It's amazing how some things becomes clear to you suddenly and how life takes a drastic and sharp turn to make you wake up and see things differently.

Comparing who I was in the past and who I am right now, I guess there is a vast difference in the way I do things and think. Maybe its a part of growing up but when I look back, let's say I'm not very proud of what I've done in the past. But let's just leave the past in the past as the only way to move is forward.

We've always been protected by our parents. Sure they try to get us prepared for the harsh reality of life but facing it first hand is a different experience all together. All the preparation in the world will never be enough when we are left cold and tattered in the reality of life.Oh well...they did try to warn us....

I guess, I'm at the stage where I start to see things differently. Remember when we were in high school? The purpose of having a boyfriend is because everyone else had one. Not to forget that he has to have at least good looks or some kind of a jock to begin with. Man....superficiality.

Yeah...I'll admit I was superficial. *shudder*...but you grow with experience and you learn from it too. So here I am today, having gone through the turbulance of relationships, friendships and life. What have I learned? Well...quite a number of things.

The most important thing of all is....love. Yes...learning to love. I'm not just talking about giving love to a guy. More to the point of loving the people around you. Friends and family. Honestly, they are the people who should deserve all your love and attention. In the end, its who had stuck around when you're down and battered that really matters.

Friends you don't need many only a bunch of quality ones. You'll know who are your true friends sooner or later. I'm glad I found my true great friends that have stuck by me and supported me through everything. They were the ones who believed in me when I lost hope, gave me strength when I fell and never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I'm thankful to have met people like these.

Some ask me why I don't hate some people I'm supposed to hate or why am I not angry at all? Hey...I'm only human...I do get annoyed and angry but hate...that's a different issue all together. Hating someone is tiring. Getting angry is exhausting too. Why should I waste all my energy and time to be angry at someone who's not worth anything at all? If I forgive and treat them with respect...they'll probably not appreciate it but it'll make me feel better and that is all that matters. Me, myself and I.

Forgiving someone is just adding another room in your heart and I'm sure my heart has plenty more spaces left for forgiveness rather than hate.

Life is too short to be consumed by hate and anger.

Its 1 a.m now and I'm at home, sitting in front of my computer feeling a little lost. More or less...numb.

Many things have happened during the past few days. Things that are hard to comprehend or swallow or even let it register in my head at the moment.

That's life I guess. One minute you're having the time of your life and a phone call later, you just feel...shocked...numb...

We've lost a friend this week. I'm still in shock...so is Liy and probably everyone who knows him. But I hate to think what Oscar must be going through right now. Lennart will always be remembered and loved by all of us.

Somehow or another, I don't feel as if he's gone...I just can't accept it yet. But one thing for sure is, I've learned that life really does hang by a thread. Makes you realize how fragile our lives and the ones dear to us are.

I know that everyone needs to leave one day and I shudder to think about the ones I will eventually have to say goodbye too.

It makes one wonder that what we work so hard for, what we slaught for...is it all worth suffering in the end? I guess...sometimes there are no answers for questions like these. In the end its not what we achieve, but how happy we lived our lives.

This is going to be a short post...I need to collect my thoughts and just...ah well....I'll be back shortly...

Okay first....I just want to say that I'm currently...ABSOLUTELY...in LOVE with....Kanjani 8's new song...Oh Enka...wonder if anyone has the same habit as me. If there's a song I liked, I'll listen to it over and over and over agian. If you check the playlist on my Ipod...it's like...60 times in just 3 days. HAhahAH...yup...Amy's one crazy gurl...

Anyway, pulling myself back to reality. It's finally Over....yeah...OVER...

What is Over? The only thing I've been ranting about for the past 2 months. I really can't believe how fast time flew. One minute I was telling my friend that we have about 7 more weeks to go before graduation and now...I'm sitting here...and everything is finished. Classes, Exams, Assignments....everthing done.

It feels weird. Especially when my group of 4 years...yes...4 years...did our final presentation. Oscar, Liy and I have always been a group and for all these years, we worked together in all our assignments. We knew how each other worked, what each other's strength and weaknesses and also how we think.

When I stood in front of the class for that final presentation, I suddenly felt overwhelmed. I knew then I was going to miss them. We would never present together unless we worked with each other in the same company.

I don't really know how to describe the feeling...but I know that I'll always miss the time where we leave our work to the very last minute. When I say last minute....trust me...its last minute. As in...our presentation is due in one hour and that's when we all do our work. But funny thing is...we always manage to score really high as a group.

Another thing was...when we sat for our final exam. I knew when I was writing on my sheet that it will be my last time ever doing this. Unless...*touch wood*...I fail and have to repeat.

Imagine, almost all our lives we've been studying. Suddenly...its over...and its a brand new thing for all of us. *Shiver*

I used to flip through the classifieds for fun...or use them as placemats when I do my art. But now...everyday I'm looking through it to see if there's anything interesting.

But our night out at Zouk will always be a night I'll remember. Us being classmates for almost 3 years just partied the night through. Liy, Hema, Mace and I were really just shaking our bootie's on the podium. It was fun!! Most of them were high and drunk....but Angel Amy here...didn't drink at all.

I told you I've willpower!!! ahhaah....I don't know why I don't feel like drinking these days. Maybe because of the last night out and me almost poisoning myself with alcohol. Bleah....Anyway, who says you need alcohol to have fun! I had fun all night!!! ehehe...

I met many people that night...people I didn't expect to see on a Thursday night...but hey...it was okay....Why I don't like Ghetto Heaven Night is because of all the dodgiest guys there. UghHhHhH.....SERIOUSLY...its like dodgy guys gathering or something.

Should've gone to Velvet with Oscar!!!! *bangs my head* At least there were more decent crowd there...but anyway...anything for friendship right? ehheeh....If I went to Velvet...I could've had champagne!!! Oh...and I bumped into Joey too....ahhaha....see...told you that if you go to Zouk...you're bound to bump into peeps you know....

Anyway, I'm sleepy....gonna go crash and dream of my darling Jin...dang....he cried....seeing him cry...just makes me want to reach out to him and hug him. And in Minna No Terebi...blardy hell...that woman better hands off my Kame and Jin...how can she mistaken Kame for Jin anyway?!?! I was actually laughing my head off when she made him call her Anego!!! Silly boy....

*oUCh*

I'm supposed to be studying for my finals this coming Wednesday. But instead of having my head buried in my books, I was partying as if there was no tomorrow. Bad Amy...BadDdDd!!!

I feel so guilty. Partying for a day is alright...but for 2 days straight....*phew*....that's suicidal. But all in all, I had tons of fun with all my old friends and my new found friends.

Friday was really awsome!!! We went to Ivy's at Asian Heritage Row (yup...we are all yuppies who only hang out there now). Met Rusty agian...was so embarassing how last time I was incredibly drunk at Blonde and he had to take care of me when I went "Rusty!!! I want water!!!" ahhaah....

Thank Goodness I remembered. He came up to me and hugged me and for a second I blanked out, thinking...who on earth was this guy?!?! It was amazing how he remembered my name and how wasted I was about 3 weeks ago. UgHhH...EMBARASSING!!!

But it was all good, we were laughing and talking about it. I never knew he was my age and so blardy successful!!! He's like some director of a company which requires him to travel all over the world. Dang!!!! Makes me feel...so.......small.....

The whole gang was there and we were all just dancing and having fun. It wasn't until my dear friend Dira saw her ex with his new gf did she break down and cry. The worst of it all, they just broke up and he replaced her so quickly. Ah well...guys are jerks anyway...So there I was, consolling her. Abang Ashraf was kind enough to be there with her as well. Rusty too....

Never in all our years of friendship did I see my best friend break down like that. But its good...that she cried and let it out. It'll definitely make her feel better.

So while she was taking a breather outside Ivy, talking to Marina and Shahrin, I was on the phone and suddenly this 2 Chinese guy came up to me and we just started talking about the weird ballons above me and how it was going to pop. Yeah....the conversation made no sense...well...one of them is kinda cute...he's name is Boy...the other...I forgot his name.

When I went inside, my phone rang agian. This time an unknown number. So wondering who it was, I picked up and guess whut? It was BOY! I went out and he was smiling at me and I asked him how he got my number. Apparently, he asked Marina!!! Blardy hell...

Ah well....the thing with me is....I never give out my numbers to people I meet at clubs or pubs or wherever. He said he will call me out next week. What was I supposed to say? So I just went...urm...alright....got to go now....toodles!

Once inside, I was sitting next to Rusty who was trying to make me drink beer. I told him...NO WAY...I am not drinking beer!!! Its plain gross! ahhaha....he said, fine...let me buy you a shot. How's D 52 sounds? I was like....NOOOO...that's too freaking strong for me!!! But he went ahead and buy it anyway. After 2 shots, I was really really up there flying in the skies.

Next to me was this guy...he looks cool...with all his piercings. He's from Sarawak. Sorry...I can't remember his name. He talked funny too. Imagine with the loud music, the alcohol taking an effect on me and his weird accent...how on earth am I suppose to comprehend what he was saying?

Then...the bar tender with dreadlocks, asked for my number. I said..sorry...I don't give my numbers out. In the end, he gave me his name card. On it...some printing agency???I guess he has a job somewhere else.

We all buggered home about almost 5 in the morning....I slept till probably 3 in the afternoon and had the entire house to myself because parents went to Kuantan and Aunty Connie was off to Ipoh.

So fun!!! Keith dropped by with JC and Mike, hanged at my place teasing me about my pale looks. At least Keith was kind enough to cook for me some porridge. I didn't know he can cook!!! We all watched Amittyville and scared the living daylights out of each other.

I was planning not to go out that night, but a Dira called and said, let's go out agian. I was like...NOoOoO...and she went...come on...for me...for our friendship. GeEzZeE...so I went...We were supposed to be headed to Passion, but Ashraf had other plans for us. We went to Bar Savant instead.

I saw Rusty there agian and he asked us to join him upstairs coz he had a table. We were like...we'll see...coz we have friends at Blonde and W. After maybe 5 minutes, we all headed upstairs with Mia.

On the way up, I kinda saw one of Wai Soon's friends and my instinct just told me that something is going to happen tonight.

True enough, as I was grooving with Leelee and Marrissa, I turned around and saw Wai Soon...yes...my dear old ex....talking to the bar tender.

I pretended not to see him and looked away...and then Rusty came over agian asking us to join him. I peeked and saw...why on earth was Rusty so near Wai Soon! Then I thought...damn it! DOn't tell me they're friends! But thank God....they were not. Their tables were just next to each other.

We didn't join Rusty because we wanted to head to BLonde after Marinna finished her drink. So we stayed and I saw Wai Soon's friend staring at me. True enough, he walked over with Wai Soon and said hi.

I hate to say this...but Wai Soon looked really bad. His hair cut was all wrong...as if he went to some Chinese barber upstairs some night market or something. His cheeks looks all puffy and seriously...I always remembered him being taller. But on that night...He just looked so short!

AHhahH...Dira was just laughing her ass of saying like how the night before she met her ex, now its my turn. Only diff was I was so nonchalant about it and really didn't care. Honestly, I thought it might affect me a little, but it didn't.

Marissa said me feeling that way because I'm totally over him and no feelings for him anymore. Everyone was proud of the way I handled everything. Well...there was nothing to handle actually. I see him as a friend. Nothing more.

The only thing that went through my mind was....What on earth did I ever see in that guy!!! EwWw...Trust me...if I saw him on the streets these days, I wouldn't even fall for him. Totally not my type anymore.

Anyway, at Blonde, we were hanging out with Ben and some other guys. All having some fun coz most of them just came back from UK. We left Blonde at 3 and went over to Ashraf's place for more wine. Came home at 8 in the morning. *faint*

I slept for maybe 4 hours when Liy called me and said that she was coming over. I was almost dying. Thanks to Keith, he got me some medication and dropped it off at my place before he left for Penang. He scolded me for partying to much....well...I deserved it anyway.

Liy came over at about 2 sumthin and she made herself some noodles, had the Hershey's ice-cream my mom made and we headed off to the Curve for some pancakes.

Oscar, Rachel, Calvin and Oscar's brother met us there. We talked, gossiped and had so much fun. I on the other hand was having a flu. Yupp....the result of not having enough of sleep.

Came home at 8, watched Mona Lisa Smile for awhile and bounced off to watch SC on NHK...by then, the medication was hitting me hard and I could hardly open my eyes to oogle at guys.

But I'm wondeirng what on earth did Ueda and Ryo exchange in the letters....hMmMm..

Anyway, by 10 30, I was dead asleep on my bed while Liy continued to type away on my computer.

We woke up at about 12 today...yup...lil piggies....we had lunch at Mc Donalds and she was teasing me that there was the guy in Black who kept staring at me....SOrRrY bABE....I was blur....

Now...Amy is going to continue to catch some winkies....I'll wake up and study....later...yup...MuChhh...LATER....heheheh

L.O.V.E!!!

HmMm...If most of you have been following or been reading my blog, you will know what a skeptic I am when it comes to love and relationships. But mostly...I'm sitting on the fence, in the middle...as I've stated before, I do not believe that love or relationships last forever but I DO believe that Love exists.

I mean...I've seen it in my friends eyes...and well...I also know that there's this one person who loves me but unfortunately....I can never love him back. Liy saw it in his eyes...while I was just plain oblivious to it.

But now....there's this other one...who claims he loves me and is making it so obvious that its really begining to scare the hell out of me. Its overwhelming and its kind off suffocating.

Maybe because I feel extremely guilty or maybe because I'm not ready to accept him so fast.

If you don't know who or what on earth I'm babbling about, just go back 2 post and you'll get a rough idea. He's back...yup...from Melbourne and he surprised me by dropping at my house with a bunch of flowers.

You know...like Liy said....maybe I'm scared because he's a guy who fit every single criteria of a perfect someone for me. He's good looking, he's got potential to be successful, he's mature, he's humble.....he's everything that I always kind of wanted.

I mean...honestly. I used to just settle you know. Settle with all my ex's when I know for a fact like all my friends like Oscar and Liy pointed out that I can do better. But now...it's all in my face. A guy who's like been made out from the list I've had when I was 21 and I just can't accept him!!!

Liy did say that maybe I'm feeling this way because I love him and the feeling is foreign to me that it scares me. But no....trust me....I just can't afford any distraction anymore. I need to focus!!!

Yup....I'm graduating and am going to move on to have my own career. I'm only 22...I can't settle down just yet. Not especially when I've not fulfill my dreams and goals yet. As I've said before, my life...my friends and family is the most important to me right now. Love and guys...they just have to take the backseat at the moment.

But how am I going to continue to run away or reject him when he understands all this and all he says is..."I'll wait....no matter how long it takes....I'll wait and I'll help you fulfill your dreams...."

ManNNnNn....it's like pressuring me!!!

How long can I put him off anyway? I kept on telling him...give me time...give me time....but I can see that he's getting impatient.

Should I run away? Should I....ignore him? Should I....tell him that I've suddenly turn lesbian and my lover is Liy and I'll never like him? HAHAHHA....okei okie...the last idea is screwed....

Keith said that I shouldn't be with him because I pity him and should pick him instead. *rolls eyes* That guy should really stop flirting with anything that wears a skirt.

I did what a good friend adviced me to do. Made a list. Yup...I made a list of why I should and should not be with him...but the idea blew up in my face when I had more Should than shouldn't.

Its funny how....someone pointed out that he was actually 100 times better than any of my ex's all rolled into one. In other words....he would probably the best choice I've ever made in my entire dating career. But...maybe...just maybe...I'm attracted to imperfection...ahahah...or just plain dodgy and psychotic people like Liy and Oscar pointed out yesterday.

Yupp...Amy...she picks up charity cases and place them under her little wing....*ugh...they really do have a way of slapping me in the face* Then....those questions like...did you really like them? Did you really want to be with them? Why were you with them? Why did you choose them? Why why why?

AiyOhH...I DON'T KNOW!!! Maybe in my past life I owe them some shit and have to repay them this life. Give me a break...people make mistakes. I know I've some really bad choices in guys....but if only they saw the good in them...

Anyway, back to my current issue. I don't even see it as a problem or a dilema anymore....I see it as an issue that I need to solve before it becomes a problem.

I'm too soft I guess....But...seriously. Right now....my only focus is building myself, loving my friends and family and also working towards my lifelong dreams. He....will just have to wait.