...oh yeah...I've done this...Yes yes...I'm going to make my 1st million before I hit 25." BORING!!!!!!! Find something new to impress us alright? Maybe...something with sincerity and the bottom of your heart?

How about those guys who are so thick and dense? The word 'NO' just doesn't seem to penetrate into that thick skull of theirs. Yes, you try being nice....politely rejecting them. BUT THEY KEEP COMING BACK!!! Can't they get the hint? Lesson no.1 dude, never ever bug a girl everyday. She gets irritated and will just loose all respect to you.

OhHHh...and of course, how can we forget the smooth casanovas who think they're every girl's prince charming? These guys are actually quite smart. They are the ones with looks, personality and most of all some dough in their pockets. Of course, they've been around the block so they know how to squirm their way into our hearts and later on move to break them.

Becareful girls!!! These are the guys who are excatly like a wolf in a sheep's clothing. They will try to be humble....but if you listen carefully, you'll hear the little egoistic bragging behind every single sentence. They will shower you with all the attention, making you feel so important. Think about it...if they do that to you...what makes you think they're not doing it to other girls too? OoOooHHH....and....they're very very sneaky. In short, just do not trust them alright....in the end, it is you who gets hurt!

Last one...a guy who either acts above his age or below his age. I mean...wayyyyyyyyyy below. Yes. Childishness. Ugh...I'm sorry...I'm not saying that I'm extremely mature or serious. I do have my crazy days. But please...If you're 25, its time to actually grow up and not blardy think that burping out loud in public and giving air farts are amusing. I find guys who have a goal in life, to strive and to have ambition is something to be respected. Not someone who thinks, life is short. Let's just have fun.

BULLSHIT. Life isn't short. It is...short but not all that short either. You can have fun...but what if you're the lucky ones who lives up til 80? Then what? Continue to think that you'll die tomorrow and just live each day as if its your last? Where on earth will you go in life then? Just a stagnant dot.

Then let's talk about those who are acts overly mature (or tries to be). If you're 25, you're 25. Don't go acting like you're 40 alright. First off all, it makes you look really stupid and....trust me...no matter what, if you want to act mature, sooner or later, that 25 in you will eventually shine out and it'll make you look like a fool eventually. Just think about it this way. You can't be 40 when you don't go through life. Listening, looking and understanding isn't enough. You have to LIVE it and EXPRIENCE it to actually know what on earth life is all about. Trust me, 40 year olds compared to 25 year olds...they handle things differently.

So you know what? Don't give me the shit about "Been there, Done that" You have not actually been there or done that if you don 't learn in the end and keep on making the same mistakes. It's just plain stupid.

Ugh..men...seriously, they should come with some kind of warning or at least a handbook so we can understand them more. Maybe we should just dissect their brains and study them. Why on earth some are overly stupid and some are just overly intelligent? Is there no moderation in men? Either you find an IDIOT or a super dumb a** who's out to break you. Where are all the good guys huh? Oh shoot....I forgot. They belong to a whole different era where men actually respect women....hahaha

Hey...don't get me wrong. I'm not bitter neither am I angry at the whole men society. I'm not. I still love them. *wink* Its just I recently found out that there's alot of girls out there who's getting all confused and hurt by the certain special someone. If nobody is there to help them...I sure do hope I can at least make them realize a thing or two bout guys. I might be wrong though........who knows.....someone will prove me so wrong that I'll be swallowing all these so hard I'll just choke and die.

*Stretch* Yes...guess I've been lazing around the entire day. I can't believe I've had such an unproductive day today. Ah well...its a Sunday. I guess I should be doing nothing right?

Was supposed to head down to a rave last night but last minute, everyone decided not to go and headed for the movies instead. Triple X 2...not bad...loads of huge ass and nice cars that you can only dream of driving.

Came home, popped in my usual anime and fell asleep. Woke up at 7 am. Can you believe it? I woke up feeling like shit. As if my chest had something heavy on it. Told myself that whatever is on my mind to go away and that there's nothing more important than Sleep itself. So I closed my eyes, thought of Jin's silly little stint in Anego where he was playing golf and fell asleep. *PooF* I woke up at about 10:45 am.

Didn't do much. Wanted to start off on my assignments but all I could do was stare at my screen like an idiot. I couldn't even think!!! Phone calls and sms-es kept on coming in till I switched off my phone. Call me anti-social. But lately, I've no mood to interact with anyone at all.

Even yesterday at the movies, the only idiot can irritate me, Ronald, even know how to step back and stop bugging me. Well...he did at the begining, irritating the hell out of me with his stupid teasings and antics. It wasn't until I just kept quiet and glared at him he shut up and realized that I was not kidding. Moody you know...maybe its the weather...I don't know...

After so long....I finally shed some tears. No no no...don't get me wrong...I did not...I repeat...I DID NOT....cry for any guys. I was watching this music video. Can't remember the singer's name. But it was so freaking sweet. It was a 5 min MV. Mandarin song. Thank God I understood the song a little with my lousy mandarin.

Kinda reminds you of the Korean hit "Because I'm a girl". But this is different. This is about this pianist or should I say composer who's a little quiet and reserved while his girlfriend is this bubbly, full of life and happy girl. It showed how he never smiled and the things she would do to get a reaction out of him. I loved the girl in a way because she's someone who showed every emotion of hers. Like when she wanted to cry, she cried. She wanted to shout, she shout. She wanted to whack her bf, she just whacked.

It wasn't one day, she couldn't stand it no more, she looked at her solemn bf who was watching TV and told him to kiss her. He did and when they broke apart, his mouth was smeared with her blood. Yeah...she had nose bleed. Not because he was a good kisser. But because she had leukemia.

Even so...she made him finish the song he was composing and made him promise that he'll play it for her at the concert.

Before he left, he gave her a handphone which she held onto tightly. Just before he started his performance, he called her and placed the handphone on the grand piano so that she could listen to him sing and play. As he finished playing the last note, she dropped the phone...meaning...she died.

I couldn't believe it that tears actually started to appear in my eyes! Can you imagine how long has it been since I've cried? Then suddenly, I changed the channel and it showed of some graduation thingy and I started to get emotional agian. Why? Coz I was thinking of my own graduation. How much I'll miss everyone, everything at the college that we complaint about endlessly. It's like...leaving behind a chapter of your life to start a new one. Bad or good...there'll be no ending. I'm scared...excited...and...anxious. But I really wished...i didn't have to leave. 4 more weeks Amy...4 more weeks of being a carefree student and to hang out with your friends. 4 weeks....

OoOoO...and you can't imagine how happy I was when I realized Astro was showing Kagen No Tsuki or better known as Last Quarter!!!! Narimiya Hiroki was Hot okie...man...I don't mind having a boyfriend like him. Devoted and so in love with you. *Swoon* But the whole concept of the story really touched me to the core. It proves that love is one extremely strong force that death itself can't part. Hyde did a wonderful job as Adam. It was just so him you know...ciggies...guitar....that sexy singing voice. I love L'arc~en~ciel but I love Hyde even more. Go watch it...it's one great movie...almost 2 hours...but I wouldn't mind watching it over and over agian.

At least my entire day was brightened up by that movie with a happy ending. Can you believe the anime I was watching was also sad?!? Ugh....yeah...the heroine died, living the hero to carry on without her. HOW COULD THAT BE!!! IT'S ANIME FOR GODSAKE!

Yeah...and I finally finished downloading Anego and now waiting for the second episode to finish downloading but imagine how slow it is. Bleah...connection i tell you! But it was well worth the wait. Anything for Jin right?

Love him in a suit...love his new hairstyle...just love everything bout him!!! Arghh...why can't anyone as perfect as him ever exist in my life? I would so love him. A guy who is so adorably cute without even trying hard. Even though he's acting serious, you still can capture that small little silliness of his. Concentrate on him when he's playing golf. It's hilarious....

Anyway, its amazing how time flies so quickly. One second its April and the next its already May. Ah well...time waits for no one right? No point being stagnant and walking backwards...The only road I see is only in front of me. How far it'll go...where it'll lead....I don't know...but I'll find out... Till then...Happy labour day!!!!