Unspoken Words

From before, I've never been a person who was good with spoken words. Maybe because I'm a writer and I express my feelings, my emotions and my thoughts through writing. It seems that words flows easier through writing than through my mouth.

I guess because writing it is somewhat more safer. You can delete it or erase it if you don't feel that the sentence is right. But once something is said, it can never be undone. Trust me, I've stuck my foot in my mouth too many times to ever do that agian.

The other day, a friend of mine actually asked me if I was as romantic and daring as all my characters in my fiction or even in my essay. Unfortunately, I had to dissapoint him and say NO. In reality, I hide behind the safety of my unspoken words. My only witness to my true feelings is my pen and paper.

My mind is like a whirlwind. I can be sitting in front of you, listening to you talk and actually sometimes act really blur. But in reality, I'm not as stupid or as blur as I really am. I know what is going on around me, I observe silently, quietly and evaluate situations in my mind. Sneaky? Nope...I'm just careful. I don't like having my whole personality laid out on the table. I don't want people to know me too well.

It's fun sometimes, acting like a 'dumb blonde'. Guys tend to then act more superior. Puff out their chest and sound more confident. They talk as if they know it all...but in fact, they don't. I sometimes have to bite my lips so hard to keep from correcting him or bursting out in laughter.
*Maybe I should try that more often huh?*

It helps sometimes, writing down how you feel. Anger, pain, frustration...all those tend to tumble out onto the paper and then you get the satisfaction of crumpling it into a ball and hurling it into a dustbin. Better yet, tear it into little shreds and watch it scatter in the wind.

There was once, a teacher asked us, if we were to choose to be blind, to be mute and to be deaf, which would you pick. I picked to be mute. Because, I still want to see the wonder of life. To see the honesty in one's eye or to look into the eyes of the guy I like. I don't want to be deaf, because I want to hear my lover's voice and of course, I can never live life without music. But I can deal without a voice. * I think at least alot of people around me can finally get some peace and quiet if I lost my voice *

Like what they say, 'the pen is mightier than the sword'. I truly believe in that. I remember how sometimes I would feel utterly sad and have nobody to talk to or can't tell anyone, I type it all down. Right here, in my blog...and just before I hit the publish button, I delete the entire thing.

It's my therapy. I feel tons better seeing the words dissapear. It's like watching my problems and feelings dissapear along with it.

I wished some of the feelings that's boiling in me is as easy as that. Unfortunately, it isn't. Especially the strongest feeling of all.

I've been also asked, how on earth could I write such a sad love story. How can I protray the pain so real and that my characters feel real. Easy...whenever I write, I imagine my characters as real beings. Someone with real feelings. I put myself in their shoes. How do they feel, what will they feel, why do they feel that way.

Reading my fiction, I guess some readers must've been really surprised to find me a skeptic of love. From my writings, I'm probably seen as someone who's a hopless romantic, waiting for the perfect guy and then goes of to have a perfect life. Oh boy....I guess I've managed to fool everyone huh?

Honestly, I wished that there are times I was brave enough to put the written words into my spoken words. But as I said before, sometimes, words don't come easy and some stuff will always be left unspoken.

Hardly anyone out there really understands me. Heck, I don't understand myself at times. It's true that when it comes to certain things, I don't know what I want. But I do know one thing for sure is that.........unspoken words can be a burden sometimes.