The Road To Self-Destruction

"Got to get away from here…
Got to get away from all these people who need people… You know it really makes me sick
Got to get away from here…
Got to get away from expectations, recreations, just for the sake of it"
-Five For Fighting-


I'm definately in no position to go harping and yelling about being a truly happy person, because I can't say that I am. But of course, I'm finally learning and am also opening up to things that I've never accepted or thought of before.

I realized that there are some 'principles' that I held on to strongly was just going to destroy me. I guess in some ways, I need to let loose, let my hair down and just have fun.

How did I come to this realization? Simple. The protective bubble that I've been living in has finally been broken by a single prick of a needle. I finally saw the world for what it truly is.

Have I been so naive and innocent that I've been blinded to the reality of life? Have I been so protected by friends and family that left me being confused and lost? Maybe...just maybe...if everyone would just stop telling me what to do, who to be, how to act and what to believe. I can finally find myself a be more bold and daring.

Having realized that, all the joy and happiness I'm getting now runs a lot deeper and comes from having lived through hard times and having learnt from them. I finally woke up from the deep slumber and am now living a real life, not a charmed one.

You see, we usually see life's struggles as something to be avoided at all costs. Scientifically speaking, we humans are built in a way that our brains, when is overcomed with problems or grief, we manifest a kind of liquid that we are more familiar with as 'Tears'. After a good cry, we tend to shut the problems out and this is done to let our souls and body heal.

But is that the right thing to do? Blame it on the fairytales that has been pounded into our minds since our childhood which made us believe that there is always a happy ending. One thing for sure is, we never did read the fine lines that came with those stories. In reality, there are no such thing as "happily ever after". Instead, in place are REAL feelings of pain such as grief, guilt, sadness and betrayal. It's really alright to feel all that. This is because, we are only living human beings.

I used to be one of those who lived in denial. I pushed away all the emotions I felt into the back of my mind and locked it out. But then agian, don't we all do that without us realizing it at all? Then, to nurse our poor wounded souls, we go on a binge. Be it a shopping spree or binging on chocolates and ice cream to make us feel better. But think about it, what good does it bring to us in the end? A huge bill at the end of the month and maybe a few Kgs heavier than before from all the carbs, calories and fat that was injested.

Come on, wake up and smell the harsh reality of life. Lifelong happiness won't come from simply putting a bandaid over our emotional wounds or pretending that everything is going to work out fine. One thing for sure is, solutions don't just fall from the sky. We have to do something about it.

When did I come to this realization? Yoga...hahaha...kidding...come on. This is Amy you're talking about. Where on earth would I find time to do Yoga? (yes yes...if I can just sacrifice my DVDs). Seriously, I realized it after witnessing a few break ups, experiencing weird encounters with various people with colorful personalities and also finally seeing everyone for who they really are.

However, dealing with raw emotions is just not enough. We have to burrow and dig deeper into our unconscious mind and uncover all our so-called demons of the past. Self-reflections do help sometimes but never forget, denial does not.

If you realize, our lives are like a book. Page by page, it is filled with our little stories. It can be wonderful or it can be traumatic like loosing a loved one to death or something common such as being cheated on or dumped and left cold by your boyfriend or girlfried. These stories are like the threads that will slowly weave a beautiful piece of fabric that will become our personalities and eventually make us who we are.

Oh! Don't get me wrong. I'm still somewhat confused and complicated. But I'm happier. Happier than before but a long way more to go before I can truly be contented and blissful. Of course, it's obvious that my mind is very complex and their wires are probably tangled. I still don't know what I want. Don't know who I am.

Before I write off, Let me leave you with one thought. "Are you...yes you....truly Happy?"