Lately, I've been feeling a little confused and nostalgic. Maybe because he came back and threw my life into this big whirlwind of confusion. Why can't he just have stayed in Melbourne? *Sigh*

To those who are going..."WHO?!?!" He's my childhood friend. We knew each other since we were both in primary but he migrated to Melbourne with his family and never did came back.

I never thought he would suddenly appear in my life like a jackrabbit on my birthday. Of course I was delighted to have met him agian. Boy oh boy...did he change from the stocky little kid. He grew up...and yes...he grew into this really charismatic, tall, charming young man.

Obviously I was really happy to meet an old friend and we were just catching up with old times, filling in the blanks and stuff like that. One call led to another meeting...and another...and another....

Well...you know Amy...she's oblivious to her surroundings. It wasn't until a friend of ours called me and said. "You know...either you're really stupid or you're just playing blind to his moves..."

What moves?!?!?! I thought we were just friends. Yup...right after those words left my mouth, I was suddenly asked out for a real 'date'. Remember how I never actually been on a date. Well, now I know what a date is all about. He came with flowers and took me out for dinner.

Honestly....I find it too good to be through. It's like...too fake? Fine...I know I'm being demanding...but....you can't blame me.Not after what I've been through in the past.

He did ask me if there's any chance for us to be a couple. That's the thing. I do like him....but...I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be ready to be with him just yet. I'm still in the process of finding myself and trying to love myself.

How can I love someone if I don't love myself right? And if I did give it a try...what will it lead too? Maybe he's too perfect for me...until everything seems so unreal. He's sweet, romantic, loving, smart and alsot really good looking.

I guess he's like what most of you will say. MY TYPE. but...I guess its the timing you know...its all wrong. He did say he'll wait...but...it won't be fair for him right? Making him wait...he does after all, deserves the best and I'm not sure if I'm the best.

He just went back to Melbourne for 2 weeks to settle all his immigration stuff and will come back to Malaysia for good after that. He did say he wanted to cut his trip short and come back to see me. But....I told him to stay because its a good time for me to think about things and basically...just concentrate on all my dumb assignments.

I really don't need another stress in my life at the moment. Maybe I've become so independent and free that thinking of being tied down is just too.......suffocating. I know he will give me my freedom and all the trust I want...but....the question is...am I willing to trust him with my heart?

UgHhH....I really need to get my thoughts back on track. I can't let guys run my life. I've already made up my mind about concentrating on my graduation and then building my career. Why on earth does he have to come back now?

I'm just glad he's not like the other guys I've been with. One thing is...maybe all this while, I've this perfect image of my perfect guy with perfect personality in my mind. And suddenly, this perfect guy turns up and I get scared and find it all so unreal.

I remembered when he left for Melbourne and he was hugging me goodbye, all I could think of is...."run Amy...run!!! Save yourself...." But when he's gone, I found myself missing him.

Anyway...like I told my best friend. "If he's really sincere, then he'll wait until I'm ready."

God knows when only will I be ready...but honestly. I think I need a breather. After my break up with Wai Soon...it was one after another. I really need to take a long holiday and be with myself.

Like Bonita adviced me....I shall not let my emotions over rule my head and I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet without letting another guy push me down.

So I guess....we'll just see how things build from here. But you know what's the worst part? When your friends and family absolutely adores him......my mom thinks he's great and asked me why don't I give him a chance.

He's such a sneaky little twerp! Instead of attacking my heart first, he attacks the heart of my family! BleAhHhH....

I'm just glad he'll never read this blog...one thing I love about him is that for a 23 year old, he's very responsible and mature about things. Not mature in the sense of....yeah, people say I'm mature...then I'm mature. He's mature in ways that I've never seen before in a guy and I really respect his goals, his principles and his philosophy of life.

But....I've to draw a line. Do I love being with him or do I love the idea of being with him. I guess...I'll think about that after my final exam. Until then....the only love of my life is going to be my books, my assignments and myself.

Selfish huh? SO whut....I should be!