Freedom and Bad News

Finally, all exam stress and assignments are over and done with. I really want to be happy. Truly, really and honestly. I was, at first. When I penned my last full stop, handed in my last paper, I was actually almost jumping with joy. Thinking to myself that my stressful days are over and I can now sleep, eat and just relax properly.

It wasn't until I got home when reality slap me hard in the face. Only then I realized that other than stress from studies, the road ahead of me is going to be long and bumpy.

I really can't say what my problems are but it's something that you never thought will befall upon you and your family. I don't know if I've the right to actually break down at this moment as I have to be strong and supportive.

As I read back my past entries, I realized how trivial all my problems sounded. I realized that exam stress, assignments headaches or even the lost of love isn't actually that bad. There are things way worst than that and never in my 21 years of life did I imagine I'll go through this.

Will things get better? I really don't know. God, I wished I knew. Sometimes, there are things that God can't even help and there are nobody else to give you a helping hand except yourself.

It came to the point where I feel so alone. I wished I had a sister or a brother share this burden and pain with. But unfortunately, I'm the only child and I've nobody to depend on except me and myself. I can't break down. No. I've to be strong for my parents sake.

But who can I turn too? I've never been good at expressing my feelings and never been comfortable voicing out my problems to anyone. Maybe because I always felt that in the end it's only me that can solve it. Maybe I don't ever want to depend or burden anyone else.

The only thing I've ever been good at is writing. Yeah. The only way I can express my thoughts and worries. I guess I never wanted symphaty or for someone to pity me. That's why I always kept everything inside.

It has now come to the point that I might have to dissapear for awhile till the problems is solved. Why do I have to go? This is my home.

I don't mean to sound so weak but I really never felt more alone that I feel today. It's been so long since I shed tears and I thought I've dried out. I guess I didn't. But I can only cry alone in the dark because doing that in front of my parents will only make them worry about me.

When situation like this occurs, you think to yourself what have you done to deserve this? Why is it that its only you that is suffering and not everyone else? Its not fair...

I really don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't even dare think what will happen in 2 days, or 2 months. I don't even know what will happen to me at that time.

It's amazing how when you really need someone right now, there isn't anyone left by your side. The friends you need are away or having problems of their own and I never like bothering people anyway.

I don't know what else to do now. I really don't. I'm so scared and worried about the problems that I'm so afriad that I've lost my footing and have fallen.

Only now I realize that there is nobody out there or someone to hug or cry with me except myself. But I'm used to it. Being alone...handling a problem by myself. This is just how life goes.

I hope the next time I blog a new entry, it'll be a happier one.