Shattered Trust, Broken Heart...

First of all, I would like to thank all my wonderful friends, Oscar, Liy, Debbie, Bonita, Corinne and Dira who were by my side to give me some encouraging words and support.

I guess in certain ways, my relationship with Wai Soon was doomed from the begining. Some of you asked me, 'Do you honestly love him Amy?' I can't answer you. Most of the time, I answered. 'I do love him...but...I'm not sure anymore."

Why I stuck out with him? I guess I was in that comfort zone...we were together for 5 years...we grew up together, went thru hell and back and hell agian together.

I've been wondering for the past few months, was he really 'the one' for me. Everyone around me...has been advising me...that he wasn't my type. Wasn't compatible with me. Why didn't I see it? Was I that blind?

No...i did see it. But i was afraid to let it go. I know that sooner or later i've to leave him. Because I was feeling suffocated by him. Yes...i did a mistake ONCE...a long time ago...but i made up for it...and he should've stopped controlling my life after that.

He shouldn't diss my friends, stop me from going out with them or even stop me from having guy friends. I shouldn't have allowed him to controll my life. But i did. That's why it's time for me to let go. I need my freedom and my space to breathe.

People said that he would be the one who destroy my life. To push me down. To never let me fly and be free. I'm glad I've made the choice to leave him now. Even though it hurts...and it had to end up this way.

Being lied to and betrayed....it's never easy...but he's a hypocrite for doing what he did. He went harping about the importance of trust. How i shouldn't mix with guys. How no guys should be calling me and how i shouldn't go out with any guys.

Am I angry? I was at first....very angry...for being betrayed. But now...I'm just thankful. Thankful i found out earlier and thankful that I didn't make a wrong choice to go into marriage and then later end up in divorce.

I guess I knew from the begining. My body started to reject him but my mind was telling me..."Hey...you still need him..." I remember how I would pull away from his touch...i didn't like him kissing me....neither could i stand him most of the time. I got irritated by him easily and I just didn't miss him anymore. My heart was dead long before i found out he betrayed me.

Was it my fault? I don't know...but hell...when a guy cheat on you....it makes one wonder. Am I not good enough? Am i that ugly? Am i not thin enough?

Yes....that's what i'm feeling now. Maybe I wasn't pretty or thin enough...or maybe i wasn't a good girlfriend?

But my mother...she's happy. She said that i deserved better. But hey...isn't that what people always say to cheer you up?

Somehow...I looked into my future and i really don't see him there. I can't...because if he was....i really felt i can't breathe.

I don't know....I'm sad because I thought i can trust him...I'm sad because of all the promise that he made was just empty words...I'm sad because he lied to me...and I'm sad because I sacrificed my friends...my life...my happiness just for him. In return I get this crap? Do I deserve all this? Am I torturing myself?

Yes...I was torturing myself. I was never that happy...but i kept on telling myself...I was...

The tears i shed...was minimal compared to the past. The pain i feel is not as much as i did as before....But....yes...it still hurts....the anguish and pain...but i don't hate him. We did have great times. We grew up together....but what's a relationship really? Is it because of the memories?

I need my wings back....I need my freedom...and I need to get my life back on track. I need to chase my dreams....dreams that would be impossible if I was still with him.

Like a bird...my wings had been cliped for 5 years...I'm afriad to fly alone...afriad to see what's beyond the cage I've been kept in. But i'll try...I'll try to learn how to fly without him....

A brand new life...a brand new soul...a brand new personality....

To all my wonderful friends out there....don't worry about me...I might be miserable for a short period...and I might need you for my support and strength...and maybe a shoulder to cry on once in awhile...but when i'm done crying...when i'm done being sad...

Be there for me when I smile agian...when the old and happy Amy comes back.....