The Road To Self-Destruction

"Got to get away from here…
Got to get away from all these people who need people… You know it really makes me sick
Got to get away from here…
Got to get away from expectations, recreations, just for the sake of it"
-Five For Fighting-


I'm definately in no position to go harping and yelling about being a truly happy person, because I can't say that I am. But of course, I'm finally learning and am also opening up to things that I've never accepted or thought of before.

I realized that there are some 'principles' that I held on to strongly was just going to destroy me. I guess in some ways, I need to let loose, let my hair down and just have fun.

How did I come to this realization? Simple. The protective bubble that I've been living in has finally been broken by a single prick of a needle. I finally saw the world for what it truly is.

Have I been so naive and innocent that I've been blinded to the reality of life? Have I been so protected by friends and family that left me being confused and lost? Maybe...just maybe...if everyone would just stop telling me what to do, who to be, how to act and what to believe. I can finally find myself a be more bold and daring.

Having realized that, all the joy and happiness I'm getting now runs a lot deeper and comes from having lived through hard times and having learnt from them. I finally woke up from the deep slumber and am now living a real life, not a charmed one.

You see, we usually see life's struggles as something to be avoided at all costs. Scientifically speaking, we humans are built in a way that our brains, when is overcomed with problems or grief, we manifest a kind of liquid that we are more familiar with as 'Tears'. After a good cry, we tend to shut the problems out and this is done to let our souls and body heal.

But is that the right thing to do? Blame it on the fairytales that has been pounded into our minds since our childhood which made us believe that there is always a happy ending. One thing for sure is, we never did read the fine lines that came with those stories. In reality, there are no such thing as "happily ever after". Instead, in place are REAL feelings of pain such as grief, guilt, sadness and betrayal. It's really alright to feel all that. This is because, we are only living human beings.

I used to be one of those who lived in denial. I pushed away all the emotions I felt into the back of my mind and locked it out. But then agian, don't we all do that without us realizing it at all? Then, to nurse our poor wounded souls, we go on a binge. Be it a shopping spree or binging on chocolates and ice cream to make us feel better. But think about it, what good does it bring to us in the end? A huge bill at the end of the month and maybe a few Kgs heavier than before from all the carbs, calories and fat that was injested.

Come on, wake up and smell the harsh reality of life. Lifelong happiness won't come from simply putting a bandaid over our emotional wounds or pretending that everything is going to work out fine. One thing for sure is, solutions don't just fall from the sky. We have to do something about it.

When did I come to this realization? Yoga...hahaha...kidding...come on. This is Amy you're talking about. Where on earth would I find time to do Yoga? (yes yes...if I can just sacrifice my DVDs). Seriously, I realized it after witnessing a few break ups, experiencing weird encounters with various people with colorful personalities and also finally seeing everyone for who they really are.

However, dealing with raw emotions is just not enough. We have to burrow and dig deeper into our unconscious mind and uncover all our so-called demons of the past. Self-reflections do help sometimes but never forget, denial does not.

If you realize, our lives are like a book. Page by page, it is filled with our little stories. It can be wonderful or it can be traumatic like loosing a loved one to death or something common such as being cheated on or dumped and left cold by your boyfriend or girlfried. These stories are like the threads that will slowly weave a beautiful piece of fabric that will become our personalities and eventually make us who we are.

Oh! Don't get me wrong. I'm still somewhat confused and complicated. But I'm happier. Happier than before but a long way more to go before I can truly be contented and blissful. Of course, it's obvious that my mind is very complex and their wires are probably tangled. I still don't know what I want. Don't know who I am.

Before I write off, Let me leave you with one thought. "Are you...yes you....truly Happy?"

New Soul or Old Soul

Many of you out there would disagree with what I'm going to write. Maybe you'll think I'm way whacked out of my mind. But I'm not. Don't take it personally, because this is only my point of view.

Have you ever wondered, what's your purpose living on this earth? I'm sure that thought have crossed many minds before. Well...it sure did cross mine. I've even thought about....am I here to help? To teach? To learn? To give or to take?

There's no answer to it. But I think to learn is more appropriate. Yes...life is a never ending learning experience. You meet one person and you learn from them. Despite him or her being evil, bitchy or bad. You learn never to become like them or never to do the same mistakes they did.

Someone said to me before. Every person that came into her life was like a book that she can learn from. The more friends she made, the more people she met, the wiser she became.

I find that very true. I look around me and realize that each and everyone is different in their own unique way. True...I get annoyed at some people and probably can't stand their actions or attitudes, but what makes them become this way? Do I ever want to become like them? Am I like them? No...if I can see the bad and negative side of the person....it only means that I should and shall never become that way.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I've my flaws. In fact, I've so many flaws its uncountable. I'm not even what you can call a decent human being right now. But I'm not afriad to say that I'm learning. I'm not sure if I'll succeed, but I will damn hell try my very best.

People come into your lives for a reason. Some might hurt you, some might step on you and some might give you joy. I've always felt that there is no point in being angry or holding a grudge agianst someone who said something bad about you or did something to hurt you. It doesn't do you any good. All you can do is vent out your anger by screaming, shouting and even shouting profinities at that person. But so what? What do you gain? Satisfaction or a bad case of sore throat and high blood pressure?

Sure....we need to vent out our anger....but if only we can transfer all that energy into something else. Something more useful. I know its difficult, and I'm not going to lie and tell you that I do not scream or shout when I'm angry. But if you see it this way, what goes around, comes around. The law of Retribution. It'll always be there.

I've learned that walking away from a fight and being the bigger person. You will feel so much lighter, and happier.

Judging someone without knowing that person first. Unfair? Of course it is. But everyone judges everyone. For instance, you walk on a street and you see this extremely huge or obese lady. I'm sure you'll say "DAMN...CHECK THE FAT ON THAT LADY!" or something along that line. Have you ever thought that as you judge someone, there is someone else out there who might be judging you as well? Give that a thought.

That's why. I hate judging people. I do not like thinking of someone other than they are not. So what if he or she looks bad? They're human like any of us. With feelings and emotions. Do they deserved to be talked down like that? Do you deserve to pass judgement on someone without looking at yourself first? Do you have the right to judge someone?

But then agian, I'm someone who don't give a two cent worth of my time to bad judgements passed on me. I really don't care what people say or think about me. I am who I am. If I allow people to get to me. To put me down and to make me feel any less than I am. Then I'm falling into their trap. In other words. Be confident and proud of who you are.

I always believe, if you can take a few minutes off your busy schedule and reflect upon yourself. Maybe....just maybe....people will be less selfish and ignorant.

I don't ask for anything from anyone. Just to leave me in peace and if there's something you want to say to me. Say it to me directly. If friendship is what you want, friendship is what you get. Because that is the only thing I, Amy can offer.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

There is not a single person in this world that is without a friend. Everyone has someone by their sides. No matter what color they are, how bitchy they are or how sickeningly perfect they are. They always have friends.

That is why we can never live through life without friends. Friendship is something to be cherished. Even more than a lover. Why? Because a boyfriend or girlfriend....well...they come and go. But Friends...they will always be by your side.

Through thick and thin. Best friends are hard to find. Friendship isn't made in a day. It's built slowly by trust. Just like an old oak tree. It grows strong and steadily for years and years to come.

Just like my mother and her best friend Aunty Jennifer. They've been friends since they were 16. I've sat through their stories of how they met, and how they went on dates, how they cried on each other shoulders when they broke up with their boyfriends, how they smiled at each other when they got married and how they shared tears of joy when their first born was brought into the world. Of course they bicker and argue, but in the end, when problem arises, the first person they will call is each other.

Who in the world would know you better than your best friend? She's the one who you'll go to when you get your heart broken or when you had a quarrel with your boyfriend. She'll be the one who you share coffee with, bitching about the girl who stole your boyfriend.

But sometimes, you're blinded by the gift of friendship. Especially when your head is buried so deep inside another guy that you start to neglect your best friend. Yes...sure, at that time He is the most important thing to you. The one that makes you happy...and blah blah blah...the whole shit.

You'll start to ignore the sadness in your friends eyes when you reject her calls or her invitation for a drink. You'll not hear the soft sigh she makes.

Then BANG! When the idiotic fool who made your head so fluffily high in the clouds breaks your heart, you run crying to her. You whine and cry about how he's an idiot and how much it hurts that he broke your heart.

You go on telling her that nobody loves you or cares about you as she gently strokes your hair and listens to your cries patiently.

Little by little, you become unblinded and then you'll finally see that even though there are many guys who broke your heart, there's one person who will never hurt you and that is your best friend.

When nobody is there to catch you when you fall, or to hold you when you need someone, she's always there. But most of all, when you feel that there isn't anyone who loves or care about you, all you have to do is pick up the phone and dial your best friend's number. Because, you'll then realize how lucky you are to have her in your life. By your side.

Freedom and Bad News

Finally, all exam stress and assignments are over and done with. I really want to be happy. Truly, really and honestly. I was, at first. When I penned my last full stop, handed in my last paper, I was actually almost jumping with joy. Thinking to myself that my stressful days are over and I can now sleep, eat and just relax properly.

It wasn't until I got home when reality slap me hard in the face. Only then I realized that other than stress from studies, the road ahead of me is going to be long and bumpy.

I really can't say what my problems are but it's something that you never thought will befall upon you and your family. I don't know if I've the right to actually break down at this moment as I have to be strong and supportive.

As I read back my past entries, I realized how trivial all my problems sounded. I realized that exam stress, assignments headaches or even the lost of love isn't actually that bad. There are things way worst than that and never in my 21 years of life did I imagine I'll go through this.

Will things get better? I really don't know. God, I wished I knew. Sometimes, there are things that God can't even help and there are nobody else to give you a helping hand except yourself.

It came to the point where I feel so alone. I wished I had a sister or a brother share this burden and pain with. But unfortunately, I'm the only child and I've nobody to depend on except me and myself. I can't break down. No. I've to be strong for my parents sake.

But who can I turn too? I've never been good at expressing my feelings and never been comfortable voicing out my problems to anyone. Maybe because I always felt that in the end it's only me that can solve it. Maybe I don't ever want to depend or burden anyone else.

The only thing I've ever been good at is writing. Yeah. The only way I can express my thoughts and worries. I guess I never wanted symphaty or for someone to pity me. That's why I always kept everything inside.

It has now come to the point that I might have to dissapear for awhile till the problems is solved. Why do I have to go? This is my home.

I don't mean to sound so weak but I really never felt more alone that I feel today. It's been so long since I shed tears and I thought I've dried out. I guess I didn't. But I can only cry alone in the dark because doing that in front of my parents will only make them worry about me.

When situation like this occurs, you think to yourself what have you done to deserve this? Why is it that its only you that is suffering and not everyone else? Its not fair...

I really don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't even dare think what will happen in 2 days, or 2 months. I don't even know what will happen to me at that time.

It's amazing how when you really need someone right now, there isn't anyone left by your side. The friends you need are away or having problems of their own and I never like bothering people anyway.

I don't know what else to do now. I really don't. I'm so scared and worried about the problems that I'm so afriad that I've lost my footing and have fallen.

Only now I realize that there is nobody out there or someone to hug or cry with me except myself. But I'm used to it. Being alone...handling a problem by myself. This is just how life goes.

I hope the next time I blog a new entry, it'll be a happier one.

In No Mood to StUdY!

One more day....ONE MORE DAY to FREEDOM....so peeps out there...be prepared to recieve calls from a totally bored Amy asking you to come out and accompany her...HAHAHAHAHAHA....*sees people running away and switching off their phones*

The worst thing is, tomorrow I've 2 papers to sit. Media Law and PR consultancy. The hardest paper this semester. Guess what? I haven't cracked the book. Everytime I look at the Media Law handbook, I just get so turned off. I even hid it under my pillows for an hour just so I don't feel guilty not having it staring back at me accussingly.

I really need to get back to studying. But the only time I can really study is at night. Like from 2 to 3 am. That's like when everything just suddenly gets absorbed in like a sponge. So, no sleep for me tonight!!!

Today I actually did quite alot of stuff. Accomplished many things. I finally went to get my passport made. Surprisingly, there wasn't anyone and I had it done in an hour. Then I took Cookie to the vet because she had an ear infection. Got to talking to this guy as we waited for the Vet to be done with 2 other cats. He had a beagle named Boo...isn't that cute? eheheh...The guy is really really nice and friendly. We talked for like half an hour and he even followed me into the doctor's room to help me hold Cookie. For that half an hour, I never once asked his name. HAHAHAH....what a mean person I am.

Anyway, before I left, he asked me for my name and I told him to call me Amy. Guess what his name is? Damien. Yes....Damien...the name that I really like and would name my son with (if i ever have one that is). I think he wanted to ask for my number, but my mom came and I had to get into the car.

I really liked his dog Boo...very very cute puppy. EHheHEhe...maybe one day I'll get a beagle too. FLoopy ears, sad eyes...makes you just want to permanently hug it and give him or her all the love you can.

I came home after the vet and only got to rest for about 2 hours and then Aunty Connie came and I went out for tea with her. She's always asking me if I had a boyfriend I've to always tell her no. When I say no, she will get funny ideas of match making me someone. *Drops Dead*

She needs to understand that I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYONE. GeEeEeEzEeE...I'm perfectly happy the way I am right now...ehhehe....it the guys she's gonna hook me up is anything like C.T. I'm screwed. But anyway, I told her thanks but no thanks. I can look for a guy myself when the time is right. For now, I love my freedom and the fact that I'm able to do whatever I want.

It's impossible for me to jump from the boiling pot into the frying pan right? Moreover, she was so funny when she mentioned my ex. She was staring at me to see if I was okay. Goodness....please....I was over him a long time ago!!!

I told her what I thought about relationships and some other stuff like guys. She was really surprised that at my age, I was able to think that way. But she told me not to be such a stubborn minded person because I'll end up like her. Not getting married and finding a man that she can love full heartedly.

Well, you know what they say. Once bitten, twice shy. But I believe, you learn from mistakes and you just get smarter and stronger. Who knows...maybe one day, I'll be ready to open myself up to that prince charming of mine. Let's just hope he's not a frog!!!!

Blogging in the Lab

I'm bored. Life Sucks majorly and I had such a freaking bad day. NOT FUNNY. Need to go freaking bath in flower water to get rid of the bad luck.

Today, was my exam day! Last night I didn't even get proper sleep, waking up in the middle of the night for no particular reason. I wonder why? Anyway, this morning, I woke up late, so I was rushing around. Just as I drove to the petrol station to feed my car, It stalled!!!! Blardy hell....the battery was dead.

Thank God my dad hasn't left for work and I called him to come get me. In the end I had to call Debbie and Oscar to come save my ass and pick me up. We arrived at the exam hall about half an hour late. But luckily, I managed to finish my paper in one hour because it was pretty simple. Great for someone who didn't blardy study at all.

Well, not to sound really selfish and all, but I'm glad I'm not alone in this. It seems that all my friends are basically having a sucky weekend as myself. Ugh...what on earth is wrong with this month? Not like it started off great or anything. It started off BAD and now it seems to be getting worst.

DECEMBER please come quickly. I really am waiting for a change of luck and for something to actually happy to look forward too. SUCKY MONTH I TELL YA!!! NOVEMBER SHOOOOOOo!!!!

Not only is the aircond in the lab freaking cold and is trying to freeze me to death, I'm tired, cranky and hungry! Yes, I totally forgot to feed my tummy dinner, breakfast and lunch.

BUT....being Amy and all....I shall look at the brighter side of things. After wednesday, I'm going to be as free as a bird!!! YES YES YES!!!!! I can finally take my rest, and no more exams, no more assignments, no more paper due stress. If I hear the word 'copyright', 'law' and 'client brief' one more time, I SWEAR I'm going to check myself in a mental institution. But then agian....it's not like I'm not already bouncing off the walls.

I really doubt things can get any worst. Wait...maybe it can. Sigh....'quarter life crisis'....when on earth is things going to get better!!! HELLO....I'm getting slightly impatient here......VERY actually....

OKIE OKIE...POSITIVE THINKING. No more negative thoughts. I need to hype myself up. Yeah....Woman Power....*bleah* (I bet the guys are laughing their heads off and rolling their eyes). I do not care. I like okie?

Something is seriously wrong with me. Feeling really anti-social these past days. I rather just lock myself in my room and just chill. It's not like I've tons to do. But I just don't feel like facing anyone right now. I feel like shit. Yeah....ugly, fat and drained. Need to rejuvenate and then go face the world looking and feeling confident.

HmMmM...maybe I need some choccies for comfort? NOOOOO.....CALORIES....(sounding more like a bimbo). You know, my mind is so cluttered right now. All the freaking law terms. I HATE HATE HATE MEDIA LAW. I HATE LAW. PERMANENTLY.

Thank God I didn't listen to my aunty and persue Law or I'll just die. I'll hang myself and just freaking die. Imagine having to learn all the terms, the remedies and stuff. Blardy boring idiotic stuff. I can't believe my cousin can stand being a lawyer. Wait....she is complaining about it. HAHAH....ah well....the grass is always greener on the other side right? Money is good right?

But Money ain't everything. It's essential. But not everything. You can't buy happiness, you can't buy love, you can't buy health. OKIE OKIE...basically, you can. BUT it's not real!!!! Really...its not.....I rather be poor and be in love than to be rich and be in love. I rather love a poor, humble guy than a rich, idiotic bastard. Yeah...that's me....so what? I like okie....shoot me.

However, right now, I don't give a shit about anything. I'm angry at the whole world. Seriously. I'm getting really pessimistic and bitchy. NOT GOOD. I really am begining to hate myself for being to nice and allowing myself to be stepped on.

I wished I was really more mean and learn how to say 'no' and how to push people I can't stand away. Or maybe tell them in the face that they suck. Nah.....I can't. I can't even express my feelings properly. How am I going to express hate anyway?

*bitching session...so becareful*

Like this Bitch. I really can't freaking stand her no more. I have to avoid a bitch like her. Seriously, she's freaking screwing up my mind. That dumb bitch in denial. She really needs to grow up, look in the mirror and realize what a screwed up person she is. Puh-lease. You need to know how to be a bitch before you self-proclaim yourself to be the Mother of all Bitches. Really....she disgust me to the maximum. Her attitude and the way she does things.....*shakes head* This kind of human beings should just be dissapear from the face of earth. So full of herself and over confident. There's a certain extent to being confident. She's taking it over the limit. Thinking she's so god-damn beautiful with all the guys falling at her feet. OH GWAD....that really really makes me sick. Stupid Bitch in Denial. GoShHhH....always thinking she's right. Always thinking that she's the best person and EVERYONE loves her, looks up to her and adores her. She needs a real hard reality check!!!!I really really HATE HER.

BUt....I'm going to let it be. RETRIBUTION. I highly, truly believe in that!!!! I shall continue being nice to her. Treat hate with love and evil with kindness right? Yeah....so...end of the bitching session. Toodles.

BBQ PIGGIE

*Disclaimer...please do not read on if you're not in the mood for loads of insulting, swearing and sarcasm.*

Right now, if I was a piggie, I'll be ready to be eaten.BARBEQUE PORK. Yeah...crispy and well done. Why? Because I'm so angry...that I'm boiling so hot inside that I'm so surprised that there's no steam coming out from my nostrils and ears yet.

One thing for sure is that I really hate feeling this way. I don't like feeling so frustrated and full of hate. I tried to go to my so-called 'Happy Place' but it's not working.

Okay, let's get started. This is in connection with my previous post. Yesterday, I recieved a phone call from my best friend. I was half asleep when she called and I almost panicked when I picked up the phone and heard her voice. I instantly knew that something was wrong. She sounded as if she was crying but also...very out of it. I asked her what was wrong and she went on rambling about how she can't take it anymore. How she was suffering so badly and wanted to pain to go away.

The next sentence she told me made me jump out of bed, grab my car keys and drive like a freaking maniac to her house. She tried to swallow some of her mother's sleeping pills.

Thank goodness her maid was home and let me in. I ran up the stairs and found her in her room on her bed crying. Thank God that she chickened out and I found the pills at the foot of her bed. I had the urge to flush it down the toilet but I was afriad her mother would be needing it.

I hugged her and asked her to calm down. She said that she can't eat, sleep or even do anything anymore without thinking of the bastard. She was suffering so badly and really didn't want to continue living life like this anymore. It's not that she wanted to be this way, but she can't help it. She loved him too much.

Deep down, I was really angry. So angry at the fact that this asshole actually did this to my friend. He didn't deserve to be loved by her. He didn't deserved to live as well. A jerk like him should just burn in hell for all I care. I wished I was a guy, strong enough to punch him in the face and do permanent damage to his face.

But then agian, violence isn't going to solve anything. The best thing is to ignore this low-life and just move on with life. I told her that she shouldn't do this to herself. It was not worth it. She's still young and there are many many guys out there to meet and one day, she'll find someone who will love and cherish her more than ever.

She said she tried to let go. But it was too difficult. She cried and begged me to take the pain away. Seeing my friend that way, just made me break down and cry as well. Not for the bastard, but for the pain and suffering she was going through. I wished I could...take the pain away. But I can't. It's something she had to do by herself.

I told her, if I had one wish right now, it'll be to make her stop loving him. I asked her what good does she see in that bastard. He was a useless, un-educated wannabe who is so full of himself and thinks that he can get any girl that he wants. A player with no looks or money. I'm sure he put all the player's name to shame.

She didn't know why she loved him as well. She just did. Who am I to question her anyway? I know what she meant. When you love someone, you're blinded to all his bad points and all see the goodness in him. What they say is true, Love is blind.

I don't know how long I sat there, just hugging her as she cried her eyes out. It's amazing how one can produce so much tears and not go dry. Unlike me, I dried out a long time ago. But who knows....maybe one day I'll cry for a guy agian. Never say never right?

She held onto me as if I was her lifeline. I can actually feel her pain and I know there's nothing I can do except be there for her. The only person who can stop the pain unfortunately is him and herself.

Finally, after a few hours, she begged me to call him. Maybe it was one last desperate plea. She wanted to know if he still cared for her. I really didn't want to call him. I said it was pointless because I knew in the end, she's going to hurt even more.

But she begged and begged and who am I to say no? I called him and told him that she tried to end her life for him. Guess what was his answer? His answer made me want to kill someone.

"That's not my problem anymore. Who ask her to be so stupid?"

Yup...that was his f***ed answer. I was so angry, I was speechless. I slammed down the phone and couldn't talk for a few seconds. Well...you know how I am. When you want to get Amy angry, make her angry beyond words. If not, get ready for some sarcasm and cruel words to be hurled at you. He did excatly that. Made me soooo angry I thought I was about to burst.

She asked me what he said. How was I suppose to tell her? I just told her he was busy and can't talk. I can't hurt her anymore and she's in such a fragile state.

I really wanted to shake her by the shoulders, slap her and ask her to wake up. To stop hurting and doing this to herself. I'm so worried about her. So worried that she'll end her life for a measly low life.

I stayed with her until she fell asleep and when I was about to leave, I bumped into her mother. Her mother was dead worried about her and we had a long chat. In the end, her mother decided to send her to San Fransico by next week to stay with her older sister. To get her out of the country and to get the bastard out of her mind. She wanted to get me a ticket too. But I can't.

I told her mother to call me if anything goes wrong and left. I think the mother took her to Singapore today. I hope everything is alright.

When things like that happen, it just makes me question about the whole 'love' thing agian. I really, truly don't want to lose hope in guys or love. But when things like these happens right in front of you, you start to wonder.

Wonder if 'true love' do exists? I grew up believing in love and I don't want to stop believing. But so far...it has nothing but a big dissapointment.

I might look strong on the outside, but maybe I do need someone to save me as well. Someone to hug me and tell me that everything will be alright and that there's still hope out there.

I don't want to end up being bitter and scornful towards love. I don't want to be a skeptic or a pessimist. I want to believe. But it's so hard!!!

It seems that there's only hurt and pain instead of happiness and joy. I know not all guys are bastards....and that there are still a handful of great guys out there. But really....don't you realize that all good guys ends up with really screwed up girls and really honest, sweet girls ends up with real assholes?

SigHhH...maybe its time for me to actually learn how to love myself more than actually putting too much attention into my friend's problems. Sometimes, a person has to be selfish right? But then agian...that's not me....I tend to put myself last in everything. Even love.

This is depressing. I don't feel anger anymore, only dissapointment. Where's my savior when I need him? At times like these, I really need someone even though I keep on telling myself that I don't. I should really stop being in denial.

But I'm afriad. Coz if I face my true self. I won't be as strong anymore. The bricks I've started to put up to protect me will come crumbling down. Then I'll be vulnerable agian. I'll be weak agian. Then at that time...there won't be anyone to save me.