BBQ PIGGIE

*Disclaimer...please do not read on if you're not in the mood for loads of insulting, swearing and sarcasm.*

Right now, if I was a piggie, I'll be ready to be eaten.BARBEQUE PORK. Yeah...crispy and well done. Why? Because I'm so angry...that I'm boiling so hot inside that I'm so surprised that there's no steam coming out from my nostrils and ears yet.

One thing for sure is that I really hate feeling this way. I don't like feeling so frustrated and full of hate. I tried to go to my so-called 'Happy Place' but it's not working.

Okay, let's get started. This is in connection with my previous post. Yesterday, I recieved a phone call from my best friend. I was half asleep when she called and I almost panicked when I picked up the phone and heard her voice. I instantly knew that something was wrong. She sounded as if she was crying but also...very out of it. I asked her what was wrong and she went on rambling about how she can't take it anymore. How she was suffering so badly and wanted to pain to go away.

The next sentence she told me made me jump out of bed, grab my car keys and drive like a freaking maniac to her house. She tried to swallow some of her mother's sleeping pills.

Thank goodness her maid was home and let me in. I ran up the stairs and found her in her room on her bed crying. Thank God that she chickened out and I found the pills at the foot of her bed. I had the urge to flush it down the toilet but I was afriad her mother would be needing it.

I hugged her and asked her to calm down. She said that she can't eat, sleep or even do anything anymore without thinking of the bastard. She was suffering so badly and really didn't want to continue living life like this anymore. It's not that she wanted to be this way, but she can't help it. She loved him too much.

Deep down, I was really angry. So angry at the fact that this asshole actually did this to my friend. He didn't deserve to be loved by her. He didn't deserved to live as well. A jerk like him should just burn in hell for all I care. I wished I was a guy, strong enough to punch him in the face and do permanent damage to his face.

But then agian, violence isn't going to solve anything. The best thing is to ignore this low-life and just move on with life. I told her that she shouldn't do this to herself. It was not worth it. She's still young and there are many many guys out there to meet and one day, she'll find someone who will love and cherish her more than ever.

She said she tried to let go. But it was too difficult. She cried and begged me to take the pain away. Seeing my friend that way, just made me break down and cry as well. Not for the bastard, but for the pain and suffering she was going through. I wished I could...take the pain away. But I can't. It's something she had to do by herself.

I told her, if I had one wish right now, it'll be to make her stop loving him. I asked her what good does she see in that bastard. He was a useless, un-educated wannabe who is so full of himself and thinks that he can get any girl that he wants. A player with no looks or money. I'm sure he put all the player's name to shame.

She didn't know why she loved him as well. She just did. Who am I to question her anyway? I know what she meant. When you love someone, you're blinded to all his bad points and all see the goodness in him. What they say is true, Love is blind.

I don't know how long I sat there, just hugging her as she cried her eyes out. It's amazing how one can produce so much tears and not go dry. Unlike me, I dried out a long time ago. But who knows....maybe one day I'll cry for a guy agian. Never say never right?

She held onto me as if I was her lifeline. I can actually feel her pain and I know there's nothing I can do except be there for her. The only person who can stop the pain unfortunately is him and herself.

Finally, after a few hours, she begged me to call him. Maybe it was one last desperate plea. She wanted to know if he still cared for her. I really didn't want to call him. I said it was pointless because I knew in the end, she's going to hurt even more.

But she begged and begged and who am I to say no? I called him and told him that she tried to end her life for him. Guess what was his answer? His answer made me want to kill someone.

"That's not my problem anymore. Who ask her to be so stupid?"

Yup...that was his f***ed answer. I was so angry, I was speechless. I slammed down the phone and couldn't talk for a few seconds. Well...you know how I am. When you want to get Amy angry, make her angry beyond words. If not, get ready for some sarcasm and cruel words to be hurled at you. He did excatly that. Made me soooo angry I thought I was about to burst.

She asked me what he said. How was I suppose to tell her? I just told her he was busy and can't talk. I can't hurt her anymore and she's in such a fragile state.

I really wanted to shake her by the shoulders, slap her and ask her to wake up. To stop hurting and doing this to herself. I'm so worried about her. So worried that she'll end her life for a measly low life.

I stayed with her until she fell asleep and when I was about to leave, I bumped into her mother. Her mother was dead worried about her and we had a long chat. In the end, her mother decided to send her to San Fransico by next week to stay with her older sister. To get her out of the country and to get the bastard out of her mind. She wanted to get me a ticket too. But I can't.

I told her mother to call me if anything goes wrong and left. I think the mother took her to Singapore today. I hope everything is alright.

When things like that happen, it just makes me question about the whole 'love' thing agian. I really, truly don't want to lose hope in guys or love. But when things like these happens right in front of you, you start to wonder.

Wonder if 'true love' do exists? I grew up believing in love and I don't want to stop believing. But so far...it has nothing but a big dissapointment.

I might look strong on the outside, but maybe I do need someone to save me as well. Someone to hug me and tell me that everything will be alright and that there's still hope out there.

I don't want to end up being bitter and scornful towards love. I don't want to be a skeptic or a pessimist. I want to believe. But it's so hard!!!

It seems that there's only hurt and pain instead of happiness and joy. I know not all guys are bastards....and that there are still a handful of great guys out there. But really....don't you realize that all good guys ends up with really screwed up girls and really honest, sweet girls ends up with real assholes?

SigHhH...maybe its time for me to actually learn how to love myself more than actually putting too much attention into my friend's problems. Sometimes, a person has to be selfish right? But then agian...that's not me....I tend to put myself last in everything. Even love.

This is depressing. I don't feel anger anymore, only dissapointment. Where's my savior when I need him? At times like these, I really need someone even though I keep on telling myself that I don't. I should really stop being in denial.

But I'm afriad. Coz if I face my true self. I won't be as strong anymore. The bricks I've started to put up to protect me will come crumbling down. Then I'll be vulnerable agian. I'll be weak agian. Then at that time...there won't be anyone to save me.