At excatly 22 years ago, a baby girl was born just in time for dinner. Not knowing what life ahead would bring and what pain or happiness will be experienced.

Yup...that baby girl is me. Apparently, I was born on a Tuesday too! What a coincidence huh? In some ways, my birthday is not a day to be celebrated for me. But for my mother who had to go through so much pain to bring me into this world and then caring for me and grooming me into who I am today.

I guess in the end, it is my mother whom I want to thank. I'm not sure I've been the best daughter in the world. I know for a fact I do dissapoint and make my mom sad at times, but I promise the tears and worries will be less from now on.

Hitting 22...nah...not an extra wrinkle...yet! ehehhe....I don't feel any difference at all. But I do know that I can honestly say that I've been through life at least quarter of it, experience a few stuff and can look at things in a broader and brighter perspective.

I remembered when I was what....19-20? Yeah...my mom said those were one of the most difficult age to handle. I guess I was young, naive and like a sponge, ready to absorb everything and was easily influenced.

At that age, most of us are trying to find who we are actually. We are then evolved into this being that if you notice, is part of your friends and the influences from your surroundings. In the end, who are you actually? What is it that you really want? What is it that makes you happy?

For example, girls tend to follow their friends in their actions, the way they dress, talk and even act. For guys...boy oh boy...I went through hell with one of them at that age. I remembered having to go through his playfull mode with his peers where all he thought was gaming and gaming and what....MORE GAMING....and look where it got him right now....he regrets it like hell...and he knows I know it....hehehe....

We hit 21...and suddenly, like a dream, we wake up and we sorta get smarter. We realized that all these things we've been doing is plain childish. Sure...life is short...we should have as much fun as possible. But honestly...life is NOT that short and there are goals and responsibilities that we have to take upon us. Life is not all about playing, having fun and doing what we want. Sometimes, our actions will always cause hurt to another. But that's something we will never know.

I used to take my studies easily. Thinking...fine...if I fail...I'll just have to repeat my semester. But then if you think back, your parents are working their butts off to put you through a year of college. And going to a private one ain't cheap. Then there are other expenses like books, fees and stuff like that. Do we owe them to just waste away, have fun and play our way through? Or do we owe them at least a diploma or degree...something that they can be proud of?

I'm thankful that I've met really great and honest friends at college. Someone who will teach and lead me to the right path. Sure we have our fun. But we know our limits. We know when to stop and get serious.

Friends....well...there's the good and bad. Sometimes, we always get blinded by the bad ones and ignore the good ones. Great advices tend to fall on deaf ears because we never want to hear negative things. In the end, we get influenced by the bad advices and where to we go from there? A dead end.

I always think...sure we take advices from friends. But in the end, who are we to depend on? Ourselves. we have to think and weigh what is right and wrong. Nobody will know what makes you happy except yourself right?

But I've made an observation. Guys...well...they get influenced by friends a little more easier than girls. Why? Simple...peer pressure. Ego....whatever you wanna call it. Girls...more emotional...they follow their heart...ending up sometimes getting more hurt than they should be. BleAhHhH....

Sometimes I wished there was a balance of everything in life. Guys who don't go to the extreme and have a moderation and girls who don't get too emotional and a little stronger. But I guess God has a plan for all of us. A lesson to be learnt....

I can't say I've seen it all or experienced it all. I'm still learning. But honestly, the things I've done when i'm 19-20...is something I'm not very proud off. I hurt alot of people with my stubborness, naivity and childishness. I even let go of a guy who would've meant alot to me. Something...I will continue to regret for the rest of my life.

The reason to that? I was blinded and when my friends told me I deserved better...I really believed I did. When they said that I could do better and have a more cuter guy...I listened to them. But in the end...is looks all that matter? I've learnt that the hard way. Looks as I've said many times before....is like a beautiful sculpture. You can stare at it for hours a day but eventually get bored because inside this sculpture is empty clay.

I guess...in the end, we are all trying to find that one person who would understand at least a part of ourselves and just love us for who we are. A screwed up? An asshole? Hell yeah...they accept it all. But...nah....it has came to the point where I looked back and realized....why do you need that special someone at this moment when you have so many special everyone around you?

Yes...I mean...quality friends. Friends who let you have a shoulder to cry on, dash to be by your side when you're sick and someone who will never forget your birthday. Friends who will only support you and never tell you otherwise. Friends who will give you a little push from the back in whatever decisions you make, bad or good. Friends who will say to you that....as long as you're happy....I'll be happy.....Now....that is what my 22 years of life is all about. Friends and family.

I'll be stepping out into the working world soon....wonder if there'll be more pain and shock waiting for me. What will I learn? Who will I meet? What will I become? I guess...we'll wait and see....

Spacing Out

I'm at it agian. Having insomnia. Sleeping at really late hours and getting up before the birds begin to sing. I'm starting to resemble a panda bear. I'm not truly under loads of stress, neither am I unhappy or upset. I'm just....normal...but still....I can't sleep peacefully.

Even if I did sleep, I wake up numerous times for no reason. Arghh...this is getting frustrating. I really wished I could be like last time, being able to sleep for 8 hours straight. Boy ooh Boy...I miss those days where I can sleep up till 1 in the afternoon.

Classes are alright....I'm glad that I've extremely smart and passionate lecturer's this semester. I expected the work load to be a killer but surprisingly, it's not as bad as last sem where I've to go without sleep for 2 days at a go. I guess...things are going great at Uni now...Less stress and more happier days.

Thinking about graduating and leaving is an extremely upsetting thing. Part of me don't want to leave...yet the other part can't wait to get my degree and join the working world. Maybe that's why I'm loosing sleep. I don't really want the days to pass by so quickly. It seems that this month and the month before were flying before my eyes and before I can even get use to the day itself, its over.

Nothing interesting in my life at the moment. I realized how my friends and I have grown during the past years. My best friends are all in the earning income group ready to pay their income taxes. One is a high-flying stewerdess and the other is going to be a part owner of a boutique. Me....I'm just Amy...plain...boring...ole...Amy.

I wonder what I'll end up doing after I graduate. I'm scared...what if I don't get a job? UgHhHh....the worst part is making a decision of which path I want to take. Should I go back into Advertising, or pursue a career in magazine publishing as a journalist, or do event management under PR or hotel management? This is the downside of Mass Comm...you've too many to choose from. Unlike studying medicine or law. You just know where you're heading to straight on.

Gosh...I wished I had an exciting life. A life filled with meeting interesting people. Oh wait...I DO meet interesting people. But I end up getting either stalked, weirded out or just scared. Yeah...as I said before...I only tend to meet Psychos and dodgy people.

Lately, I've been thinking alot of my past and one particular person kept on popping in my head. Maybe because I found this extremely sweet letter he wrote to me. That was about 3 years ago and I do wonder where he is right now and what is he doing. He was one person I can really say that is beautiful inside and out with a great personality to go with.

He's someone you know that if you end up being with, he'll love you more than life itself and never hurt you. Only thing was....the timing I met him was all wrong. I was still blinded by that idiotic fool who cheated on me. If only I stuck to my decision at that time to leave that idiotic fool. I guess we would be happy right now.

But then agian, things happens for a reason right? Maybe we were never fated to be together. But if i did meet him agian, I would really want to apologize to him. For hurting him.

OhHh...and...what a weird surprise. During my one week vacation, I was out with a friend of mine, just lazing around when I met........*drum roll*....DENNING!!! OMG!!!! I can still remember how weirded out I was!

It's such a waste because he's one hell of a good looking chap. He has looks, height and body. But unfortunately, he was so empty and wierd!!! I remembered him crushing on me so badly that he'll drive all the way from Subang to wherever I was just to pick me up, drop me to wherever I want to go, wait for me in the car and then head back home. He also weirded out Oscar and Liy.

Thinking back to those times...man was it hilarious! That day in particular, I had a photo shoot and needed to pick up some of my portfolio pictures. He insisted on following and when he saw those pictures, he couldn't stop staring at them. Well...fine...if you like looking at them,but please do not make such a big fuss over it. OVER ACTING I tell you!.

Then we headed down town to join Oscar and Liy. He took a liking to Oscar because they both have a common interest. Body building. And when I was away with Liy, he even told Oscar that he'll wait for me no matter how long it takes. THIS is coming from a guy I hardly know okie!!!!

He then started messaging Oscar and calling him which was totally psychotic! In the end, I've to make him stop calling me and Oscar by telling him that I was going out with someone else.

*WEIRDO*

Sigh....it's such a waste...but i guess you can't have everything. God is fair in that point.

Okay...enough of mindless ramblings...I'm going to head back to sleep...try to catch the sleep fairy before it leaves. Toodles!

You can't force LOVE.

L.O.V.E. A word so strong and powerful, yet frightening and sweet. It's scary how this four letter word is divided thinly by a fine thread between Hate. One minute you're loving your guy overwhelmingly and the next minute you hate the very sight of him.

I've seen all this happen in my very own eyes. Girlfriends complaining to me about their boyfriends, married couples screaming at each other and end up divorcing....can you blame me for being a skeptic now? Of course add up the horrible experiences and men I've to meet throughout my entire life just fills up the wound with more salt I can handle.

No no no...don't get me wrong. I'm not all bitter and crazy, turning into a spinster and all. I believe in LOVE...I do...really....cross my heart! And no...if you think I've given up on men...I did not alright...so no worries there. In fact...I've found someone who has brought back the light in my life...*smile*...that's an entry for another day.

Back to the topic before I start flying off everywhere...

You know how sad it is when you love or like someone and that person just doesn't share the same feeling? It sucks right? But some girls....they just don't get it. When a guy says "I'm sorry...I see you as a friend...." or vice versa....it seems that all they get in their small little brains is "I'm sorry...I see you as a friend...But...I'm giving you a chance."

I just don't get it. Why is it so hard to take "NO" for an answer? And why oh why do we have psychotic people on earth? People who starts stalking the one they're so called in love with? Or even threaten suicide if he/she doesn't return their love?

If you really love that one person, don't you want him/her to be happy? If it was me...I would truly want to see him happy, even though if it means being happy with another girl. Just seeing that smile, that glow in his eyes is enough and satisfying. But forcing one person to be with you just because of your own selfishness, isn't that surpressing his hapiness?

Sometimes, its best to just wake up and smell the coffee you know. Face it! The guy isn't in love with you!!! Move on with life and understand that God has bigger plans for you. There's so many great guys out there. Why mope around for that one particular one?

I guess you can say I won't know how it feels unless I'm in that person's shoe right? You're right. I don't. It might be harder to do than it looks...but it really doesn't hurt to try.

In fact, you owe yourself that much to be happier. Living a life in gloom and misery its not worth it. Life is so short and fragile. Why be sad when you can be happy? Why waste your time on one idiot when you can be happily basking in the joy of attention and care of someone who truly loves you for who you are?

So my dear friend, you know who you are. You've heard my take on the situation. You've seen how strongly I felt for you to move on with your life...so why not try it? Your beautiful eyes is not for shedding tears for one guy who doesn't appreciate you. You deserve someone who will hug you when you're down and shower you with unlimited kisses. Someone who will look you in the eye one day and say "I love you" from the bottom of his very heart. At that time, you will know that you've found the one and soon...this guy will be a distant memory...a shadow of the past.

You can try to make him love you, you can buy him all the gifts, shower him all the attention and even go to the extreme of giving him everything he wants. But think...is it all worth it? Isn't it like buying LOVE? You definitely can't buy love honey...love is priceless.

It's not worth it. Sitting by the phone, waiting for his phone call, making up excuses of why isn't he sms-ing or calling. If he really had you in his heart, he'll be msging you endlessly or calling you just to hear your voice.

When you stop making excuses for him like "He's really busy" or "He's with his friends" or even "Maybe his phone has no battery", things will become clearer to you. One thing for sure is that a guy can never be too busy to call. Unless he's stuck in Timbuktoo where there is no service what-so-ever. But hey! If he was in Timbuktoo and if he did love you, he'll send you snail mail! Okay okay...I'm diversing.

But my point is...if he did have you in his heart....calling, messaging and even seeing you wouldn't be a problem at all.

Anyway...I'm rambling now...sleep is calling me. But take it this way....give yourself one good cry, say goodbye and move on with your life. Go out, look beautiful and let the guys shower you with attention. Ego boosting you know! *wink*

*Random babbling*

I was reading Kamenashi's translation of Kizuna the other day and found it amazing that a guy his age is able to write and compose such a wonderful, meaningful song. He's only 19 for crying out loud. But the lyrics...I can relate to it...I really can...

Check out the translation....its really really sweet....

Even if I think about the future as much as I can,
It's impossible for a person to see the real future
Some things get stuck in the gap of my heart
I just keep on making errors

It's okay if it's one step at a time, just don't let go of my hand
The steps that we took together, you are going to keep on living
Even if I keep on withdrawing until I crumble,

The bond of that time, that place, will never disappear

Inside the flowing time, I try not to lose anything
The real thoughts that collide when we pass by
That feelings that soaked in her heart
Our encounter was the miracle that I seeked

The pain that refuses to stand still
The light that's seen inside is always connected

It's okay if you lie, You can let your tears flow
The bond of that time, that place, will never disappear

It's okay if it's one step at a time, just don't let go of my hand
The steps that we took together, you are going to keep on living
Even if I keep on withdrawing until I crumble,
The bond of that time, that place, will never disappear

Amy's Down!!!

Wait...don't get the title wrong. I'm not down "down"...I'm sick!!! Man...flu...cough...sorethroat...the whole shit. I hate it when this happens!!! My throat feels raspy and dry, my nose is block and I'm coughing like a mad woman!!!

Yeah yeah...whine whine whine...but hey...I'm allowed too! I'M SICK!!! I just want it to go away. This sucks bad because whenever I fall sick like this, my breathing difficulties comes back. I find it difficult to sleep at night, waking up in the middle trying to gasp for air.

Now, when I cough...my throat hurts. So...here I am...trying not to cough...but man...hacking it is not that easy!!!

But thank goodness...I think I should be okie by the time my one week hollz comes by. Can't wait!!! I've so much catching up to do. Yes...I've to catch up on my sleep...on my girlfriends...and man....there's shopping to do as well!!!!

Dang...gonna be so broke this month. Let's just hope that for my birthday my aunties won't give me gifts that I hardly use and just cash in some money into my account. It'll be so appreciated so much more! heheheeh....*evil laughter*

Oh yeah...and the other day, I finally saw human at its worst in front of my very own eyes. Geeze...I've always known that there are many kinds of people out there. Weird personalities and stuff. But never in my life have I seen pure evil spawning out from a 9 year old. I betcha he's going to grow up to be a terrorists or something.

One thing for sure though...he's a real sadist for a kid so young. There was 3 kittens near my house and here I was....walking my lovable Cookie and I saw this kid....throwing stones at something...I walked closer and saw him pick up one kitten by its neck and started swinging it...YES...swinging it and he threw it down....I screamed at him and he scampered away....I couldn't do anything because Cookie will definitely go beserk if i went near the kittens and of course...from how the kitten was laying...it was obviously dead.

MURDERER!!!

Anyway...I walked another round and the kid was back! This time...he was bullying the remaining two kittens. I ran towards him and shouted. "HEY BOY! IF YOU TOUCH THAT KITTEN I SWEAR TO GOD YOU'LL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGIAN!"

He looked at me...and yes...he lifted his middle finger at me. OBVIOUSLY I was shocked!!! I mean...he's a kid for crying out loud!!!!!!! UghHhH...stupid brat...I wished that he'll fall flat on his face or something.

Another incident...The other day I came home from Class and was kind off surprise to see a man sitting in my living room. I found out later it was my Aunt's client and he was waiting for her to get some documents and change.

I thought it was my mom's friend at first. So I sat on the sofa and smiled at him. Being polite and all, I talked to him for awhile. Guess what?!?!

That dirty old man placed his hands on my knee and....YES...he stroked it! F***ER!!! I was shocked! I stood up quickly and ran up the stairs. UGH....BASTARD....really........ewww.....*shudder*

I can't even let a guy I've no feelings for touch me...and now...this old ugly fart touched my knee. I feel violated! Fine...so what if i'm making a big deal out of this. Damn it! I can sue him for sexual harrasment!!! If i see his ugly face agian...I swear I'll chop his fingers off and not only that...I'll make him suffer.....I won't even type what I will do to him here....grrrrrr....

Anyway...I think I shall go shower now....cool down myself. Till then...Toodles!!!