<<+--Love~Life & Ramblings--+>>

Another mindless rambling

2010-07-28T15:18:00.002+08:00

I am still not going to make any sense. My mind is scattered all over the place.

I'm thinking of Waffle World's pasta. It's ironic that their waffles are mediocre and the pasta rocks ass!

I'm thinking of the minions from Despicable Me and how in Islam they say that the end of the world will be because of the Devil with One Eye...and one of the minion has only an eye.

I'm thinking how on earth did I fall in love with a little brown furball. Was it the innocent face or was it the fact he can do 'Bang! Bang!'

I'm thinking how nice to have a disgusting amount of money but still be a generous and kind person.

I'm growing horizontally these days. Being Fat is a fashion faux pas.

I'm thinking how lucky I am to be in love and married to Benjamin Chew.

I'm thinking about all the social norms and am getting really bored.

I'm thinking about all those crazy and weird relatives who calls you randomly and you start thinking to yourself..."What do they really want?"

I'm missing Bailey...I need to go home...

This is a canvas where I paint my thoughts on...so let me be..

Long overdue post

2010-07-26T11:00:00.003+08:00

I've not been writing in my blog for ages. No excuses for this...it's just me being plain lazy.
Work will always be busy. Life is all about existing.

It gets depressing sometimes. But then the little things in life puts that smile back on your face.
Bailey sitting in front of me, looking at me with his head cocked to one side. That made me smile.
Hubby coming home after a long day at work and giving me a peck on my cheek. Another smile.
Friend SMS-ing me stupid silly msges. Another smile.

Looking back one year ago, things have changed massively. This time last year, I was busy planning for my upcoming nuptials. Getting married to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

This time last year, we all don't expect the things that is going to happen is happening. People you've come to love and call close friends, leaving the company. It's really sad because things won't be the same again.

I hate changes. I bask in the joy of normality.

I know we have to all say goodbye eventually. But I still hate it. Hate it tahap maximum.

I'm talking gibberish today. Give me a break. It's Monday and Monday generally sucks big time (unless its a holiday).

Church yesterday was good. Pastor talked about the book of Habakkuk. It's true how we whine and complain and sometimes even TELL God what to do. We just have to remember that everything happens for a reason and HE has a bigger plan for all of us.

There are times when we feel we're all alone. The truth is, we're never alone. God is there with us...just remember that and you'll never be alone again.

That's all for the nonsensical post today. Let me go gather my thoughts and come back with a post that makes better sense.

Kthxbye.

Looking back...

2010-03-18T16:53:00.000+08:00

I never thought it would be me on the operating theater. You always hear it happening to someone else. You cringe as they tell you their stories and somehow, you secretly thank God that it wasn't you or hope it will never happen to you.

Big or small surgery...I never met anyone who liked going to the hospital, getting pricked by the doctors to draw blood that is rightfully yours...even worst, to tell you that there's something wrong with your body.

As I lay in the hospital bed after the surgery, I couldn't help but think that I can only pray and hope that the only time I will be at the hospital is for something minor like this round.

Ben told me how he saw ppl running to the ICU and came out crying whislt I was in the operating theater. I can only pray that we won't be the one doing that.

You appreciate life more and never before had I wanted a baby as much as I do now.

We will try...but for now we can only pray that God have mercy on us and bless us with a child.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tong tong chiang!

2010-02-12T18:41:00.001+08:00

I'm back in Penang with hubby for CNY! It's a totally different experience from what I've been doing the past 26 years of my life.

In KL, CNY is relatively quiet. Peaceful...I remember one year I was so bored, me and a friend drove up to Ampang Hill just to take in the beauty of the night lights. That night reminded me why I loved KL so much. It felt so different from the usual hustle and bustle. It was quiet...the night breeze gently carressing our skin and the view was amazing.

Also, tradition wise, I'll be away from my mother whom I will accompany on her rounds the first day. I feel somewhat lonely without her.

Anyway, Penang is an entirely new experience! It's really hot here but the spirit of CNY hangs heavily in the air.

People rush around doing their last min marketing and those who return from the city (like Ben & I), are rushing around trying to eat everything they've been craving before the shops closes for CNY.

I kinda like it. I think I've already put on 2 kgs just from sniffing the air around me. Food is yummy...and I had my fix of DVDs shopping.

Till then, happy CNY everyone! Love the Chews...

Sunday bliss

2010-01-24T19:11:00.001+08:00

I've got a love hate relationship with Sunday. I love Sundays because i can laze around and not feel guilty for not doing anything. I hate Sundays because it's too short and Monday is too near.

I love Sunday because it's Bailey's day out.

Ever since we brought Bailey home, I will wake up at 8am to let him out of his cage, clean him, clean his cage and feed him. I will then start the washing machine, play with him a little and snuggle back into bed with Hubbie while Bailey plays with his rubber duckie.

We will wake up close to noon, laze a bit more then start leisurely cleaning the house. Lunch will be always out. depending on where we end up. Bailey will be ready to go out with us in his carrier.

We leave him at my parents place and go on our date. Once done, we head back to my parents place for a good home cooked dinner.

The Chew family then heads back home. Tired, contented and happy.

After feeding Bailey, hubby and I settle comfortably on the couch for a CSI marathon.

The next thing we know, it's bed time and I drag myself to bed. the warmth comfort of hubby's arm around me doesn't take the dreaded feeling that I will wake up to Monday.

Sigh...Sunday, please stay a little longer....

Bailey's first shave off!!!

2010-01-13T10:56:00.004+08:00

We took Bailey for his first shave off last Saturday. I guess we'll be doing it another 3-4 times to ensure that his coat grows thicker and fuller.

Ben and I felt that he was going to be cold and bought him an Arsenal Jersey. Boys being boys...Ben wanted something macho for him. sigh...
Bailey looks like a totally new and different dog all together! Anyway, we bought him a bed to sleep on too...

Actually, we brought him to Pets Wonderland at Ikano because there was a sale there. The salesgirl said to take him out to let him choose his own bed, so we took him out of his carrier.
Guess what? He decided to mark his territory on the BIGGEST bed he could find and of course we had to buy it!

Anyway, he's improving slightly on his potty training. He can sit and come on command. We're now trying to teach him to 'stay & paw'. Fingers crossed that will go well...

Day 17 with Bailey

2010-01-06T11:40:00.003+08:00

Bailey has been with us for the past 17 days. Not long, but he's already very much part of the family and have wiggled his little furry self into our hearts.

We're trying hard to train him to poo and pee at a certain spot. So far not very successful. *sigh* Looks like we've to work harder on that.

We bought him the puppy pads and took away the newspapers. But looks like we've to bring it back to basics and start putting newspapers in his playpen and then slowly remove them. *double sigh*

So today, hubby has placed the newspapers back and hopefully Bailey will recognize it.

We've been leaving him alone since Monday because both of us has to go back to work. 2 days in the row, Bailey has gone crazy the min I came home.

The first day, I realized although he peed and pooped in the puppy training pads, he missed a few times. The worst bit is when he saw me, he started getting all excited and jumping up and down in his poop!!!

Instinct told me to pick him up and wash him up quickly!

But on Tuesday, Hubby called and said to ignore him and only pick him up and let him out once he's quiet. I did just that. Pretended he wasn't around and went about showering and stuff.

What worries me is that we're living in a condo and people will start complaining if Bailey gets too loud. So I took a rolled up piece of newspaper and hit the floor a couple of times at the same time saying 'NO' loudly to stop him from barking and crying loudly.

It worked! Then I took him out and cleaned him and his play pen. But unfortunately, he still missed the area we wanted him to do his business.

We'll see how it goes today. I'm praying hard that our boy will understand where to poop and pee soon. I don't want to lock him inside his play pen the entire day we're out. I don't want a crazy dog...:(

Bringing home Bailey Chew

2009-12-23T00:12:00.000+08:00

Hubbie gave me one of the best christmas gift ever!

All we wanted to do was do a quick stop to buy cornflakes and milk. We ended up with a miniature poodle instead.

It wasn't like we planned or prepared ourselves to buy a dog. Especially after Cookie's passing Ben told me no more dogs and if we were to have a pet it will be no bigger than a size of a hamster. I took her passing away badly and till today i still miss her badly.

But Bailey has sneaked into the depths of my heart. He is not to replace Cookie because nobody can, but he's here to allow me to love another dog agaitn.

It feels different this time round. Bailey is OUR dog. We feel like a family. Ben is excited as this is his first dog too! He's being macho bout it but it's obvious he's crazy over the little terror.

I'm going to keep it short this time. Please welcome our newest addition to the Chew family, Bailey!

I love Sunday!

2009-12-20T12:06:00.000+08:00

I love waking up at noon. This means I've had a great night of rest.

Time to wake up, do some laundry and decide what to have for lunch.

McDonalds sounds yummy for now. so sick and tired or rice and noodles.

OKay, this was a test to see if the app was working. from now on more post from me!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Okay Food, Great Friends...

2009-05-25T12:38:00.003+08:00

I've been looking forward for the Saturday gathering for the past 2 weeks. Was nervous about cooking for friends so I decided to get some tips from mom.

The pasta turned out okay. But the spaghetti was a little hard. Oh well...as long as the guests didn't complain and enjoyed themselves, I'm all happy!

Ben was asleep the whole afternoon, so I decided to cook and clean the place by myself. He woke up and made some bruchettas as starters.

Ie-Tsen arrived first and we waited for Oscar, Calvin and Su Ann to arrive. Soon, we were all digging in.

Oscar & Calvin brought really yummy tarts. Even after the real hearty meal, we all managed to gobble down a few.

Taboo was extremely fun! Loads of laughter and of course...the winning team = Oscar & Ame!

Su Ann had to leave early for a birthday do, so we all decided to play the PS2. Watching both Ie Tsen and Oscar play Guitar Hero was very amusing!

I must say, they are very quick learners and they did amazingly. They soon got bored of it and started playing Cartoon Network's racing derby.

That was a huge load of fun!!! Then we continued with some fighting games Naruto,OnePiece and Dragonball. It was really hilarious...seeing them whack each other.

Ben and I decided to invest in a Ninetendo Wii. No regrets on that buy! We spend Sunday Night just playing it. We laughed and did stupid movements. Just glad nobody was there to see us.

They'll think we're a pair of nutcase!

Anyway, can't wait for the next gathering. It'll be fun to watch my friends attempt boxing on the Wii....:P

2009-05-05T13:44:00.002+08:00

I'm going to miss Bangkok...:(

Day 4:-

We woke up to a gloomy day. Like how I was feeling. I didn't want the trip to end...I wanted it to go on longer. But I know, all good things ends eventually.

I dragged myself out of bed reluctantly and hubby woke up too. Since it was still early, he decided to do some last minute shopping.

What better place to go that to....Platinum Mall! We quickly took the BTS to Chidlom and decided to walk to Platinum since it was a really nice morning.

I didn't like the idea of sweating but went anyway. I wanted the last day to be a happy one.

We arrived just as all the shops was opening. Hubby bought some earrings for his mom and since we were the first customer, the guy gave him about 45% discount!

I bought my mom bangles and jewelry set. I also bought this two table dolls to hang my accessories.

Since we had money left, I told Hubby that I'll buy him 4 t-shirts because he's been such a doll.
Like a happy kitten, he went to find the shop. He chose his 4 t-shirts quickly and we scooted out of Platinum.

We went to Robinson next and headed to Boots to get some final stuff. He bought is FCUK after shaves and I bought my mom's medicinal oil which was good for tummy apparently.

I bought my final bras because it was SO CHEAP!

We of course had to have McDonalds before leaving BKK. Pork Burger never tasted so good.

I bought some Thai snacks to share and quickly walked back to the hotel to pack.

As our driver drove to the airport...I couldn't help feeling sad. I didn't want to leave Thailand. I really didn't....

Hubby did his best to cheer me up as we checked in.

But guess what? Our bags were overweight and we had to pay an extra RM15!!! But we paid anyway and headed to the waiting hall.

Hubby bought his liquor and I bought my Absolut Ruby. It was so cheap compared to KL!

On the plane, I whispered goodbye to Thailand...but I'll be back!!! I know I will...

We arrived at LCCT at about 6:45 pm and as we approached the customs, we contemplated buying another bottle. But we decided against it in case we got caught.

Of course...I totally forgot Malaysians being Malaysians...we're pro at skivving...

There was absolutely...NOBODY at the customs!!!! Arghh...we could've bought 10 bottles and got away with it!

Anyway, it was overall a wonderful trip. Birthday in Thailand was awsome...and I'll be aching to go back soon.

2009-05-05T13:07:00.003+08:00

I love BKK!!!

Day 3:-

We decided to take leisurely since we didn't have any plans.

I wanted to get more stuff so we decided to head back to Platinum. This time, I told hubby that we're going to take a cab straight from our hotel!!!

Since it was a Sunday and there was no jam, he agreed. We spent a few hours there and I bought my mom scarfs, a top, shorts and my Birkens.

Hubby bought his tie. I noticed him looking a little down and asked him why. He was still dreaming bout the pair of shoes he saw at MBK yesterday and contemplating if he should buy it.

Told him that it was cheaper than KL and if he doesn't buy it, he'll definitely regret.

Since the weather was good, we decided to take the cab to MBK. Hubby shopped for the perfect shoes and finally decided to go back to the first shop. He finally decided to buy it!

We then decided to head over to Siam Center/ Paragon.

Since it was my BIRTHDAY, hubby said I can do whatever I want!

I wanted to go back to The Loft. I remembered enjoying myself there the last trip. We walked to Siam Central and when I was shopping at The Loft, there was a black out!

In KL, that'll be great opportunity for ppl to actually flick stuff. But the Thai's was so organized. Stood in their places and not take anything. I noticed that because I continued walking around!

We decided to cross the street because Hubby wanted to go back to this Thai Restaurant we found during our last trip there. He really loved the food there.

He was so happy to find the place but it was too early for dinner. So we decided to find a massage parlor.

It was the best massage ever....that I actually fell asleep next to hubby.

Once done, it was time for dinner and we went to the restaurant. Hubby ate so much!

We went back to Siam Paragon because we wanted Swensens. So yummy...chocolate macadamia....oh gosh...droollll...

Hubby wanted to rush back because it was close to 10pm and the shops was clossing. He bought me cupcake and we went home.

Publish Post

Back at the hotel, we started to pack our stuff. The almost empty briefcase was FULL!!! We didn't realize the amount of stuff we bought.

After that, Hubby sang me a birthday song. But because we were so stuffed, we decided to attack the cupcake tomorrow.

We fell asleep not long after. I was a little sad...that it was good bye to Thailand tomorrow....but most of all...sad that I'm no longer 25.

2009-05-05T12:49:00.003+08:00

I love Bangkok!

Day 2:-

We woke up early coz we had breakfast delivered to us. Yummiest porridge ever! But because it was too early in the morning, I couldn't eat much.

We then showered and got ready for Chatuchak. It was once again...super hot!

We took the BTS again all the way to Mo Chit and walked a good 3 mins to the market. We tried looking for a map but couldn't find one.

So we decided to leave it up to fate. It was really super duper hot. Like an oven! I was getting grumpy. So was hubby.

I only managed to get a couple of pillow case for my mom, 2 dresses for myself. Hubby bought fake flowers for the house.

We thought to ourselves. Heck it...we'll leave. It's getting to hot, stuffy and crowded in here. Our legs were aching and our tempers were pretty short.

It wasn't worth for us to blow up at one another. We decided there and then we'll leave. Hand in hand, we walked back to the BTS station.

We decided to go back to the hotel to wash up coz we were too sticky.

After that, we headed to Central Chidlom. I was in Hello Kitty heaven!!! I almost went crazy there. Because the next day was my birthday, I gave myself a treat. Hello Kitty here I come!

Hubby wanted to get some long sleeved shirts for the Wedding and Central was having a sale. He managed to snag 2 really nice shirts.

Since it was early, he suggested going back to MBK to look for shoes. Our legs couldn't take it, so we went for a foot massage.

Alot of locals talked to hubby as if he was a local. So I asked the dude massaging his leg if he looked like a Thai.

The guy said that hubby looked like Thai Superstar. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

He said I looked Japanese...but I seriously think that's because I'm fair. I get those comments all the time!

After MBK, we headed back to Asoke where our Hotel is. Since Robinson was just next door, we decided to have dinner at...McDonalds!!!

The pork burger...SO YUMMY!!!!

We walked around for abit and Hubby wanted the Phad Thai from the road stall. So he tapau-ed back to the hotel.

We decided to have an early night and got into bed at 10am. Watched a little TV and fell asleep. We were smashed....

2009-05-05T12:33:00.005+08:00

Long Overdue Post: Bangkok 2009

Have I told you how much I love Bangkok? I LOVE BANGKOK!!! The people...the food...THE SHOPPING!!!

Day 1:-
We arrived in the kingdom at approximately 10am local time. We checked into the hotel and immediately went out.

First destination. Platinum Mall.

Hubby was hungry and wanted to have some roadside food. But the weather was scorching hot!!! So we decided to eat at the Mall's foodcourt instead.

We walked to the BTS station and took the train to Chidlom. The guy told us that it was a 10 min walk to the Mall and we thought...hmm...sounds near. But the weather was too hot and I was getting grumpy. We decided to take the cab.

Hubby made us walk about 5 mins before actually hailing a cab. It cost us about 350 baht. The silliest thing was, because it was so jam, the cab driver suggested for us to walk! We got down and walked for a good 5 Mins under the hot sun!!!

By the time we reached Platinum, I could only thank God for the invention of aircond.

We headed up to the foodcourt and filled our tummies. Yummy food I must say. Tempted to try all the dessert but I couldn't fit in much more.

Then it was SHOPPING TIME!!!

Hubby bought 7 t-shirts during that visit. It was so cheap it was unbelivable. The quality was decent but the price was just....crazy cheap. 140 baht for one? Where to get in KL!

Me on the other hand, went crazy with the dresses. I bought 3 dresses and a top. We then decided to head to MBK.

We took a cab coz I was adamant that I wasn't going to WALK to the BTS station! Drag and carry me if needed. I'm not moving!

We reached MBK and decided to rest our feet. So we headed straight to Swensens. Yummy heavenly ICE CREAM! Cheap ice cream...half the price of what we get here in KL!

We carried on walking...and got some t-shirts for my colleagues as souveniors. Bought myself a pair of sunglasses coz I left my behind. I knew I needed one for our trip to Chatuchak the next day.

After MBK, we went back to the hotel to rest. After an hour, we headed to a nearby beef noodle stall and ate.

Went for a short walk and went back and crashed at about 11pm BKK time.

2009-04-22T17:01:00.002+08:00

I'm just waiting for 5:30pm and I'm going to pack up my box of tissue and go home!

If anything, my nose is seriously resembling Jackie Chan's famous nose. It's twice the normal size! OUch..

I think I've gone through about 2 boxes of tissues and my nose is super sore now. I've been sneezing so hard my throat hurts.

This SUCKS...big time.

I hate dust. Dust can go eat themselves for all I care. Dust should be banned...eliminated...

Okay. Enough bout the sinus and swollen nose. Let's move on to something more interesting!

Come Friday...I'm off to beautiful BANGKOK!!! Wooo Hooo...From my previous post, you've probably guessed that I've a 'thing' for Thailand.

The food...the shopping...it's all calling my name!!! Hubby have to put me on a leash and pull me back or I'll go wild and crazy at the malls...at the market....oh man...I so can't wait!

Will definitely blog and put pictures up when we get back!

Oops...4 more mins to pack up!

2009-04-13T17:31:00.003+08:00

Bangkok...sigh...

I've been looking forward to my Bangkok trip which I've booked 6 months back! I dream about eating all the delicious food and drink the authentic Tom Yam. I want to shop at Chatuchak and Platinum mall. Go broke but come home happy...

I've been counting down the days with anticipation. Only 10 more freaking days!!! 10...till I firmly plant my ass in the land of a smiles.

But no....now I'm not too sure if I'll ever get to board the plane! Reading the newspapers made my heart shatter into a million pieces.

I'm not a big fan of politics. In fact, I stay as far away as possible if I can. I just want peace and harmony.

The so-called protest happening in Bangkok is making me worried. Will it turn into a full blown riot? Malaysian Embassy in Thailand is advising those who are going to Bangkok to postpone their trip. Is it really not safe?

Deep down I want to believe that it's 100% safe and I can go there without any worry. I want to walk the streets of Bangkok and not worry about a protest going on nearby or even if I'm going to somehow be stranded there or worst...get hurt.

I've been trying to ask people who just came back from the Songkran festival trip if its safe. I'm trying to get hold of my Thai friends to see if its safe to go and all those things I'm reading is just the media blowing it out of proportion.

I really missed the safe and peaceful Bangkok. I pray and hope that in within the next few days, the situation will be better and safer for tourists.

Me and Hubby...really miss you BKK...be safe...sob sob...

Making a comeback as Mrs.Chew

2009-04-10T16:51:00.003+08:00

My last post was in 2007?!?! Gosh..that's a long writer's block.

Oh well...all that matters is I'm back again to write. Hubby has been giving me some inspirations lately. He knew how I used to love to write and thought that with all that's going on, it's time for me to have an outlet for my verbal diarrhea.

Wedding plans are going good so far. No dramas...yet.
Only thing giving me a headache is the invitation list and the seating arrangements.
I wonder why my panic attacks haven't set in yet. Is it because the wedding's in another 3 months?

I know Hubby is trying his hardest to give me the wedding of my dreams and I honestly appreciate that. It may not be a huge or grand wedding...but its ours and that's all it matters.

One thing that's getting me totally excited about is the pre-wedding pictures! I can't wait to meet up with Ie Tsen and get our shots done.

Unfortunately, weekends are pretty packed till May.

You found me...(part 2)

2006-08-22T13:38:00.000+08:00

You found me...(part 2)

Somewhere along the way...I started to lose myself. I became scared because I couldn't bring myself to develop feelings for any guys I went out with. I even thought to myself "Is there something wrong with me? Have I forgotten how to love someone? Will I ever even feel that ever agian?"

I honestly begin to believe that I was going to turn heartless and cold. Feeling nothing but numbness.

I kept on telling myself that I'm happy with where I am right now. I've great friends supporting me and I didn't need anyone. Even more a guy.

I mean...who needs to be in a relationship only to get hurt? It's like asking for it isn't it? Asking to get hurt. To feel all those negative feelings such as jealousy and insecurities.

Why choose to go down that particular road when you can choose the easy way out?

But...when you came into my life...I started to feel differently. Of course I was scared and without a doubt I still am.

I think its more because I started to doubt my concept about 'relationships' and 'love' after believing in it for such a long time.

Then you started to ask me out and we spent almost every weekend together. I enjoyed your company because you made me comfortable with you. I could talk to you and I knew you wouldn't judge me.

The more we went out, the more I wanted to be with you.

I began to miss you when I don't see you and you invaded my mind almost 24/7. Like a sneaky little thief...you begin to sneak into my heart and eventually stole it.

As I've always told you. You're different from the other guys. But in a good way.

Maybe that's why you scare me so much. Because I feel like this is a dream...and what if I wake up and have to face reality that you're not here with me.

I guess...I've alot of issues to sort out...especially if I'm begining to believe agian.

You told me that you don't expect me to trust you just yet and that you'll gain it. But you need me to try to believe in you.

I can't promise you that it's going to be easy. I can't promise you that I will even succeed in doing so. But I will promise you that I will try.

-end of part2...part 3 coming up-

I found you...(part 1)

2006-08-22T07:42:00.000+08:00

I found you...(Part 1)

I don't know when I created this wall around my heart. Managing to block many people out. Protecting myself from getting hurt. Becoming very skeptical about guys and relationship.

I used to only believe that falling for someone and being in relationships is all about getting hurt. After all...my relationship mantra is "Nothing lasts forever".

I believed that marriages will eventually end in divorces. Men will always somehow cheat on woman or vice versa. They will love each other in the begining but only end up totally hating each other guts the next.
I stopped believing in happy endings.

But...all that is begining to change. Little by little, I've started to let the wall crumble in a pile of rocks around me. I started to believe agian.
It's amazing how things started. How we met. Let's look at it this way. Even though I hated working in my first agency, if I never accepted that job offer, I wouldn't have met you.

I wasn't even supposed to be working on the Tourism Account! I got dragged into the meeting at the very last minute. My Account Director said to me "Come, sit in for the meeting with Carat".

I got introduced to you...then blanked out. Sorry to say...but the meeting was really boring!!!

The second time I saw you, I thought to myself..."Who on earth is this guy? What's he doing here? Why is he delivering all these magazines!!!!"
Then you told me you were the 'delivery boy' for Carat and I kind off recalled who you were.

How long did it take me to remember your name? I guess I only remembered when I was cc-ed in all the emails and saw your name in the list.

Well...we never did get to work together did we? I left after a few weeks of our meeting. I did the usual and send out a mass email to everyone whom I worked with to tell them to follow up with the respective people.
You were the only one who replied. I was totally surprised when you asked for my msn add.

I guess that's when our 'friendship' actually begun. We started talking and I really did enjoyed our conversations.

Then we sort off stopped talking. You claim that's because I was busy at Grey. HmPh...okay...I've to admit it was half true. But I always belive in fate and timing.

At that time I guess both of us were going through some 'turbulence' in our lives. I had alot of things I needed to sort out and you had yours.
I've to hand it to you though, you have perfect timing. The first time you asked me out, was when I managed to make a decision on something and clear up some mess.

Without a doubt, I enjoyed our first date. I honestly thought it was going to be awkward. But hey....surprise surprise...I was absolutely comfortable with you.

I never expected you and I will become an 'us'. But you know what? I'm glad that out of all the many guys in the world...I manage to find you....

-end of part 1...part 2 coming up soon!-

A long long time ago...

2006-07-16T09:04:00.000+08:00

*Blows cobwebs off her blog*

Goodness me...its been such a long time hasn't it? Hisashiburi ne...I'll be honest...I've been pretty lazy lately to update my blog. Also of course...work...life...work...work...and more work has been one of the major factor playing in my lack of "updates".

Life is pretty much good. The summary of it all...work has been extremely busy. Imagine, I was just ranting and raving about starting my new life in Grey and here I am...my butt stuck to their chair for about 5 months +. Gosh....time sure does fly pretty quick?

Loads of stuff has been happening. Work I mean....but that's boring stuff and nobody wants to hear boring stuff right?

Urm....what else....oh yeah...I started my Japanese Classes agian...whoo hoo!!!! Hopefully this time...I can be slightly more fluent in my speech. Gamabrimasu yo!!!

Friends and family...they're good...I've made new friends...met weird people...stumbled across psychos....stalkers and also wannabes in the course of a few months.

Finally....I found someone...I think I can be really fond off...

Yup...you've guessed it...I've finally found him...

Will update you...when things goes well...*fingers crossed*

2006-04-25T16:57:00.000+08:00

22 going on 23...

Time sure does fly doesn't it? I'm getting old...yes...very old...*avoids glares and punches from peeps at office..esp when I'm the youngest of the bunch*

I feel...urm...hmm...scared.

Why scared? I don't know...when I was 21, it was alright. Knowing that hey...you have many more years ahead of you.

22...was a turning point in life for me. Graduating...stepping into the society...starting a new job...starting a new life.

23...I've no idea what to expect. Everyone kinda wants me to get a boyfriend. I'm feeling the pressure....

I used to laugh when my aunts and uncle gives my unmarried cousin shit for not bringing back their girlfriends or boyfriends. Now...I'm feeling the pinch. *OuCh*

Not that I don't want a boyfriend. I mean...there's just isn't a guy out there that interest me at the moment. Sure there are guys who like....are potential...but after knowing them in depth...*sigh*

Imagine this....you go buy yourself an expensive Prada dress....its gorgeous...its expensive....its the ultimate dress. But after wearing it once...you noticed that the dress itches...the stitching is a little off and...well...its not really your type. The more you look at it...the uglier it gets. Then you regret spending your entire life savings on that stupid dress and wished you've gone with the Gucci Dress instead.

Now...I don't want to regret. And I know I can't compare a guy to a dress. But it's true!!!

The thing is....I did find someone. He's gorgeous. Got the green light from my best friend, my party girl friend and even my mom. The thing is...the more I talk to him....the more shallow I find him. There isn't any intelligence in that guy!!!

The worst thing is...he's trying to hard to impress me. Trying to sound smart but end up sounding really silly instead. I'm not saying that I'm smart or anything...or super intelligent. But seriously...maybe he's just too young.

But...he's older than me!!!! Hell...proves that guys do mature later than girls...HAHAHA...just kidding!

Okie okie....now now....I'm 23....not 32....so I better not complain so much. Let fate do what it has to do.

Main concentration at the moment...WORK WORK WORK....how to handle guys when WORK is all I dream about?!?!?

DAMN.....

2006-04-06T06:26:00.000+08:00

Great...I fell sick on Tuesday.

Woke up with the sniffles and me being the 'Hero' I am, decided that I'll be alright and went to work.

The minute I reached the office, Amos took one look at me and asked if I was alright. HmmMm...did I really look that bad?

One hour passed, I was sneezing my nose out, my head felt like it ws being twirled like a basketball, my body felt numb and as Michael put it, I talked as if I was on drugs.

Went to see our panel doctor and the nurses took one look at me and went. "Poor thing! You shouldn't be working today."

Geeze...thanks....I know...

Doctor gave me a MC and sent me straight home.

The minute I reached home, I dropped on my bed and slept through the whole afternoon. Woke up for dinner, and slept agian till the next morning.

I still felt feverish the next day. But at least the flu was gone.

I really hate having the flu. It makes my nose swell and later, peel.

OKAY.

Enough about my blardy flu and get on about more interesting stuff.

........
....
..

Right....urm...I guess my life is just plain boring.

I'll update you on something the next round. It's 6 30 in the morning and my brains are still fuzzy.

2006-03-27T21:06:00.000+08:00

I've become a pig.

But then agian...when was the last time I wasn't one anyway?

Sorry for the late updates. I've been busy. Yup...the 101th time I'm saying this as an excuse.

Truth be told, I'm not as busy as you think I am. I still have time to sleep, eat, talk on the phone, surf the net, meet up with my friends during the weekend.

How's work? That's one question I get every time I meet up with a friend. Well...work is good. It's stressfull, but it's interesting and it keeps me alive. I love my colleagues. I love my working environment. I'm trying my best to love my client which is so blardy difficult. But I'm trying.

I love the fact that even though I'm so blardy stressed with work, I make mistakes, but at the end of the day, everything is worth it.

I love the fact that in Grey, our creative and servicing team act as a family. We attack together.

I love the fact that when we have internal meetings, we have fun, we bitch and we laugh like there's no tomorrow.

I love the fact that everyone around me is nice and not as snooty or snobish as I thought.

I love the fact that I finally am learning something and found a place where I feel comfortable at.

Does that answer the question?

2006-03-03T06:39:00.000+08:00

It's weird that I was once so spoiled by the comfort of driving everywhere I go and now I've to take the LRT and Monorail to work.

In the begining, I hated that idea. I thought I couldn't stand the whole being squashed in the train with everyone else. But...it wasn't that bad.

Maybe because I've gotten used to the whole thing. Or maybe I'm lost in my own world. Listening to my iPod and reading. Really can't be bothered with my surroundings.

At least I don't have to spend so much money on my petrol because of the recent mad increase. I've calculated my cost per day if I had to drive down to work. It's almost half of more of what I'm spending now.

I honestly need to save. I've to put aside a sufficient amount for my new car that's coming in August. Will be so broke!!!

Somehow though, I feel like I'm a real adult now. Imagine me complaining about paying my monthly installment for my car, the credit card bills I have to pay.

Now I totally understand all my friends and family monthly sighs. Because now...I'm sighing with them.

Work is mad...compared to my last job. I'm feeling more pressured to perform. Maybe because this is an International Ad Agency and everyone is one of the best in their fields. You somehow find yourself automatically trying not to fall lower than their expectations.

Everything is just *snap snap snap* Need to be on top of things. No time to slack. What I used to do seemed so easy and simple. Now everything has to be details, in order and more complicated.

Of course to throw in the salt, our client is as anal as they can get. Blardy assholes who doesn't sign the CEs on time, get us to do the artwork but takes ages to approve it only to put it on hold for gwad knows how long and then rush us to do the FA.

No more complaining...it's Friday!!!Now I've to go off to work...

bISH bASh

2006-02-08T10:05:00.000+08:00

Lately...I've been feeling a little topsy turvy. (No...not PMS) Wonder why...

It's always the case. Especially when I'm on a long break with nothing to do. Maybe because I've to much free time on my hand and have nothing else to do except let my mind wander everywhere.

I guess I need to get myself occupied till I start work at Grey. This pretty much sucks. I'm kinda feeling a little dready about starting a new job in a new place and also in town.

Honestly...I'm kinda scared...what if they expect too much from me and I can't deliver? What if things really screw up?

Maybe its just me. But when something is bothering me...really bothering me...or when I'm worried about anything...I rather keep it to myself and try not to think about it except when I'm alone.

*HAPPY TOTS!!!*

The new Lotte's Plus X Commercial with Kat-Tun is pretty cute. I just wish I'm in Japan at the moment instead of being here. But me being in Japan is going to make me go really really broke.

Imagine me spending each and every cent I have attending concerts....events...buying stuff...

Johnny is going to be a very rich man I tell you...*not like he's not already!!!*

I want to go to Kat-Tun's concert!!! I want to attend Ryo's solo!!! Jin's solo!!! Orange Range concert!!! Asian Kung-Fu Generation concert!!!

*sob sob*

I'm being very whinny today...woke up on the wrong side of the bed I guess....or maybe I just need more sleep...*sigh*

2006-02-03T08:34:00.000+08:00

Since Valentine's is looming close, I would really like to talk about the one single and simple word..."LOVE".

Although I've always believed that Valentine's is overly exploited by the marketers and advertisers to sell their products at ridiculously high prices, a part of me also welcomes Valentines with open arms.

Yup, I've to admit. I'm a sap and a big romantic at heart. Come on...admit it...who doesn't like being pampered and showered with gifts of love ocassionally right?

But is love suppose to be celebrated by only 2 people in love with one another? We somehow forgot that there are other people in our lives that we should never forget during this day.

Couples tend to be so lost in their own world, they've locked others out and cease to exists.

I've come to realize that Valentine is not a day to be celebrated by lovers only. But its a day to celebrate LOVE itself.

Love is a four letter word, so simple yet so great.

Don't we love ourselves? Love our parents? Love our friends? Love our mentor? Love our teachers? Love our pets? ...and the list goes on.

But why do we forget them on Valentines? Why do we only buy cards, flowers, chocolates and gwad knows what other things for our boyfriend/girlfriend and not for other people that we love?

I think over time, we've become selfish with our love. If one would just realize that there is no seperation amongst everyone and that if you love yourself, you're supposed to love everyone including your enemy...somehow or another, the world would be less hateful.

I might be babbling nonsense. Blame it on the lack of sleep. But even after I wake up agian in 9 hours time...I know that on Valentines day...my friends and family...will be recieving a token of love from me.

2006-01-30T10:16:00.000+08:00

GONG XI FA CAI!!!

Remember what I said before? That this year is going to be a great year and that I can feel it in my guts? I take my words back....this is not going to be a great year...it's going to be an EXCELLENT year!

I woke up on the first day of Chinese New Year feeling really really positive. Well...we did the usual traditional thingy. Gathering back at my Tuakim's place with all my other uncles and aunties.

It was kinda great seeing all of them agian after a very long time. Better news is that Kok Keong, my cousin is getting married this year! After 3 years, we finally have another cousin tying the knot.

Of course everyone is really happy about it especially my uncles and aunties because he's the oldest grandson in the family. Also...you know how it is every year...the same old questions. "Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend ah? When getting married ah?"

I think this year is a very good year to get married because apparently most restaurants and hotels are booked! Good gracious me....

Well, without a doubt I got questioned about me having a boyfriend or not. But seeing that I'm still pretty much young....they let me off the hook and just asked abut my job. The older ones that's either 30 and above or nearing 30 got bugged endlessly. *giggles*

But today I woke up and couldn't help screaming out with joy after I did my usual stuff.

*takes a deep breathe*

KAT-TUN IS FINALLY DEBUTING!!!

Yup yup...I almost fell out of my chair when I read that. They're officially debuting on March 22nd with a debut single entitled "Real Force" with a total of 14 songs, A dvd of "Real Force" and another for "Best of Kat-Tun".

This is great! The boys really deserves this after working hard for so long. So very happy....But going to be so broke on March...*sob sob* but it's well worth it!

More Kat-Tun for us from now on....more PVs....a real CD...YAY!!!!!!!!!!! I so can't wait!!!

See....this is what I meant by this year being an EXCELLENT year....

2006-01-25T20:15:00.000+08:00

Isn't it amazing how after one miracle, happens another?

I'm not sure if I should be thanking my lucky stars for whatever has befallen upon me. I'm not even sure if its a good thing or a bad?

One thing for sure is that having that 'thing' happen made the pain a lot lesser. But then agian...pain is a too strong word. More like...dissapointment.

I guess I've learned a lesson and that is to never put hope on anything. The higher you put your hope, the harder you'll fall right? So I guess...I can't help but really be dissapointed at the entire situation.

But just when I thought that my entire day was ruin, another miracle happened. It's something very very unexpected, something that kept me smilling the whole entire day.

No...I didn't strike a lottery or anything like that. It's more like....an ego boost really.

So I guess what they all say is right. Behind every dark cloud lies a silver lining.

I don't know what tomorrow may bring. But I sure do know that with every negative feeling, a positive one will come along.

As I said before...I've a very strong inkling that this year....is going to be a great year for everyone....:)

2006-01-21T12:34:00.000+08:00

I had my company annual dinner yesterday.....

Gwad...I'm going to so miss everyone...*cries*

Of course we had fun at our table. Drinking wine, talking, laughing and poking fun at one another. There was once, when I was quietly eating and silently observing *yeah yeah...very rare for that to happen*.

I realized how much I've come to grow so comfortable with each and everyone of them. It's amazing how we can lean on one another, depend on one another and also call each other friends when people tend to tell me that in our industry, nobody is truly our friend.

But I'm proud to say that I can call these group of people my friends instead of my colleagues.

I'm so sorry to leave you guys....so sorry that I've only spent a short time with all of you. But it was a time where I will always hold close to my heart and never ever forget the great hospitality you've given to me.

You guys have given me advices and never stop me from chasing my dreams. Instead you've encouraged me and also bring out the best in me.

*Getting very emotional here*

Yesterday, when our MD started to give a speech, apologizing to us if he had hurt us with his words, encouraging us to work together not as a team only, but as a family, thanking us for our hardwork....I started to think....

Have I made the right choice?

As if reading my mind....I got an sms from a dear friend telling me that no matter which path I choose, where I go and what I do....they'll always be there for me.

Even our Senior Account Director told me that in life, we have to take challenges. Hell yeah we'll be scared to take the first step into a place we don't know, but that's something that will keep pushing us to be better, pushing us to achieve something.

Yes....I agree with her. Life is all aobut challenges. We can't just sit back and be comfortable where we are. It's just going to make us lazy and really really spoilt.

I don't know how Grey is going to be. How their culture is going to be. But whatever it is...I'm accepting its challenge. Good or bad....

2006-01-12T10:58:00.000+08:00

Somewhere down the road, I've forgotten how to spend quality time with one of the most important person in my life....myself.

I've been too busy doing everything but quiet down and do something for myself. I didn't realize that until last night when I was so dead tired, I even skipped gym, went home and flopped on my bed before falling asleep at 9:30pm.

Yes...9:30 PM!!!

When on earth did life become so hectic? I guess I really need to slow down, quiet myself a little and just try to enjoy the tranquality of life.

I know for a fact that the coming month is going to be even more HECTIC than the life I'm leading right now.

Yup...you've guessed it. I've decided to accept Grey Worldwide's offer. It is after all something I've been aiming for right after I graduated. My first step into the high flying career I wanted. To be in an Multi-International Agency.

Ah well...it'll be good in my CV too anyway...*grin*

You've to sacrifice something to gain something right? So I'm sacrificing my time and a whole load of other thing to have a strong foundation in my career. Right now...I hope its worth it. *fingers crossed*

So...before I start my new job, I'm going to take 2 weeks off to just pamper myself. Spa...facial....HERE I COME!!!

I honestly don't know where life will lead me too or where I'm going at the moment. It's true that I'm pretty lost and still confused in many things.

But I do know one thing. Whatever I do...whatever I strive for is to achieve one goal and one goal only. That is my ultimate dream to migrate to "the land of the raising sun."

However, like one very special once told me. Whatever it is...no matter what it is....everything you do...it has to make you HAPPY.

It is true...happiness is definitely very important. I didn't want to accept the offer because I'm really very comfortable in my current job. I love the people here....but...I've to let them go and move on to greener pastures.

2006-01-09T07:49:00.000+08:00

Oh My Gwad!!!

I haven't excatly been updating my blog have I? No more excuses of me being too busy...I'm just going to admit that I've been just too darn lazy.

Anyway, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!!! I have a strong feeling that this year, 2006 is going to be a way better year than the last for everyone.

Okay...where do I even start? Alot of things have been happening and it isn't the end of January yet. I mean...it's only been 9 days into the year 2006!!!!

Christmas was fun because I spent it with friends that I truly love. Oscar and Edison...house party...everyone getting high and tipsy....played Taboo....the whole thing....so I'm not going to go into details.

New Year's countdown was really really good. Went to Poppy's with Ting and his friends. Met people there...danced and just basically had a good time. Everyone and I mean...everyone was high and drunk. Thank goodness I only had a very very dilluted whiskey coke and nothing else but coke and water the entire night.

Of course New Year won't start with a bang if you don't witness gang fights. AHhaHAhh.....That was fun.....I thought I was actually watching a movie. A guy shouting suddenly and you think maybe they're playing when in actual fact he was chasing this other Malay dude.

There was this guy who was sitting by the curb when the Malay dude ran past and he calmly just stuck out his foot to trip the guy without even looking and just continued to play with his Handphone.

He didn't even bother to go look when they caught the Malay guy or when the police came to take the guy away. Toooo cool.....*brrr*

I decided on New Year's eve itself that I'll be satisfied and contented with my job and where I'm working at right now. I mean...everyone is so wonderfull even though I know for a fact that if i continued staying there, I wouldn't excatly grow in my career.

Yup...so I decided to just be comfy and stay on and be happy for another 6 months to get and learn some experience.

NooOoOooO....that's not the case you see. On the 3rd day of January, I recieved a phone call while driving too work.

I've been offered to work in Grey worldwide. A Multi International Company!!! Just what I always wanted!!! BUT.....when the offer came....I was abit confused....

I mean...there's so many aspects to look into. 1st, the distance. It's right smack in the city center while right now I've to drive only 5 mins to my work place.
2nd. I can't have my japanese classes 2 times a week and instead only once on Saturday. ArRrGhHhH!!!!

When I went for the interview, apparently I came 'Highly recommended' and Leon, (Oscar's Group Account Director for the Shell Team) was the one who gave my name. Surprise Surprise!

I'm actually getting a pay that's very high right now. A pay that usually only Senior Account Executive gets with 1 year experience. Obviously when you go to MIC's, it's impossible to get that kinda pay right?

I told the person who interviewed me and she was like....i don't think we can afford to pay you more. I said...fine, then maybe the same amount but better renumerations.

She said she'll contact me next week. But when I came home not more than 4 hours later, I recieved a phone call saying I've got the job and a higher pay rate.

WoOOoOoAhHhhH!!!! Now...I don't know if I should accept the job or not. They're even sending the appointment letter to me today by hand all the way from KL!!!

Decisions, decisions and also....................headache.

2005-12-16T15:15:00.000+08:00

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

Are we blinded by beauty? Is beauty everything? Must a guy be good looking and a girl be pretty to be loved?

Humans have become shallow throughout the years. Maybe it's how we are molded by the society to learn how to only accept beautiful things.

We've become superficial as time passes. Why ride a rundown 10 year old car when you can sit in a shiny new BMW or Porche? Why wear a no brand watch instead of a shiny new Frank Muller? Why carry a $10 handbag when you can be sporting a new LV or Prada one?

See what I mean?

Now...why would we go out with a short, fat, ugly guy who has no future instead of a tall, handsome, successful one?

Hmmm....sense of security? Or is it because MONEY is as important as Oxygen to us?

How about the fact that a prettier and sexier young girl gets a job easier than a chubbier and less good looking one?

But then agian...I guess I've to admit I'm another one of society's victim. I go to the gym is not only for health reason, but to look good. I want to have a good paying career because I want to buy things that are beautiful.

However...I guess...when it comes to having a boyfriend, it'll be more like....feelings. Chemistry....I've learned that looks ain't all that great. Sooner or later looks can't exactly save a boring and dull relationship. Imagine dating a model with no brains.....

I've to admit...I am shallow and materialistic at times...(okay...more than a few times) and there's no excuse for it. But seriously....is this how our future generations are going to grow up to be? Or is it just going to get worst?

I'm in advertising and we know how important Branding is....we're being injected with things like. "Before we brand something, we need to brand ourselves first. If we carry ourselves right...then people can have more faith in us."

Is that true? If we dress proper, speak proper and look decent...we gain more confidence?

That's pretty sad....

2005-11-10T10:42:00.000+08:00

Half the office is down with the cough and flu bug and even though you think your immune system is strong enough to fight off those pesky bugs, you eventually get beaten by it and fall sick too.

Yup...this is my situation right now. My "neighbour" Lina has been down with flu way before Hari Raya and she still is. Apparently the whole Tourism Malaysia team is down with the flu bug. Me being right in the middle of the line of fire has now succumbed to the bug.

I woke up with a stuffy nose and a heavy head. Thinking it's probably my usual morning sinus which I get from sleeping in an aircond room for the entire night, I ignored it and came to work. Alas! The minute I reached my office, my eyes started watering, my throat itched and I couldn't stop sneezing!!!

I hate having flu..when I get hit with the dreaded flu bug, I get hit hard. I had to even go down and buy myself an entire box of tissue and it's not even lunch time and I'm almost half way through it.

Everyone has been asking me to go home and take a rest but I can't coz I've to follow up with a few rushed artwork and ads that is like due...YESTERDAY!

Anyway, if Lina having fever and all can manage to work till 12 am, so can I right? But tonight I'm gonna have my usual Japanese Class and that is something I definitely can't miss. Not because I can't but because I don't want to. I enjoy it too much.

My poor nose...its sore and red now...*sob sob* I can foresee that by tomorrow it'll start peeling. *Vitamin E oil here I come!*

Moving on...Update bout life in total.

Nothing but the usual....except I'm still trying to recover from the long holiday (4 days of no work man!). Been trying to catch up with my buddies....get my social life back in order....ehehe....

You know these days after work, all you want to do is just go home and fall flat on the bed and probably relax...watch your dorama's....anime's...read magazines...books....Yup! In other words, all you want to do is just laze. But I'm making it a point everyday to drag my lazy ass to gym every other day that I don't have Japanese class. Even on Saturdays! (Gym Freak eh?!) Of course Sunday's is for me to be a total pig!!!!

Okay....now back to work....toodles!!!

2005-10-26T10:01:00.000+08:00

Great...just great....I woke up with a crick in my neck...and it hurts if I try to turn it to the right. *oUcH*. I guess I need to re-stuff my feather down pillow...it's getting a little flat.

It's been raining everyday. The worst part is, it's hot in the afternoons and it rains cats and dogs at night. So waking up every morning is like freezing cold. But its nice...I love cold weather compared to warm or hot ones.

I like it when it rains....especially when I'm under my covers so cozily snuggled up. The smell of rain also kinda makes you go into this very calm and serene mood. Love it love it...I'll love it better if it snows!!!!

Too bad Malaysia has only 2 seasons all year round. The dry and wet season. So not fun. I want to build snowman...I want to go skiing...I want to go snowboard...I want to make snow angels...I want....I want I want!!!

Nothing much has been happening since I last blogged. Gonna keep this short and get back to work. *Damn it....I'm feeling sleepy today...*

2005-10-22T18:07:00.000+08:00

YikeS! It's been almost 2 weeks since I last updated. Gomenasai minnasan. I've been really really busy lately.

So...what's new in my life? Other than a new job....everything pretty much stays the same.

Love my new working environment. Love the peeps there as well. What Alvin, our operational director told me before I joined the company was true. We're like a family. Now waking up in the morning and going to work isn't a drag for me. It's more like....great! I'm going to work today!

Every morning, we will all gather at the pantry for breakfast, just chit chatting and joking...trust me. We are one hell of a noisy bunch. Especially Louie and Jeremy. But they crack me up. Everyone is really nice.

After breakfast, everyone goes back to work. So its busy busy busy time for us....until lunch hour. At excatly 1 you can smell a delicious aroma wafting through the air. Yup....Chan's home brought lunch pack being placed in the microwave. ehehhe....So everyone will gather at the pantry agian...chit chat...eat eat...then go downstairs for a drink.

We'll come back at 2 and start work agian....busy busy busy...then at about 4, its tea time!!! So coffee session....*unfortunately...i don't drink coffee...so I have tea*

Btw, we only chit chat when we are not that busy. When we have deadlines to rush and difficult clients to handle, we rarely have time to even pee. So...we really appreciate the free time we have to spend with one another.

I was supposed to go to Cameron Highlands with them on Friday since its a Public Holiday. But unfortunately I can't make it due to some stuff I needed to handle. *sob sob*

I guess you can say I'm pretty happy with where I am at the moment. It's an interesting place to work at coz we've got really big clients. For instance, Tourism Malaysia...we are handling the Japan and Korea division. Coz I can now read Hiragana and Katakana...I'm helping up in that account.

By right I'm in the Fujitsu division. But we've clients such as ING, Best Denki (yup yup another Japanese company and apparently the MD is damn young and good looking...ehhehe), the company that handles MNG, Shiro, ING, Papermate, TCRS and quite a number more.

Dang...I just realized I've been going on and on about my job. Guess I've become one of those ppl who only talk about their work and nothing else.DAME YO!!!

Other than work...I still manage to find time to head to the gym....I also am sitting for my Japanese exam soon...so more studying for me!!!!

Update about the weird stalker from gym. Oscar was with me the other day and we were having a drink before heading for a shower. That Larry guy showed up and to cut a long story short...Oscar was my bf for the day...ahhaah...

So no more weird SMS....YAY! Well...weekends I don't really go out anymore. Want to spend quality time with family coz on the weekdays, they hardly see me. I'm out of the house by 8 30 am and only back at about 11 pm. So....Saturdays is spend shopping with my mom till afternoon, we have a family dinner and then I go out at night with my friends. Sunday...wake up late...coz its a day to Laze and get ur stuff done. Lunch will be cooked by dad....Afternoon just spend chit chatting with mom...and evenings will be out with my friends.

Trying to juggle my time so that I don't neglect anyone.

Anyway, I was talking to Liy the other day and both of us realize how much we miss one another. I miss our bitching sessions...or blur crap....and she made me realize how much she understood me....weeell...looking forward in meeting up with her soon to have our chocolate fondue...YUMMY!!!

So...till next time.......Ja Ne!

2005-10-08T10:37:00.000+08:00

*JuMpIng ArOUnD LiStENinG to Ellegarden*

This band is massive...rock on Ellegarden!!!

Okay, let's get down to business. My prediction for October? It's going to be pretty hectic. Work starts on Monday. I know I'm really lucky to land myself in this company with such a good pay and great remunerations. Shouldn't be asking for more since I'm a fresh grad with no experience right?

Yup...people have been slapping me left and right and calling me a lucky b*tch because the first interview I land myself in and I got the job. Whatever I asked...the director just said yes to me. HmMm...that's going to come in handy when I ask for a raise *evil laughter*. Nah...shouldn't be counting my chickens before they hatch.

I'm already getting more than the usual fresh graduates are getting and also I get my phone bills and petrol money all subsidized. Travelling expenses all paid....so...I guess it's cool.

Oh...if you're wondering what I'm doing? I'm an account executive....part of the Fujitsu team. *dreams of going to Japan one day* Since their headoffice is in Singapore...I guess I'll soon be travelling down to Singapore pretty often. Not now...since I'm still being trained by my Account manager Prudence.

So...life is looking up at the moment. Don't know when it's going to be bleak agian...*pessimistic Amy on the rise*

At one point...when I wasn't working....I felt a little lost. Directionless. Didn't really know what I wanted. Maybe also feeling a little down that everyone had a job and I didn't....*I know I know...I wasn't working for only a month* I even became anti-social. Didn't really want to talk or see anyone. Quarter-life crisis...hehehe....

Although most fresh grads take at least a month break or even more than that before looking for a job, I almost instantly landed myself with that event managing company. Thank goodness I didn't stay for long...if not...I'll just rot and die. Imagine me being there for a month and a half there.....how I coped..its still amazing....

So let hope...from now on...life would get a little more interesting and better...*fingers crossed*.

But then agian...that's just life ain't it? Full of ups and down, bumps and potholes....so right now, I'm pretty contented with what I have and where I am.

2005-10-01T12:27:00.000+08:00

Oh my word!!! It's been a month since I last updated my blog! That's....just terrible isn't it?

I guess time really do fly when you're busy or occupied. I don't even know where September went!!! Maybe its time for me to slow down, take a deep breathe and just try to enjoy what holidays I've left until I start work agian.

Too much has happened to actually blog it down. Nope...don't worry...nothing drastic or unhappy. All great memories and good times.

I'm still up to my old habit of going out for a drink at night and just hanging out with friends at cafe's till late, chit chatting and talking. No more clubbing or heavy drinking for me since August. Surprise huh?

Every day I make it a point to get my fat lazy ass to the gym. I'm in love with combat classes now. Love the synergy in the class and the amount of sweat that drips down your face is just plain satisfying.

Gym is fun....there are a few hot guys there. But also very weird dodgy ones. Just few days ago while I was happily running on the threadmill, listening to my iPod and my eyes glued to the tv, a guy suddenly came onto the threadmill next to mine and waved his hands in front of me.

So there I was, thinking maybe I'm in trouble or I dropped something. I took of my earphones and looked at him. He on the other hand, came up with the lamest and most uncreative pick up line ever. "You look familiar, have I seen you somewhere before?"

Geezeeee....great.....I'm panting and am short of breath and here you are wanting to have a conversation with me. Smart move.

He kept on talking, asking my name, what I'm doing and the usual stuff. My answers came out curt and short. But obviously he didn't get the hint. I honestly wanted to hit the 'emergency stop' button and walk away. But hey...I was on the threadmill first and am NOT going to allow anyone to interrupt my exercise regime.

He wanted my number....and DAMN IT! I couldn't give the excuse of 'I don't own a handphone" because my handphone was right in front of me! To shut him up....I spurted the numbers out quickly in hope he didn't get it.

Unfortunately....he did. He even messaged me on that night itself while I was out with Krist. We of course had fun just laughing and bitching about the guy.

The next morning, he actually woke me up with an sms. Idiotic fool Who would sms someone at 7 in the morning!!! It read "Good morning Amelia! Are you going to the gym today?" NO LIFE.

I ignored his msg and went back to sleep. Who knows he'll bug me agian in the mid-afternoon while I was having tea with another friend.

Calvin and I decided to answer the msges since we have no life and nothing better to do. The guy...his name is Larry btw. *eWwW...* Well, he asked me for coffee and I said that I can't coz I've to meet up with my bf. (a lie....of course...)

Larry replies sounded so sad and a little phatetic. Calvin was laughing his ass off and was already attracting a few weird glances by the people sitting near us.

His replies were like. "He's such a lucky guy to have such a beautiful you while others could only dream about being with someone like you."

Disgusting? I know...but wait...it gets worst.

"You're beautiful, kind and generous not only on the outside but inside too." Dude...you don't even know me...you've only known me for like 5 seconds!!!

"Your bf is one lucky guy. He's fate to be with you is something a person like me can only wish for." - That was corny...and Calvin's remark was "Oi...he copying all this line from a book?"

"Honestly to tell you, you captured my heart the first time I saw you...."- I really spit out the water I was drinking while Calvin was now 100% gone. Laughing and clutching his sides.

Seriously...is this guy for real?!?! I mean...please...you don't go to gym and pick up girls who are sweaty and isn't looking their best. Also, if you want to pick up girls...i'm sure there are better pick up lines right?!?!

Calvin was amused. "Wei...maybe I should join the gym with you. You're there like less than a month and already 4 guys tried picking you up."

Me: Shut up....it's not funny. I go there to exercise. Not to get picked up. If get picked up by the hot guy never mind lah...but get picked up by dodgy idiots.

Calvin: Got chicks there or not?

Me: How would I know...when I'm there....I'm in my own world.

Calvin: Maybe its the latest trend...picking up chicks in the gym.

Great....just great...we can never escape from them can we? All these dodgy guys...do they really think they stand a chance? Especially by all the corny pick up lines? It's amazing how they think that they can get away with it.

I on the other hand prefer not to be disturbed while I'm exercising.

2005-08-30T11:05:00.000+08:00

Lazy Amy hasn't been updating her blog for a long time. Bad Amy...bad...*hangs her head in shame*

Anyway...there's nothing like out of the norm to blog about. Other than my last day being on the 2nd of September now instead of the 9th. *YAY!!!*

But seriously, these days I hardly find any time for myself and I find 24 hours in a day isn't quite enough. Maybe because I'm being kept busy with things to do after work. For example, attending my Japanese classes and the gym.

Yup...yours truly is turning into a gym freak. I absolutely enjoy attending body combat classes and working myself out so much that I ache. The satisfaction of burning those fats...*sigh* I know I sound crazy but joining the gym and working out is like a drug. Once you start, you get really addicted to it. Read it somewhere once that when you work out, your body releases something into your blood stream and that makes you happy. No wonder while I'm punching and doing my roundhouses I actually feel damn satisfied.

Of course working out with your buddies just increases the fun. In the past it was only Oscar and Audrey but now...I'm getting Kwang, Johan and Yee Liang to join me. HAhahAH...my targeted weight 40 kg.

Yes I know!!! I got crap about it from the others already about being underweight and aneroxic and also about how guys wants their girls to be a bit fleshy. Who gives a s***t what guys want. I'm doing this for ME, MYSELF and I.

Japanese classes are fun too....just like when you have a passion to learn something or have the interest in a particular subject you'll do well. 2 hours just seem to fly past and it feels as if it wasn't enough. I want to learn more. I want to go everyday!!!!

Other than that...life is pretty redundant. Going out for drinks every night with friends, hanging out, chit chatting, meeting new friends....the same old thing....but its cool. Get to know different characters, meet more friends, widen the circle of friends I have.

Been pretty busy with that until a few old friends are complaining that they haven't seen me for ages...*sigh* I really need to time manage myself at the moment......

2005-08-18T11:49:00.000+08:00

It's funny how life would take a drastic turn unexpectedly. Just like how one week ago, I was complaining how redundant and boring my work is and I wanted to quit. But I didn't dare because I had no other place to go and also the money issue was playing such an important role in my current job.

As today, I just talked to my friend/boss Anderson and I sent in my resignation letter. He gave me his blessings because he knew that I cannot grow in his company and also will have no future. I mean...you ask me to weigh between a Multi-International Company such as Ogilvy& Mathers and this small shit hole UCSI Comm...which do you think I'll choose?

*DUH!*

No stupid shit will take the lesser one right?

So I'll be packing up by 30th of this month and saying good bye to this stupid dumb idiotic place and would never ever come back agian.

yay!!! i'm free from this prison!!! YAY! YAY! YAY!!!

Alien's Kidnapped my Mother!!!

2005-08-14T12:17:00.000+08:00

In my drunken sleepy state *not by alcohol okay*, there I was, sitting at the dining table with my aunt, sipping my usual bottle of Yakult, trying not to move so much because my muscles are aching from the body combat class at gym the night before.

Suddenly, the topic of "tattoo's" was brought up by my aunt. I was basically quiet, lost in my own world and trying so hard not to fall asleep on the table.

My ears perked up when my mom actually went. "I saw one of those tribal ones the other day. Quite nice...."

My aunt went. "Yeah...Noelle had a rose one on her back. So nice! I really wanted to get one. Maybe I should get one soon."

Mind you...my aunt is over 40 but she's hot and single...so....

Then I teasingly said. "Maybe I should get one too...on my lower back."

The reply my mother gave back almost sent me into cardiac arrest. "Okay whut...quite nice...but don't do it so big. Those small cute ones not bad. At least not so obvious...playing peek-a-boo like that."

HOLD IT!!! Is...is...that really my mom? Is my cloudy mind playing tricks on me? Am I dreaming?

I looked at my aunt and she said. "Got green light already. Go do it lah!"

I was definitely speechless....dumbfounded.....I couldn't move or think.

My mom then said. "How much would that cost?"

Finally finding my voice, I answered. "The size of a ciggie box about RM 250- RM300. Depends on how complicated your design is."

"Okay...up to you...if you want to do it...go ahead....but I don't like all those piercing you do on your navel."

WHAT?!?! O_o

My mom is cool with tattoo's but she don't like my belly piercing?!?! I mean....

........

I don't know what to say anymore....

But...I couldn't help but think if she's actually doing some reverse psychology on me. She knows me too well...how needle-phobic I am. HOWEVER....I did somehow manage to get my belly pierced right? So tattoo is....OKAY right?!?! RIGHT??!?!?!??!?!?

I did contemplate doing a small tattoo before. Was going for either one of those Kanji words, an angel which represents me or a blossom which is part of my name. HmmmmmMm...damn it. Krist would be so happy about this news.....

Amy's thoughts

2005-08-12T08:55:00.000+08:00

Amy...is coughing like an old hag.

Amy...has eyes that are red and itchy.

Amy...has nose that now resembles rudolph.

Amy...hates the haze.

Amy...wants to breathe in oxygen that doesn't smell like burning smoke.

Amy...can't wait to see the building clearly agian.

Amy....wants to sleep.

Amy...can't sleep because she has to go to work. *drops head and starts crying*

A Lesson Learnt

2005-08-07T20:57:00.000+08:00

*MoAn*

My poor aching head.

I woke up learning a very very good lesson.

No.1:- Never drink beer agian.
No.2:- Never drink beer with a group of 14 guys and you're like one of the only 2 girls there.
No.3:- Never drink beer with a group of guys who guzzle their liquid like water.
No.4:- Never drink beer while playing silly games.
No.5:- Never drink beer agian.
No.6:- Never Ever drink beer agian.

First of all, I never did like beer anyway. It wasn't something I would choose to drink at pubs or clubs. I'm more of a cocktail drinker or pure liquor guzzler. I get drunk with beer way faster than hard liquor. Funny eh? That's just me.

So...what happened excatly? I met up with my boss and colleagues for a drinking session at Oasis, had half a glass of beer and was already pretty red. Went on to join Krist and his buddies at Friendster (yes...a place okay...not the webbie) and what started off by saying "No...i just want water." went on to a full blown drinking session.

The culprit? Nicholas. Yeah...he came up with a the bright idea of playing a game called "007" and the loosers had to drink. It was funny and we were all bursting with laughter. We went on to play that "superhero" game which was even funnier.

Imagine this. 14 guys and 2 girls drinking more than 13 jugs of beer. The place was supposed to close at 1 am but they opened it for us till 4 becuz we all refused to move our asses. Of course, the workers were laughing at our silly antics as well.

By the time I reached home, it was almost 5 a.m. That was just simply crazy because I had to wake up at 10, bring my mom to 'The Curve' shopping mall and meet up with our hair dresser Gibson.

So there I was...looking all hung over, sleepy and puffied eyes. Got into the hairdresser, plonked my mom there, talked to Gibson for awhile and saw the guy who did my hair, Melvin. Talked to him...eheh...*he's cute*...and then went off to meet Oscar, Audrey, Christ and his friends.

Funny though, while hanging out with my friends, I didn't feel tired or lethargic. More like hyper and happy. Haven't seen Oscar for almost a month now. He loved my new hair and new look. *laughs happily* Apparently I look very Advertising executive type already. *yAyYy!!!*

Talked till 4 p.m, got home, dropped dead on the bed, slept till 6, woke up feeling lost and blur. Watched TV, surf the net and now....I'm heading off to bed agian. What sucks is...I'VE TO GO TO WORK ON MONDAY!!! *wails*

2005-08-06T10:36:00.000+08:00

Yes. It's a Saturday and it's only FREAKING 10 A.M!!!

What the hell is Amy doing up at 10 a.m and blogging like she hasn't got a life?
Let me tell you why....I've to work every 3 Saturday's!!! *starts to wail and cry*

Seriously....this blossom is starting to wilt. Maybe I'm going through some quarter life crisis. So what if everyone tells me "Hey...you do now that the economy isn't good right now and there's tons of unemployed graduates out there dying to get a job. You're getting a good pay too. So why are you complaining?"

BECAUSE...I really don't see any potential working in my present company. There will be no future. I feel like I'm trapped in some glass box where I see life just pass me by.

I had a nightmare last night. *shudder* I dreamt I would end up working here for the next 20 years of my life and get nowhere. I dreamt that I'll end up doing some routine job and just die without ever being contented. I dreamt that....*shakes head and tries to forget*

Anyway, forget about the nightmare. It just made me realize that I really need to do something about my life. Not to the extent of just sitting in this dead end seat and blog out my unsatisfaction.

So....what did I do? I'm printing out like 10 resumes, looking for some other 'Interesting' jobs so I can get out of this hellhole.

I mean...I'm Amy....I can't just be locked up. I need to fly...I need to explore...I need to be on the go. Not sit at my desk from 9-6, surfing the net after I finish a proposal that only took 2 hours to do.

Somehow or another, I just know if I stayed here...I'll sink into the deepest sea of depression and probably die old, wrinkly and dry. Yeah.....I can forsee myself that way if I stayed in this company.

No no no...other than the boring job scope. I love the people here. They're absolute darlings (i'm not being sarcastic here).

Maybe I'm just being a brat. o_O"

But what about the whole crap that everyone has been ranting about "You're young...you have the whole world at your feet....BLa BLa BlAHHHHh..."

Yes....whole world at my feet but the wings on me are broken. I'm still waiting to get it fixed. *taps feet impatiently*

When I do get to fly....man...am I going to fly out of here FAST!!!

2005-07-27T09:18:00.000+08:00

Gomen minna san....I've been a bad bad girl and haven't been updating my blog for a very very long time. I guess it's time to do some spring cleaning and wipe off all the cobwebs that have been growing here. *AcHOoOo*

There's nothing much going on lately. It's basically the same old thing happening every day...every night....every week....Yes...as I've said time and time agian...life is redundant!!!

Oh yeah....some of you might not know this yet. Amy has a job now!!! Yay...(NoT!!!) So yeah...to those who thought I've been bumming around doing nothing...I'M NOT!!! I'm working orite? Working as in...real blardy work for the past 2 weeks already. As what you might as? Account Executive. Yup....I'm not in an event planning and advertising company. Am I having fun? Well....let's say...it's comfy and the rest is yet to be known.

Anyway, no point rambling on and on about work. It's a bore except for the part that we're planning events and get to meet some celebrities...yay!!! No...not Malaysian celebrities okay...I do not even consider celebrities! So what if I see Siti Nurhaliza at some mamak...screw it...

HmMmm...it seems that time is zooming past me in a blink of an eye. Too fast I might say...need to slow down...one minute its Monday and the next its already Friday. But I realized that if you have something to look forward too, time moves even slower...at turtle speed....*Sigh*

The weird thing is...when I stay at home...I really just stay at home. I'm seriously someone who's very contented with just being comfy in bed, watching my dvds and lazing around. Piggy Trait okay!

Then there are days when I'm out...I'm out every single night!!! Seriously...my life...not consistent. *shakes head* By doing that....going out every night...taught me a really good lesson. Not enough rest and sleep is just going to do bad things to me at work the next day. Yeah...imagine black eye bags, falling asleep at your desk that even loud music from Orange Range or L'arc~en~ciel doesn't help.

So...this means...no going out after 11 on a weekday especially when I've loads of clients to meet the next day. Horrible I tell you...not being able to concentrate on a single word the client is saying and I need to make a contact report and proposal for it afterwards.

But I'm loving it...yup...loving the fact that I'm actually earning my own money...loving the fact that I've a real job....loving the fact that I can give something back to my parents...but most of all...loving the fact that I don't have to depend on a guy for any income!!!!

Wait...there's more....you know how life is just begining for us? A fresh graduate from University with an entire life ahead of me...I'm begining to think that just working for the rest of my life isn't going to cut it. Life is too short not to pursue your dreams right?

So....here's my plan. I've already done all the sufficient research for furthering my studies overseas. Where? Definitely Japan. What? International Relations course as well as a year on Japanese language. WHY?! Because that's my dream..and of course I've gotten full support from my mom. :) When? Most probably if all goes well....end of next year.

HOWEVER...there's this minor problem....FINANCIAL!!! hehehe...that's why I'm going to work and work and work and save money to actually support at least 40% of my expenditure to beautiful Japan....

Big dreams...so little me....what am I going to do? Just ramble on and on...:)

2005-07-06T21:20:00.000+08:00

*bReaThE In* BrEAtHE oUt*

Okay...what have I been up too? Latest craze....okay peeps...please don't laugh when you read this alright? The reason why I've turned down many many dinner appointment is....not because I'm on a diet...*are you mad?* I've recently took up...BELLY DANCING!!!

I'm not kidding...nope...I'm dead serious. At first when my mom suggested it, I looked at her as if she had grown two head. But after going for one class, I really found it fun! Man...the flexability, the hip swaying....its really fun! And the best part is, its exercise all roll into one.

I've always thought that those Arabic girl who did belly dancing had it easy. Oh Boy...was I wrong. It's actually quite difficult, with all the co-ordination, the hip movement, the whole entire thing actually needs alot of skill! I've a long way more to go...tsk tsk tsk...but hey...its fun!

HmMm...what else is new? Oh...I'm not rotting at home anymore, my friends finally decided that its time for me to get out. So...I'm back into the clubbing scene. Nah...no more alcohol for me. Everyone knows that Amy doesn't need alcohol to have fun! I've been out almost every weekend dancing my head out.

If you're wondering...why haven't I seen Amy then? It's because, we've changed out destination joint. No more Zouk...we've upgraded to Asian Heritage Row. Yuppers...I love it there because you can have fun and yet chill out at places like Blonde, Ivys and so on...then if you want Trance you can head to The Loft and if you want R&B we can just walk up to Bar Savan.

But one thing for sure is, wherever you go, there's still the same amount of dodgy guys coming up with the same pick up line. *shakes head* However...the good news is, I've met quite a few 'interesting' guys there. *heeheheheh* Especially last weekend...been getting down with this guy whose name I shall not reveal...but...hint...his name starts with a B and ends with a N. Anyway...things got pretty hot...*phew* but....after when I'm out of the club, having our usual after drinking 'mamak', I went all...how do you say this...urm...sorta backed out. So I deleted his number and went on my way. Don't ask me why. It's just one of those crazy things I do. NO no...he's really kinda cute....but...nah....its fun dancing and urm...flirting...but...outside in the real world...its a different story.

Enough about my boring life...let's move on to another craze of mine. Most of you know that I'm a huge fan of Orange Range.

For those who don't know who Orange Range is...go kick yourself in the head. Nah...kidding. Orange Range consists of 6 Okinawan guys. Trust me...its not a boy band...its a ROCK BAND BABEH!!! yEaH mAN....They've won countless awards including about 3-4 MTV Japan Awards that was held recently. Of course, their music is the most used ringing tone across Japan and the best part is, they're fairly new in the market. Yup...only 2 years.

Honestly, I thought these guys were older than me like 3-4 years but what really threw me off guard was....THEY'RE YOUNGER!!!! oKAY okAy...Hiroki (mid-vox), Naoto (Guitar), Yoh (Bass) and Natchan (Drums) are born in the same year as me...except that they're younger by months. But....but....my 2 most favorite guys in the band, Ryo (low-vox) and Yamato (High-vox) are younger than me!!!! I never knew Ryo was born in 1985...that's like 2 WHOLE YEARS!!! Yamato fortunately is only a year younger...man...they look tons older...

You know how I love humble young lads....*sigh* They're like the most nicest rock band I've ever seen! When they won the award for best album in MTV JAPAN, Ryo actually thanked the camera man for squatting and sweating in the midst of the crowd...how sweet...

Anyway...I can go on and on about this group and I don't want to end up like some crazy fan girl (which I already am...) My advice...go listen to their music...if you want a sample, mail or msg me so I can send you a few of their songs...or better yet...go visit their website at http://www.orangerange.net

2005-06-28T18:24:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how some things becomes clear to you suddenly and how life takes a drastic and sharp turn to make you wake up and see things differently.

Comparing who I was in the past and who I am right now, I guess there is a vast difference in the way I do things and think. Maybe its a part of growing up but when I look back, let's say I'm not very proud of what I've done in the past. But let's just leave the past in the past as the only way to move is forward.

We've always been protected by our parents. Sure they try to get us prepared for the harsh reality of life but facing it first hand is a different experience all together. All the preparation in the world will never be enough when we are left cold and tattered in the reality of life.Oh well...they did try to warn us....

I guess, I'm at the stage where I start to see things differently. Remember when we were in high school? The purpose of having a boyfriend is because everyone else had one. Not to forget that he has to have at least good looks or some kind of a jock to begin with. Man....superficiality.

Yeah...I'll admit I was superficial. *shudder*...but you grow with experience and you learn from it too. So here I am today, having gone through the turbulance of relationships, friendships and life. What have I learned? Well...quite a number of things.

The most important thing of all is....love. Yes...learning to love. I'm not just talking about giving love to a guy. More to the point of loving the people around you. Friends and family. Honestly, they are the people who should deserve all your love and attention. In the end, its who had stuck around when you're down and battered that really matters.

Friends you don't need many only a bunch of quality ones. You'll know who are your true friends sooner or later. I'm glad I found my true great friends that have stuck by me and supported me through everything. They were the ones who believed in me when I lost hope, gave me strength when I fell and never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I'm thankful to have met people like these.

Some ask me why I don't hate some people I'm supposed to hate or why am I not angry at all? Hey...I'm only human...I do get annoyed and angry but hate...that's a different issue all together. Hating someone is tiring. Getting angry is exhausting too. Why should I waste all my energy and time to be angry at someone who's not worth anything at all? If I forgive and treat them with respect...they'll probably not appreciate it but it'll make me feel better and that is all that matters. Me, myself and I.

Forgiving someone is just adding another room in your heart and I'm sure my heart has plenty more spaces left for forgiveness rather than hate.

Life is too short to be consumed by hate and anger.

2005-06-17T01:01:00.000+08:00

Its 1 a.m now and I'm at home, sitting in front of my computer feeling a little lost. More or less...numb.

Many things have happened during the past few days. Things that are hard to comprehend or swallow or even let it register in my head at the moment.

That's life I guess. One minute you're having the time of your life and a phone call later, you just feel...shocked...numb...

We've lost a friend this week. I'm still in shock...so is Liy and probably everyone who knows him. But I hate to think what Oscar must be going through right now. Lennart will always be remembered and loved by all of us.

Somehow or another, I don't feel as if he's gone...I just can't accept it yet. But one thing for sure is, I've learned that life really does hang by a thread. Makes you realize how fragile our lives and the ones dear to us are.

I know that everyone needs to leave one day and I shudder to think about the ones I will eventually have to say goodbye too.

It makes one wonder that what we work so hard for, what we slaught for...is it all worth suffering in the end? I guess...sometimes there are no answers for questions like these. In the end its not what we achieve, but how happy we lived our lives.

This is going to be a short post...I need to collect my thoughts and just...ah well....I'll be back shortly...

2005-06-12T21:45:00.000+08:00

Okay first....I just want to say that I'm currently...ABSOLUTELY...in LOVE with....Kanjani 8's new song...Oh Enka...wonder if anyone has the same habit as me. If there's a song I liked, I'll listen to it over and over and over agian. If you check the playlist on my Ipod...it's like...60 times in just 3 days. HAhahAH...yup...Amy's one crazy gurl...

Anyway, pulling myself back to reality. It's finally Over....yeah...OVER...

What is Over? The only thing I've been ranting about for the past 2 months. I really can't believe how fast time flew. One minute I was telling my friend that we have about 7 more weeks to go before graduation and now...I'm sitting here...and everything is finished. Classes, Exams, Assignments....everthing done.

It feels weird. Especially when my group of 4 years...yes...4 years...did our final presentation. Oscar, Liy and I have always been a group and for all these years, we worked together in all our assignments. We knew how each other worked, what each other's strength and weaknesses and also how we think.

When I stood in front of the class for that final presentation, I suddenly felt overwhelmed. I knew then I was going to miss them. We would never present together unless we worked with each other in the same company.

I don't really know how to describe the feeling...but I know that I'll always miss the time where we leave our work to the very last minute. When I say last minute....trust me...its last minute. As in...our presentation is due in one hour and that's when we all do our work. But funny thing is...we always manage to score really high as a group.

Another thing was...when we sat for our final exam. I knew when I was writing on my sheet that it will be my last time ever doing this. Unless...*touch wood*...I fail and have to repeat.

Imagine, almost all our lives we've been studying. Suddenly...its over...and its a brand new thing for all of us. *Shiver*

I used to flip through the classifieds for fun...or use them as placemats when I do my art. But now...everyday I'm looking through it to see if there's anything interesting.

But our night out at Zouk will always be a night I'll remember. Us being classmates for almost 3 years just partied the night through. Liy, Hema, Mace and I were really just shaking our bootie's on the podium. It was fun!! Most of them were high and drunk....but Angel Amy here...didn't drink at all.

I told you I've willpower!!! ahhaah....I don't know why I don't feel like drinking these days. Maybe because of the last night out and me almost poisoning myself with alcohol. Bleah....Anyway, who says you need alcohol to have fun! I had fun all night!!! ehehe...

I met many people that night...people I didn't expect to see on a Thursday night...but hey...it was okay....Why I don't like Ghetto Heaven Night is because of all the dodgiest guys there. UghHhHhH.....SERIOUSLY...its like dodgy guys gathering or something.

Should've gone to Velvet with Oscar!!!! *bangs my head* At least there were more decent crowd there...but anyway...anything for friendship right? ehheeh....If I went to Velvet...I could've had champagne!!! Oh...and I bumped into Joey too....ahhaha....see...told you that if you go to Zouk...you're bound to bump into peeps you know....

Anyway, I'm sleepy....gonna go crash and dream of my darling Jin...dang....he cried....seeing him cry...just makes me want to reach out to him and hug him. And in Minna No Terebi...blardy hell...that woman better hands off my Kame and Jin...how can she mistaken Kame for Jin anyway?!?! I was actually laughing my head off when she made him call her Anego!!! Silly boy....

2005-06-06T14:34:00.000+08:00

*oUCh*

I'm supposed to be studying for my finals this coming Wednesday. But instead of having my head buried in my books, I was partying as if there was no tomorrow. Bad Amy...BadDdDd!!!

I feel so guilty. Partying for a day is alright...but for 2 days straight....*phew*....that's suicidal. But all in all, I had tons of fun with all my old friends and my new found friends.

Friday was really awsome!!! We went to Ivy's at Asian Heritage Row (yup...we are all yuppies who only hang out there now). Met Rusty agian...was so embarassing how last time I was incredibly drunk at Blonde and he had to take care of me when I went "Rusty!!! I want water!!!" ahhaah....

Thank Goodness I remembered. He came up to me and hugged me and for a second I blanked out, thinking...who on earth was this guy?!?! It was amazing how he remembered my name and how wasted I was about 3 weeks ago. UgHhH...EMBARASSING!!!

But it was all good, we were laughing and talking about it. I never knew he was my age and so blardy successful!!! He's like some director of a company which requires him to travel all over the world. Dang!!!! Makes me feel...so.......small.....

The whole gang was there and we were all just dancing and having fun. It wasn't until my dear friend Dira saw her ex with his new gf did she break down and cry. The worst of it all, they just broke up and he replaced her so quickly. Ah well...guys are jerks anyway...So there I was, consolling her. Abang Ashraf was kind enough to be there with her as well. Rusty too....

Never in all our years of friendship did I see my best friend break down like that. But its good...that she cried and let it out. It'll definitely make her feel better.

So while she was taking a breather outside Ivy, talking to Marina and Shahrin, I was on the phone and suddenly this 2 Chinese guy came up to me and we just started talking about the weird ballons above me and how it was going to pop. Yeah....the conversation made no sense...well...one of them is kinda cute...he's name is Boy...the other...I forgot his name.

When I went inside, my phone rang agian. This time an unknown number. So wondering who it was, I picked up and guess whut? It was BOY! I went out and he was smiling at me and I asked him how he got my number. Apparently, he asked Marina!!! Blardy hell...

Ah well....the thing with me is....I never give out my numbers to people I meet at clubs or pubs or wherever. He said he will call me out next week. What was I supposed to say? So I just went...urm...alright....got to go now....toodles!

Once inside, I was sitting next to Rusty who was trying to make me drink beer. I told him...NO WAY...I am not drinking beer!!! Its plain gross! ahhaha....he said, fine...let me buy you a shot. How's D 52 sounds? I was like....NOOOO...that's too freaking strong for me!!! But he went ahead and buy it anyway. After 2 shots, I was really really up there flying in the skies.

Next to me was this guy...he looks cool...with all his piercings. He's from Sarawak. Sorry...I can't remember his name. He talked funny too. Imagine with the loud music, the alcohol taking an effect on me and his weird accent...how on earth am I suppose to comprehend what he was saying?

Then...the bar tender with dreadlocks, asked for my number. I said..sorry...I don't give my numbers out. In the end, he gave me his name card. On it...some printing agency???I guess he has a job somewhere else.

We all buggered home about almost 5 in the morning....I slept till probably 3 in the afternoon and had the entire house to myself because parents went to Kuantan and Aunty Connie was off to Ipoh.

So fun!!! Keith dropped by with JC and Mike, hanged at my place teasing me about my pale looks. At least Keith was kind enough to cook for me some porridge. I didn't know he can cook!!! We all watched Amittyville and scared the living daylights out of each other.

I was planning not to go out that night, but a Dira called and said, let's go out agian. I was like...NOoOoO...and she went...come on...for me...for our friendship. GeEzZeE...so I went...We were supposed to be headed to Passion, but Ashraf had other plans for us. We went to Bar Savant instead.

I saw Rusty there agian and he asked us to join him upstairs coz he had a table. We were like...we'll see...coz we have friends at Blonde and W. After maybe 5 minutes, we all headed upstairs with Mia.

On the way up, I kinda saw one of Wai Soon's friends and my instinct just told me that something is going to happen tonight.

True enough, as I was grooving with Leelee and Marrissa, I turned around and saw Wai Soon...yes...my dear old ex....talking to the bar tender.

I pretended not to see him and looked away...and then Rusty came over agian asking us to join him. I peeked and saw...why on earth was Rusty so near Wai Soon! Then I thought...damn it! DOn't tell me they're friends! But thank God....they were not. Their tables were just next to each other.

We didn't join Rusty because we wanted to head to BLonde after Marinna finished her drink. So we stayed and I saw Wai Soon's friend staring at me. True enough, he walked over with Wai Soon and said hi.

I hate to say this...but Wai Soon looked really bad. His hair cut was all wrong...as if he went to some Chinese barber upstairs some night market or something. His cheeks looks all puffy and seriously...I always remembered him being taller. But on that night...He just looked so short!

AHhahH...Dira was just laughing her ass of saying like how the night before she met her ex, now its my turn. Only diff was I was so nonchalant about it and really didn't care. Honestly, I thought it might affect me a little, but it didn't.

Marissa said me feeling that way because I'm totally over him and no feelings for him anymore. Everyone was proud of the way I handled everything. Well...there was nothing to handle actually. I see him as a friend. Nothing more.

The only thing that went through my mind was....What on earth did I ever see in that guy!!! EwWw...Trust me...if I saw him on the streets these days, I wouldn't even fall for him. Totally not my type anymore.

Anyway, at Blonde, we were hanging out with Ben and some other guys. All having some fun coz most of them just came back from UK. We left Blonde at 3 and went over to Ashraf's place for more wine. Came home at 8 in the morning. *faint*

I slept for maybe 4 hours when Liy called me and said that she was coming over. I was almost dying. Thanks to Keith, he got me some medication and dropped it off at my place before he left for Penang. He scolded me for partying to much....well...I deserved it anyway.

Liy came over at about 2 sumthin and she made herself some noodles, had the Hershey's ice-cream my mom made and we headed off to the Curve for some pancakes.

Oscar, Rachel, Calvin and Oscar's brother met us there. We talked, gossiped and had so much fun. I on the other hand was having a flu. Yupp....the result of not having enough of sleep.

Came home at 8, watched Mona Lisa Smile for awhile and bounced off to watch SC on NHK...by then, the medication was hitting me hard and I could hardly open my eyes to oogle at guys.

But I'm wondeirng what on earth did Ueda and Ryo exchange in the letters....hMmMm..

Anyway, by 10 30, I was dead asleep on my bed while Liy continued to type away on my computer.

We woke up at about 12 today...yup...lil piggies....we had lunch at Mc Donalds and she was teasing me that there was the guy in Black who kept staring at me....SOrRrY bABE....I was blur....

Now...Amy is going to continue to catch some winkies....I'll wake up and study....later...yup...MuChhh...LATER....heheheh

2005-06-03T20:11:00.000+08:00

L.O.V.E!!!

HmMm...If most of you have been following or been reading my blog, you will know what a skeptic I am when it comes to love and relationships. But mostly...I'm sitting on the fence, in the middle...as I've stated before, I do not believe that love or relationships last forever but I DO believe that Love exists.

I mean...I've seen it in my friends eyes...and well...I also know that there's this one person who loves me but unfortunately....I can never love him back. Liy saw it in his eyes...while I was just plain oblivious to it.

But now....there's this other one...who claims he loves me and is making it so obvious that its really begining to scare the hell out of me. Its overwhelming and its kind off suffocating.

Maybe because I feel extremely guilty or maybe because I'm not ready to accept him so fast.

If you don't know who or what on earth I'm babbling about, just go back 2 post and you'll get a rough idea. He's back...yup...from Melbourne and he surprised me by dropping at my house with a bunch of flowers.

You know...like Liy said....maybe I'm scared because he's a guy who fit every single criteria of a perfect someone for me. He's good looking, he's got potential to be successful, he's mature, he's humble.....he's everything that I always kind of wanted.

I mean...honestly. I used to just settle you know. Settle with all my ex's when I know for a fact like all my friends like Oscar and Liy pointed out that I can do better. But now...it's all in my face. A guy who's like been made out from the list I've had when I was 21 and I just can't accept him!!!

Liy did say that maybe I'm feeling this way because I love him and the feeling is foreign to me that it scares me. But no....trust me....I just can't afford any distraction anymore. I need to focus!!!

Yup....I'm graduating and am going to move on to have my own career. I'm only 22...I can't settle down just yet. Not especially when I've not fulfill my dreams and goals yet. As I've said before, my life...my friends and family is the most important to me right now. Love and guys...they just have to take the backseat at the moment.

But how am I going to continue to run away or reject him when he understands all this and all he says is..."I'll wait....no matter how long it takes....I'll wait and I'll help you fulfill your dreams...."

ManNNnNn....it's like pressuring me!!!

How long can I put him off anyway? I kept on telling him...give me time...give me time....but I can see that he's getting impatient.

Should I run away? Should I....ignore him? Should I....tell him that I've suddenly turn lesbian and my lover is Liy and I'll never like him? HAHAHHA....okei okie...the last idea is screwed....

Keith said that I shouldn't be with him because I pity him and should pick him instead. *rolls eyes* That guy should really stop flirting with anything that wears a skirt.

I did what a good friend adviced me to do. Made a list. Yup...I made a list of why I should and should not be with him...but the idea blew up in my face when I had more Should than shouldn't.

Its funny how....someone pointed out that he was actually 100 times better than any of my ex's all rolled into one. In other words....he would probably the best choice I've ever made in my entire dating career. But...maybe...just maybe...I'm attracted to imperfection...ahahah...or just plain dodgy and psychotic people like Liy and Oscar pointed out yesterday.

Yupp...Amy...she picks up charity cases and place them under her little wing....*ugh...they really do have a way of slapping me in the face* Then....those questions like...did you really like them? Did you really want to be with them? Why were you with them? Why did you choose them? Why why why?

AiyOhH...I DON'T KNOW!!! Maybe in my past life I owe them some shit and have to repay them this life. Give me a break...people make mistakes. I know I've some really bad choices in guys....but if only they saw the good in them...

Anyway, back to my current issue. I don't even see it as a problem or a dilema anymore....I see it as an issue that I need to solve before it becomes a problem.

I'm too soft I guess....But...seriously. Right now....my only focus is building myself, loving my friends and family and also working towards my lifelong dreams. He....will just have to wait.

2005-05-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

I don't even know where to begin. Time has been passing by at light speed that its getting too scary for me. No.1, I've a week more to go before I'm officially no more a "student". Can you imagine? For the past 19 years out of 22 years of my life, I've been studying. Starting from kindergarden up till University.

Now...I'm stepping out into the working world. It's like a whole new chapter of my life. Scary and exciting. Weird...but somehow, I feel a little heavy hearted to walk out of the place where I spent most of the time complaining and whinning about. Looking back, I don't really want to leave. I somehow want to forever be the carefree student whose only worry is graduating and passing my exams or when my presentation or assignments is due.

I sat at my laptop today, looking at the essay I was typing and it suddenly hit me. This is going to be my final assignment. My final work that I'm going to ever hand up to a lecturer. On the 8th of June...will be my last time, sitting for an exam.

Man...this is all tooo weird. I've spent half my life cursing the person who invented 'exams' and now....*shakes head*

Its funny really. When you're a kid, all you want to be is a grown up. Now, you're a grown up and all you want to be is to never grow up.

I guess...I'm right smack in the middle. I still want to be a kid but at the same time, I want to be a grown up. To have a career I love and enjoy and to earn my own money and spend my own money.

Less than a week actually.....I'm off....no more LUCCT....no more loafing around The Plaza, no more ciggie breaks at the emergency exit, no more hanging out and talking nonsens with friends outside Wings Coffee...no more entering class late and giving lame excuses, no more fun and weird doings when we are bored, no more driving for 35 mins, no more assignments stress....no more presentations...no more exams....

HmMMm...I know I'm supposed to be really stressed out about my finals, but I'm not. In fact, I've been having too much fun....going out almost everyday, coming home in the early hours of the morning...

No, don't get the wrong idea. I've not been clubbing...only on weekends and ladies night. I've been just hanging out with a couple of buddies, all from different groups. We're one crazy bunch. But I love them.

We get bored at 12 in the morning and decide to drive up to Genting (to those who are not local, Genting is in another state in Malaysia) or when we're done hanging around till 2 in the morning, we drive to Ipoh for breakfast. We even drove to Malacca the other day just for 'satay celop'. Nutz huh?

*sIGh* I'm going to miss some of them. They're all flying off overseas and here I am...stuck in old boring Malaysia. Old boring stuff...redundant people...redundant life.

Not that I hate it, but....let's just say you go clubbing...you're bound to bump into at least 10-20 people you know. Or you go to a mamak, BoOOM...there you go, people you know sitting a few tables away. Or if you go to a nice chillout place, you bump into familiar faces agian.

I'm kinda bored of seeing the same peeps the same faces....maybe that's why I can't be bothered with those guys at the moment. BorINg!!!

Someone...anyone....save me!!!! Take me out from here....maybe for a month or two and I'll be forever grateful....:)

2005-05-18T17:36:00.000+08:00

Lately, I've been feeling a little confused and nostalgic. Maybe because he came back and threw my life into this big whirlwind of confusion. Why can't he just have stayed in Melbourne? *Sigh*

To those who are going..."WHO?!?!" He's my childhood friend. We knew each other since we were both in primary but he migrated to Melbourne with his family and never did came back.

I never thought he would suddenly appear in my life like a jackrabbit on my birthday. Of course I was delighted to have met him agian. Boy oh boy...did he change from the stocky little kid. He grew up...and yes...he grew into this really charismatic, tall, charming young man.

Obviously I was really happy to meet an old friend and we were just catching up with old times, filling in the blanks and stuff like that. One call led to another meeting...and another...and another....

Well...you know Amy...she's oblivious to her surroundings. It wasn't until a friend of ours called me and said. "You know...either you're really stupid or you're just playing blind to his moves..."

What moves?!?!?! I thought we were just friends. Yup...right after those words left my mouth, I was suddenly asked out for a real 'date'. Remember how I never actually been on a date. Well, now I know what a date is all about. He came with flowers and took me out for dinner.

Honestly....I find it too good to be through. It's like...too fake? Fine...I know I'm being demanding...but....you can't blame me.Not after what I've been through in the past.

He did ask me if there's any chance for us to be a couple. That's the thing. I do like him....but...I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be ready to be with him just yet. I'm still in the process of finding myself and trying to love myself.

How can I love someone if I don't love myself right? And if I did give it a try...what will it lead too? Maybe he's too perfect for me...until everything seems so unreal. He's sweet, romantic, loving, smart and alsot really good looking.

I guess he's like what most of you will say. MY TYPE. but...I guess its the timing you know...its all wrong. He did say he'll wait...but...it won't be fair for him right? Making him wait...he does after all, deserves the best and I'm not sure if I'm the best.

He just went back to Melbourne for 2 weeks to settle all his immigration stuff and will come back to Malaysia for good after that. He did say he wanted to cut his trip short and come back to see me. But....I told him to stay because its a good time for me to think about things and basically...just concentrate on all my dumb assignments.

I really don't need another stress in my life at the moment. Maybe I've become so independent and free that thinking of being tied down is just too.......suffocating. I know he will give me my freedom and all the trust I want...but....the question is...am I willing to trust him with my heart?

UgHhH....I really need to get my thoughts back on track. I can't let guys run my life. I've already made up my mind about concentrating on my graduation and then building my career. Why on earth does he have to come back now?

I'm just glad he's not like the other guys I've been with. One thing is...maybe all this while, I've this perfect image of my perfect guy with perfect personality in my mind. And suddenly, this perfect guy turns up and I get scared and find it all so unreal.

I remembered when he left for Melbourne and he was hugging me goodbye, all I could think of is...."run Amy...run!!! Save yourself...." But when he's gone, I found myself missing him.

Anyway...like I told my best friend. "If he's really sincere, then he'll wait until I'm ready."

God knows when only will I be ready...but honestly. I think I need a breather. After my break up with Wai Soon...it was one after another. I really need to take a long holiday and be with myself.

Like Bonita adviced me....I shall not let my emotions over rule my head and I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet without letting another guy push me down.

So I guess....we'll just see how things build from here. But you know what's the worst part? When your friends and family absolutely adores him......my mom thinks he's great and asked me why don't I give him a chance.

He's such a sneaky little twerp! Instead of attacking my heart first, he attacks the heart of my family! BleAhHhH....

I'm just glad he'll never read this blog...one thing I love about him is that for a 23 year old, he's very responsible and mature about things. Not mature in the sense of....yeah, people say I'm mature...then I'm mature. He's mature in ways that I've never seen before in a guy and I really respect his goals, his principles and his philosophy of life.

But....I've to draw a line. Do I love being with him or do I love the idea of being with him. I guess...I'll think about that after my final exam. Until then....the only love of my life is going to be my books, my assignments and myself.

Selfish huh? SO whut....I should be!

2005-05-13T20:20:00.000+08:00

*BoiNg BoINg bOiNg*

Imagine Tigger from Winnie the Pooh bouncing up and down like he just ate some jumping jelly beans. Yup...that's excatly how I feel right now.

Blame it on the white chocolate macadamia cake I shared with my mum today. Man...it was delicious!!! But...the effect it had one me...SUGAR RUSH!!! You know...Amy+Sugar= Bouncing off the walls.

Amazing how when I've some sugar in me, I suddenly have the inspiration to write agian. Usually, I'll just sit at my computer table, staring at a blank white screen, trying to crack my head to come up with at least one coherant sentence. Be it for assignment or an update on my blog.

Today....I've decided to actually bring up a very sensitive topic. No...it's not about love....or friendship....but it's about the harsh reality of life and gender biasness in the working world.

What provoked me to actually write this? Believe or not, Gender issue is part of our syllables in our PR International class.

Like it or not, the word "SEXUALITY" is actually a very big issue that we hardly see out there. For example. The woman right's movement. I'm not saying its a wrong thing. What they are doing is actually fighting for our female rights. Which is totally and absolutely right, because we are after all weaker in certain aspects. I'm definitely for anything agianst harming us female. For example, wife battery, abuse, rape or even harrassment.

But...I think that is where it should actually stop. Why bring gender issues into the boardroom? Why do we have to give special treatment to women...just because we are women?

I remember an article I read a long time ago, saying that the women are given more technical roles such as going out to meet clients and not more towards the mechanical roles. Reason is, because we women will probably get pregnant, have families, are always tired and basically in simple terms. WEAKLINGS.

Fine...in certain aspects and strengths, we definitely can't beat the men. But honestly, if I wanted to climb the corporate ladder and reach the top, I want to do it because I'm GOOD at what I do. Not because you give me special leeway because of my gender.

When I'm in a career that uses more of my mental than my physical, I believe we are at par with the males. So there should not be any special treatment. I know some of you will be thinking. "IS SHE MAD? She should be standing up for the women and that they need to be protected!"

You see, I always believe there's always the cause and effect strategy. Like in Sweden, they piroritize and emphasize so much about women's right, it's basically getting really unfair for the male population there. For example, if a male and female both of equal qualification and they are applying for a job, the job will definitely go to the female. Just because of what? She's a woman.

That's the cause...giving woman too much protection. The effect? Simple, woman become more powerful, divorce rates goes up and more single ladies are too career driven and strong to bother about being more laid back and actually taking time to be a women. Get what I mean?

Than there's this other issues. Men who looks down or gets intimidated by successful and beautiful woman. Why is it that men, especially asians always think that their wifes should be someone who wears an apron, be a baby making factory and basically someone lower than them.

It's true you know...how men usually wants to be seen as the higher authority.

I guess, you can blame it all on ego and inferiority complex. With my observation, I've realized that the futher women climb up the corporate ladder, she becomes more stronger and she will automatically think. "I don't need a man to survive. I can do this all on my own. I've bleed so much to come this far and I deserve this. No men is ever going to bully me or step on me anymore."

Who can blame them? Men always think we women can never be better than them. But why is it that we have to compare agianst one another? Why do we have to put gender into the work place?

Isn't it only fair if we just don't tag each other as women or men when working? We see each other as equals and we respect each other for our capabilities. Isn't that what its all suppose to be about? Look at us woman for our talents, our strenghts and our abilities. Not look at us because we are in skirts....

2005-05-05T09:15:00.000+08:00

It's extremely weird...I wouldn't say I've a PHD when it comes to understanding guys, coz I can really say that they are one hell of a confusing creature made to test our patients and our intellectuality.

I don't know about you girls out there, but all these years, I've met guys who are so obnoxious you would just want to stuff your stilletoes right up his a** everytime you see him. Then there's your usual geek and nerds who are harmless. Leave me alone...and I'll leave you alone kind.

Of course then you'll meet those who are so full of themselves you wonder what's up in that big head of his? Air? Definitely. Pass me a needle...let me pop it coz that head of yours ain't going to pass through the door! Ughh.....guys I tell you.

Seriously, why do guys think that us girls are amused or would go all ga-ga over material things or your achievements in life? Geezeee....imagine going on a date with a guy who goes. "Yeah...I own this...yeah...I added this to my car...oh yeah...I've done this...Yes yes...I'm going to make my 1st million before I hit 25." BORING!!!!!!! Find something new to impress us alright? Maybe...something with sincerity and the bottom of your heart?

How about those guys who are so thick and dense? The word 'NO' just doesn't seem to penetrate into that thick skull of theirs. Yes, you try being nice....politely rejecting them. BUT THEY KEEP COMING BACK!!! Can't they get the hint? Lesson no.1 dude, never ever bug a girl everyday. She gets irritated and will just loose all respect to you.

OhHHh...and of course, how can we forget the smooth casanovas who think they're every girl's prince charming? These guys are actually quite smart. They are the ones with looks, personality and most of all some dough in their pockets. Of course, they've been around the block so they know how to squirm their way into our hearts and later on move to break them.

Becareful girls!!! These are the guys who are excatly like a wolf in a sheep's clothing. They will try to be humble....but if you listen carefully, you'll hear the little egoistic bragging behind every single sentence. They will shower you with all the attention, making you feel so important. Think about it...if they do that to you...what makes you think they're not doing it to other girls too? OoOooHHH....and....they're very very sneaky. In short, just do not trust them alright....in the end, it is you who gets hurt!

Last one...a guy who either acts above his age or below his age. I mean...wayyyyyyyyyy below. Yes. Childishness. Ugh...I'm sorry...I'm not saying that I'm extremely mature or serious. I do have my crazy days. But please...If you're 25, its time to actually grow up and not blardy think that burping out loud in public and giving air farts are amusing. I find guys who have a goal in life, to strive and to have ambition is something to be respected. Not someone who thinks, life is short. Let's just have fun.

BULLSHIT. Life isn't short. It is...short but not all that short either. You can have fun...but what if you're the lucky ones who lives up til 80? Then what? Continue to think that you'll die tomorrow and just live each day as if its your last? Where on earth will you go in life then? Just a stagnant dot.

Then let's talk about those who are acts overly mature (or tries to be). If you're 25, you're 25. Don't go acting like you're 40 alright. First off all, it makes you look really stupid and....trust me...no matter what, if you want to act mature, sooner or later, that 25 in you will eventually shine out and it'll make you look like a fool eventually. Just think about it this way. You can't be 40 when you don't go through life. Listening, looking and understanding isn't enough. You have to LIVE it and EXPRIENCE it to actually know what on earth life is all about. Trust me, 40 year olds compared to 25 year olds...they handle things differently.

So you know what? Don't give me the shit about "Been there, Done that" You have not actually been there or done that if you don 't learn in the end and keep on making the same mistakes. It's just plain stupid.

Ugh..men...seriously, they should come with some kind of warning or at least a handbook so we can understand them more. Maybe we should just dissect their brains and study them. Why on earth some are overly stupid and some are just overly intelligent? Is there no moderation in men? Either you find an IDIOT or a super dumb a** who's out to break you. Where are all the good guys huh? Oh shoot....I forgot. They belong to a whole different era where men actually respect women....hahaha

Hey...don't get me wrong. I'm not bitter neither am I angry at the whole men society. I'm not. I still love them. *wink* Its just I recently found out that there's alot of girls out there who's getting all confused and hurt by the certain special someone. If nobody is there to help them...I sure do hope I can at least make them realize a thing or two bout guys. I might be wrong though........who knows.....someone will prove me so wrong that I'll be swallowing all these so hard I'll just choke and die.

2005-05-01T20:03:00.000+08:00

*Stretch* Yes...guess I've been lazing around the entire day. I can't believe I've had such an unproductive day today. Ah well...its a Sunday. I guess I should be doing nothing right?

Was supposed to head down to a rave last night but last minute, everyone decided not to go and headed for the movies instead. Triple X 2...not bad...loads of huge ass and nice cars that you can only dream of driving.

Came home, popped in my usual anime and fell asleep. Woke up at 7 am. Can you believe it? I woke up feeling like shit. As if my chest had something heavy on it. Told myself that whatever is on my mind to go away and that there's nothing more important than Sleep itself. So I closed my eyes, thought of Jin's silly little stint in Anego where he was playing golf and fell asleep. *PooF* I woke up at about 10:45 am.

Didn't do much. Wanted to start off on my assignments but all I could do was stare at my screen like an idiot. I couldn't even think!!! Phone calls and sms-es kept on coming in till I switched off my phone. Call me anti-social. But lately, I've no mood to interact with anyone at all.

Even yesterday at the movies, the only idiot can irritate me, Ronald, even know how to step back and stop bugging me. Well...he did at the begining, irritating the hell out of me with his stupid teasings and antics. It wasn't until I just kept quiet and glared at him he shut up and realized that I was not kidding. Moody you know...maybe its the weather...I don't know...

After so long....I finally shed some tears. No no no...don't get me wrong...I did not...I repeat...I DID NOT....cry for any guys. I was watching this music video. Can't remember the singer's name. But it was so freaking sweet. It was a 5 min MV. Mandarin song. Thank God I understood the song a little with my lousy mandarin.

Kinda reminds you of the Korean hit "Because I'm a girl". But this is different. This is about this pianist or should I say composer who's a little quiet and reserved while his girlfriend is this bubbly, full of life and happy girl. It showed how he never smiled and the things she would do to get a reaction out of him. I loved the girl in a way because she's someone who showed every emotion of hers. Like when she wanted to cry, she cried. She wanted to shout, she shout. She wanted to whack her bf, she just whacked.

It wasn't one day, she couldn't stand it no more, she looked at her solemn bf who was watching TV and told him to kiss her. He did and when they broke apart, his mouth was smeared with her blood. Yeah...she had nose bleed. Not because he was a good kisser. But because she had leukemia.

Even so...she made him finish the song he was composing and made him promise that he'll play it for her at the concert.

Before he left, he gave her a handphone which she held onto tightly. Just before he started his performance, he called her and placed the handphone on the grand piano so that she could listen to him sing and play. As he finished playing the last note, she dropped the phone...meaning...she died.

I couldn't believe it that tears actually started to appear in my eyes! Can you imagine how long has it been since I've cried? Then suddenly, I changed the channel and it showed of some graduation thingy and I started to get emotional agian. Why? Coz I was thinking of my own graduation. How much I'll miss everyone, everything at the college that we complaint about endlessly. It's like...leaving behind a chapter of your life to start a new one. Bad or good...there'll be no ending. I'm scared...excited...and...anxious. But I really wished...i didn't have to leave. 4 more weeks Amy...4 more weeks of being a carefree student and to hang out with your friends. 4 weeks....

OoOoO...and you can't imagine how happy I was when I realized Astro was showing Kagen No Tsuki or better known as Last Quarter!!!! Narimiya Hiroki was Hot okie...man...I don't mind having a boyfriend like him. Devoted and so in love with you. *Swoon* But the whole concept of the story really touched me to the core. It proves that love is one extremely strong force that death itself can't part. Hyde did a wonderful job as Adam. It was just so him you know...ciggies...guitar....that sexy singing voice. I love L'arc~en~ciel but I love Hyde even more. Go watch it...it's one great movie...almost 2 hours...but I wouldn't mind watching it over and over agian.

At least my entire day was brightened up by that movie with a happy ending. Can you believe the anime I was watching was also sad?!? Ugh....yeah...the heroine died, living the hero to carry on without her. HOW COULD THAT BE!!! IT'S ANIME FOR GODSAKE!

Yeah...and I finally finished downloading Anego and now waiting for the second episode to finish downloading but imagine how slow it is. Bleah...connection i tell you! But it was well worth the wait. Anything for Jin right?

Love him in a suit...love his new hairstyle...just love everything bout him!!! Arghh...why can't anyone as perfect as him ever exist in my life? I would so love him. A guy who is so adorably cute without even trying hard. Even though he's acting serious, you still can capture that small little silliness of his. Concentrate on him when he's playing golf. It's hilarious....

Anyway, its amazing how time flies so quickly. One second its April and the next its already May. Ah well...time waits for no one right? No point being stagnant and walking backwards...The only road I see is only in front of me. How far it'll go...where it'll lead....I don't know...but I'll find out... Till then...Happy labour day!!!!

2005-04-26T10:42:00.000+08:00

At excatly 22 years ago, a baby girl was born just in time for dinner. Not knowing what life ahead would bring and what pain or happiness will be experienced.

Yup...that baby girl is me. Apparently, I was born on a Tuesday too! What a coincidence huh? In some ways, my birthday is not a day to be celebrated for me. But for my mother who had to go through so much pain to bring me into this world and then caring for me and grooming me into who I am today.

I guess in the end, it is my mother whom I want to thank. I'm not sure I've been the best daughter in the world. I know for a fact I do dissapoint and make my mom sad at times, but I promise the tears and worries will be less from now on.

Hitting 22...nah...not an extra wrinkle...yet! ehehhe....I don't feel any difference at all. But I do know that I can honestly say that I've been through life at least quarter of it, experience a few stuff and can look at things in a broader and brighter perspective.

I remembered when I was what....19-20? Yeah...my mom said those were one of the most difficult age to handle. I guess I was young, naive and like a sponge, ready to absorb everything and was easily influenced.

At that age, most of us are trying to find who we are actually. We are then evolved into this being that if you notice, is part of your friends and the influences from your surroundings. In the end, who are you actually? What is it that you really want? What is it that makes you happy?

For example, girls tend to follow their friends in their actions, the way they dress, talk and even act. For guys...boy oh boy...I went through hell with one of them at that age. I remembered having to go through his playfull mode with his peers where all he thought was gaming and gaming and what....MORE GAMING....and look where it got him right now....he regrets it like hell...and he knows I know it....hehehe....

We hit 21...and suddenly, like a dream, we wake up and we sorta get smarter. We realized that all these things we've been doing is plain childish. Sure...life is short...we should have as much fun as possible. But honestly...life is NOT that short and there are goals and responsibilities that we have to take upon us. Life is not all about playing, having fun and doing what we want. Sometimes, our actions will always cause hurt to another. But that's something we will never know.

I used to take my studies easily. Thinking...fine...if I fail...I'll just have to repeat my semester. But then if you think back, your parents are working their butts off to put you through a year of college. And going to a private one ain't cheap. Then there are other expenses like books, fees and stuff like that. Do we owe them to just waste away, have fun and play our way through? Or do we owe them at least a diploma or degree...something that they can be proud of?

I'm thankful that I've met really great and honest friends at college. Someone who will teach and lead me to the right path. Sure we have our fun. But we know our limits. We know when to stop and get serious.

Friends....well...there's the good and bad. Sometimes, we always get blinded by the bad ones and ignore the good ones. Great advices tend to fall on deaf ears because we never want to hear negative things. In the end, we get influenced by the bad advices and where to we go from there? A dead end.

I always think...sure we take advices from friends. But in the end, who are we to depend on? Ourselves. we have to think and weigh what is right and wrong. Nobody will know what makes you happy except yourself right?

But I've made an observation. Guys...well...they get influenced by friends a little more easier than girls. Why? Simple...peer pressure. Ego....whatever you wanna call it. Girls...more emotional...they follow their heart...ending up sometimes getting more hurt than they should be. BleAhHhH....

Sometimes I wished there was a balance of everything in life. Guys who don't go to the extreme and have a moderation and girls who don't get too emotional and a little stronger. But I guess God has a plan for all of us. A lesson to be learnt....

I can't say I've seen it all or experienced it all. I'm still learning. But honestly, the things I've done when i'm 19-20...is something I'm not very proud off. I hurt alot of people with my stubborness, naivity and childishness. I even let go of a guy who would've meant alot to me. Something...I will continue to regret for the rest of my life.

The reason to that? I was blinded and when my friends told me I deserved better...I really believed I did. When they said that I could do better and have a more cuter guy...I listened to them. But in the end...is looks all that matter? I've learnt that the hard way. Looks as I've said many times before....is like a beautiful sculpture. You can stare at it for hours a day but eventually get bored because inside this sculpture is empty clay.

I guess...in the end, we are all trying to find that one person who would understand at least a part of ourselves and just love us for who we are. A screwed up? An asshole? Hell yeah...they accept it all. But...nah....it has came to the point where I looked back and realized....why do you need that special someone at this moment when you have so many special everyone around you?

Yes...I mean...quality friends. Friends who let you have a shoulder to cry on, dash to be by your side when you're sick and someone who will never forget your birthday. Friends who will only support you and never tell you otherwise. Friends who will give you a little push from the back in whatever decisions you make, bad or good. Friends who will say to you that....as long as you're happy....I'll be happy.....Now....that is what my 22 years of life is all about. Friends and family.

I'll be stepping out into the working world soon....wonder if there'll be more pain and shock waiting for me. What will I learn? Who will I meet? What will I become? I guess...we'll wait and see....

Spacing Out

2005-04-19T08:15:00.000+08:00

I'm at it agian. Having insomnia. Sleeping at really late hours and getting up before the birds begin to sing. I'm starting to resemble a panda bear. I'm not truly under loads of stress, neither am I unhappy or upset. I'm just....normal...but still....I can't sleep peacefully.

Even if I did sleep, I wake up numerous times for no reason. Arghh...this is getting frustrating. I really wished I could be like last time, being able to sleep for 8 hours straight. Boy ooh Boy...I miss those days where I can sleep up till 1 in the afternoon.

Classes are alright....I'm glad that I've extremely smart and passionate lecturer's this semester. I expected the work load to be a killer but surprisingly, it's not as bad as last sem where I've to go without sleep for 2 days at a go. I guess...things are going great at Uni now...Less stress and more happier days.

Thinking about graduating and leaving is an extremely upsetting thing. Part of me don't want to leave...yet the other part can't wait to get my degree and join the working world. Maybe that's why I'm loosing sleep. I don't really want the days to pass by so quickly. It seems that this month and the month before were flying before my eyes and before I can even get use to the day itself, its over.

Nothing interesting in my life at the moment. I realized how my friends and I have grown during the past years. My best friends are all in the earning income group ready to pay their income taxes. One is a high-flying stewerdess and the other is going to be a part owner of a boutique. Me....I'm just Amy...plain...boring...ole...Amy.

I wonder what I'll end up doing after I graduate. I'm scared...what if I don't get a job? UgHhHh....the worst part is making a decision of which path I want to take. Should I go back into Advertising, or pursue a career in magazine publishing as a journalist, or do event management under PR or hotel management? This is the downside of Mass Comm...you've too many to choose from. Unlike studying medicine or law. You just know where you're heading to straight on.

Gosh...I wished I had an exciting life. A life filled with meeting interesting people. Oh wait...I DO meet interesting people. But I end up getting either stalked, weirded out or just scared. Yeah...as I said before...I only tend to meet Psychos and dodgy people.

Lately, I've been thinking alot of my past and one particular person kept on popping in my head. Maybe because I found this extremely sweet letter he wrote to me. That was about 3 years ago and I do wonder where he is right now and what is he doing. He was one person I can really say that is beautiful inside and out with a great personality to go with.

He's someone you know that if you end up being with, he'll love you more than life itself and never hurt you. Only thing was....the timing I met him was all wrong. I was still blinded by that idiotic fool who cheated on me. If only I stuck to my decision at that time to leave that idiotic fool. I guess we would be happy right now.

But then agian, things happens for a reason right? Maybe we were never fated to be together. But if i did meet him agian, I would really want to apologize to him. For hurting him.

OhHh...and...what a weird surprise. During my one week vacation, I was out with a friend of mine, just lazing around when I met........*drum roll*....DENNING!!! OMG!!!! I can still remember how weirded out I was!

It's such a waste because he's one hell of a good looking chap. He has looks, height and body. But unfortunately, he was so empty and wierd!!! I remembered him crushing on me so badly that he'll drive all the way from Subang to wherever I was just to pick me up, drop me to wherever I want to go, wait for me in the car and then head back home. He also weirded out Oscar and Liy.

Thinking back to those times...man was it hilarious! That day in particular, I had a photo shoot and needed to pick up some of my portfolio pictures. He insisted on following and when he saw those pictures, he couldn't stop staring at them. Well...fine...if you like looking at them,but please do not make such a big fuss over it. OVER ACTING I tell you!.

Then we headed down town to join Oscar and Liy. He took a liking to Oscar because they both have a common interest. Body building. And when I was away with Liy, he even told Oscar that he'll wait for me no matter how long it takes. THIS is coming from a guy I hardly know okie!!!!

He then started messaging Oscar and calling him which was totally psychotic! In the end, I've to make him stop calling me and Oscar by telling him that I was going out with someone else.

*WEIRDO*

Sigh....it's such a waste...but i guess you can't have everything. God is fair in that point.

Okay...enough of mindless ramblings...I'm going to head back to sleep...try to catch the sleep fairy before it leaves. Toodles!

You can't force LOVE.

2005-04-13T07:24:00.000+08:00

L.O.V.E. A word so strong and powerful, yet frightening and sweet. It's scary how this four letter word is divided thinly by a fine thread between Hate. One minute you're loving your guy overwhelmingly and the next minute you hate the very sight of him.

I've seen all this happen in my very own eyes. Girlfriends complaining to me about their boyfriends, married couples screaming at each other and end up divorcing....can you blame me for being a skeptic now? Of course add up the horrible experiences and men I've to meet throughout my entire life just fills up the wound with more salt I can handle.

No no no...don't get me wrong. I'm not all bitter and crazy, turning into a spinster and all. I believe in LOVE...I do...really....cross my heart! And no...if you think I've given up on men...I did not alright...so no worries there. In fact...I've found someone who has brought back the light in my life...*smile*...that's an entry for another day.

Back to the topic before I start flying off everywhere...

You know how sad it is when you love or like someone and that person just doesn't share the same feeling? It sucks right? But some girls....they just don't get it. When a guy says "I'm sorry...I see you as a friend...." or vice versa....it seems that all they get in their small little brains is "I'm sorry...I see you as a friend...But...I'm giving you a chance."

I just don't get it. Why is it so hard to take "NO" for an answer? And why oh why do we have psychotic people on earth? People who starts stalking the one they're so called in love with? Or even threaten suicide if he/she doesn't return their love?

If you really love that one person, don't you want him/her to be happy? If it was me...I would truly want to see him happy, even though if it means being happy with another girl. Just seeing that smile, that glow in his eyes is enough and satisfying. But forcing one person to be with you just because of your own selfishness, isn't that surpressing his hapiness?

Sometimes, its best to just wake up and smell the coffee you know. Face it! The guy isn't in love with you!!! Move on with life and understand that God has bigger plans for you. There's so many great guys out there. Why mope around for that one particular one?

I guess you can say I won't know how it feels unless I'm in that person's shoe right? You're right. I don't. It might be harder to do than it looks...but it really doesn't hurt to try.

In fact, you owe yourself that much to be happier. Living a life in gloom and misery its not worth it. Life is so short and fragile. Why be sad when you can be happy? Why waste your time on one idiot when you can be happily basking in the joy of attention and care of someone who truly loves you for who you are?

So my dear friend, you know who you are. You've heard my take on the situation. You've seen how strongly I felt for you to move on with your life...so why not try it? Your beautiful eyes is not for shedding tears for one guy who doesn't appreciate you. You deserve someone who will hug you when you're down and shower you with unlimited kisses. Someone who will look you in the eye one day and say "I love you" from the bottom of his very heart. At that time, you will know that you've found the one and soon...this guy will be a distant memory...a shadow of the past.

You can try to make him love you, you can buy him all the gifts, shower him all the attention and even go to the extreme of giving him everything he wants. But think...is it all worth it? Isn't it like buying LOVE? You definitely can't buy love honey...love is priceless.

It's not worth it. Sitting by the phone, waiting for his phone call, making up excuses of why isn't he sms-ing or calling. If he really had you in his heart, he'll be msging you endlessly or calling you just to hear your voice.

When you stop making excuses for him like "He's really busy" or "He's with his friends" or even "Maybe his phone has no battery", things will become clearer to you. One thing for sure is that a guy can never be too busy to call. Unless he's stuck in Timbuktoo where there is no service what-so-ever. But hey! If he was in Timbuktoo and if he did love you, he'll send you snail mail! Okay okay...I'm diversing.

But my point is...if he did have you in his heart....calling, messaging and even seeing you wouldn't be a problem at all.

Anyway...I'm rambling now...sleep is calling me. But take it this way....give yourself one good cry, say goodbye and move on with your life. Go out, look beautiful and let the guys shower you with attention. Ego boosting you know! *wink*

*Random babbling*

I was reading Kamenashi's translation of Kizuna the other day and found it amazing that a guy his age is able to write and compose such a wonderful, meaningful song. He's only 19 for crying out loud. But the lyrics...I can relate to it...I really can...

Check out the translation....its really really sweet....

Even if I think about the future as much as I can,
It's impossible for a person to see the real future
Some things get stuck in the gap of my heart
I just keep on making errors

It's okay if it's one step at a time, just don't let go of my hand
The steps that we took together, you are going to keep on living
Even if I keep on withdrawing until I crumble,

The bond of that time, that place, will never disappear

Inside the flowing time, I try not to lose anything
The real thoughts that collide when we pass by
That feelings that soaked in her heart
Our encounter was the miracle that I seeked

The pain that refuses to stand still
The light that's seen inside is always connected

It's okay if you lie, You can let your tears flow
The bond of that time, that place, will never disappear

It's okay if it's one step at a time, just don't let go of my hand
The steps that we took together, you are going to keep on living
Even if I keep on withdrawing until I crumble,
The bond of that time, that place, will never disappear

Amy's Down!!!

2005-04-07T10:15:00.000+08:00

Wait...don't get the title wrong. I'm not down "down"...I'm sick!!! Man...flu...cough...sorethroat...the whole shit. I hate it when this happens!!! My throat feels raspy and dry, my nose is block and I'm coughing like a mad woman!!!

Yeah yeah...whine whine whine...but hey...I'm allowed too! I'M SICK!!! I just want it to go away. This sucks bad because whenever I fall sick like this, my breathing difficulties comes back. I find it difficult to sleep at night, waking up in the middle trying to gasp for air.

Now, when I cough...my throat hurts. So...here I am...trying not to cough...but man...hacking it is not that easy!!!

But thank goodness...I think I should be okie by the time my one week hollz comes by. Can't wait!!! I've so much catching up to do. Yes...I've to catch up on my sleep...on my girlfriends...and man....there's shopping to do as well!!!!

Dang...gonna be so broke this month. Let's just hope that for my birthday my aunties won't give me gifts that I hardly use and just cash in some money into my account. It'll be so appreciated so much more! heheheeh....*evil laughter*

Oh yeah...and the other day, I finally saw human at its worst in front of my very own eyes. Geeze...I've always known that there are many kinds of people out there. Weird personalities and stuff. But never in my life have I seen pure evil spawning out from a 9 year old. I betcha he's going to grow up to be a terrorists or something.

One thing for sure though...he's a real sadist for a kid so young. There was 3 kittens near my house and here I was....walking my lovable Cookie and I saw this kid....throwing stones at something...I walked closer and saw him pick up one kitten by its neck and started swinging it...YES...swinging it and he threw it down....I screamed at him and he scampered away....I couldn't do anything because Cookie will definitely go beserk if i went near the kittens and of course...from how the kitten was laying...it was obviously dead.

MURDERER!!!

Anyway...I walked another round and the kid was back! This time...he was bullying the remaining two kittens. I ran towards him and shouted. "HEY BOY! IF YOU TOUCH THAT KITTEN I SWEAR TO GOD YOU'LL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGIAN!"

He looked at me...and yes...he lifted his middle finger at me. OBVIOUSLY I was shocked!!! I mean...he's a kid for crying out loud!!!!!!! UghHhH...stupid brat...I wished that he'll fall flat on his face or something.

Another incident...The other day I came home from Class and was kind off surprise to see a man sitting in my living room. I found out later it was my Aunt's client and he was waiting for her to get some documents and change.

I thought it was my mom's friend at first. So I sat on the sofa and smiled at him. Being polite and all, I talked to him for awhile. Guess what?!?!

That dirty old man placed his hands on my knee and....YES...he stroked it! F***ER!!! I was shocked! I stood up quickly and ran up the stairs. UGH....BASTARD....really........ewww.....*shudder*

I can't even let a guy I've no feelings for touch me...and now...this old ugly fart touched my knee. I feel violated! Fine...so what if i'm making a big deal out of this. Damn it! I can sue him for sexual harrasment!!! If i see his ugly face agian...I swear I'll chop his fingers off and not only that...I'll make him suffer.....I won't even type what I will do to him here....grrrrrr....

Anyway...I think I shall go shower now....cool down myself. Till then...Toodles!!!

Insomnic Pigglet

2005-03-31T04:12:00.000+08:00

GrRrRr...I absolutely hate not being able to sleep!!! Imagine tossing and turning in bed, praying, begging and hoping that sleep will befall you. Unfortunately it doesn't come and you're left lying in bed with eyes wide open. Sure sure...go drink some chamomile tea....bla bla bla....TRUST ME...it doesn't work!!!

Feeling absolutely grumpy now. Really want to bitch. But funny, there doesn't seem to be anything for me to bitch about. HmMmM...maybe there's one. Something about your peers suddenly going around talking about you. Nah...but that really doesn't bother me that much. I'm more or less immune to the flies that buzzes around you. Sooner or later, one by one will be zapped down. So...nah...its no biggie.

HmMmMm....*taps foot*...WHAT TO WRITE!!! Gawd!!! How long does this writer's block going to last? Seriously....I'm lacking any inspiration to write! It's like I sit in front of my pc, write a whole paragraph and just delete it agian and agian and agian. In the end, there's nothing left to read except a blank white screen!!! Infuriating!!! Frustrating....absolutely...dissapointing....*sigh*

Another thing, wonder what's up with me these days. I've tons of assignments due. I've at least one or two assignments due each week. But I just don't feel like doing some stupid, dumb, boring reading log that after the first paragraph either puts you asleep or makes you go *HUH?*. Oh man....I really need to pick myself up and get back on track. My studies.....IMPORTANT!!!!

Nothing is more important than getting through this next few months, graduating and then going out to work!!! NOTHING!!! Not even Kame, Jin and any other hot stuff guys. *okie...i'm lying...* BUT STILL!!!!

But then agian...if there was some hot guy in my class....haha...that would be a whole new thing!!! I'll be so pumped up to go to class, drive half an hour to Uni and just finish up all my assignments so I don't look like a slacker in front of him. AhHh....Dream on...the only guy in my class that's merely worth looking at is Oscar.....others are just plain...*BLeAHhHhHHhh*

Now...since I've nothing to write...let's go to the extreme fantasizing. Imagine being in the same class with Kame and Jin!!!! *faints* Wait....that'll be bad!!! You'll be too busy looking at them....drooling at them....to even concentrate on what the lecturer is saying. BaD iDEA!!!

You know what? I miss Gokusen 2...*cries*...I want to see our favourite Akame duo acting together. But please....no more hitting their faces or even making them cry. My little heart can't take it no more. ahhahaha......man....I want more!!! Honestly....the storyline was a little mundane and monotonous but....hey...eye candy is good!!! It's even better than the first one! Sorry...I don't seem to find anything attractive about Matsumoto Jun...but Oguri Shun and that Hiroki guy....is a different story. Though they're not like...GORGEOUS...but...they've something about them...charisma....that...urm....I can't put my fingers to it.

I mean....imagine a guy....gorgeous looking...but with no personality. Gross...its a bigger turn off than Body Odor! Unless you're looking for a trophy boyfriend to show off. I guess its useless talking to a dumb blonde...MALE VERSION.

For me...maturity and intelligence is a very very attractive to me. But then agian...I'm just sick and tired of looking for guys with good looks. They're good eye candy. But nah....not as a boyfriend. That's why we have idols...they're there for us who loves to look at great looking people but don't intend to go out with them. Do I make any sense here? Doubt so...

My brain is lacking oxygen....think its time to hit the sack. Let's keep our fingers crossed that the sleep fairy will bless me with some shut eye. At least a few hours which will be sufficient for me not to faint or fall asleep behind the wheels when I drive to Uni........It's 4:30 am now....so....I think waking up at about 10 will be sufficient enough....Toodles!!!! Queen of Piggies....oinking out!!!!

Color me Happy....

2005-03-24T08:13:00.000+08:00

Oh wow....I've been neglecting my blog for such a long time. HmMMm....well...no excuses for it. I haven't been THAT busy...basically just lazy. Okie fine....no inspiration...or in journalism terms. Writer's block. That's our worst curse. Having nothing to write and just staring at a blank screen for an absolute long time till our eyes goes red.

I've been getting alot of messages from some of you guys checking up on me to find out if I'm still alive. I am I am!!! Don't worry peeps...Amy is up and going or basically most of the time bouncing off the walls high on sugar. Hehheeheh....Thanks for all the sweet emails of courage and support.

Okay...enough of the babbling...let's get started on the post.

I don't know how many people can relate to this. But don't you sometimes wish we can dissapear into our own world and thoughts? A santuary where nobody knows who you are and you're free to be whoever you want to be and also do whatever you want?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly a weird person. Is there someone out there who's even a tiny speck like me? Doubt so.

Its sad really...that many people don't really know who they are or what they are. They are molded into a person by their surroundings, influenced by their peers and people they meet. Sooner or later, they loose their own identities. Is that who we really are?

Why do we talk the way we talk? Why do we think the way we think? Why do we dress the way we dress? Isn't that all influences? Who are we really?

Look around your peers. I'm sure you can find similarities and if you look harder, you'll realize you're staring at a mirror of yourself.

We become like these...because we want to be accepted. We want to be one of them. But in the comfort of our own room, where nobody can see us. The masks, the slang, the clothes comes off and we are left to be individuals. That's when we are truly who we are.

Isn't that why most of us have issues with ourselves? That's why we look in the mirror and go. "I'm not pretty enough." , "I'm not thin enough", "I'm not trendy enough" or "I'm lame and I just rather dissapear."

Why do we have to go through all this excruciating emotional abuse just to be accepted in society? Why can't we ever be happy with ourselves? Or vastly satisfied with what God has granted us upon?

You know what? I might be complicated, confused and contradictive. But sadly to say....I'm also one of you. Yes....as much as you try to be an individual. You eventually end up looking like someone, acting like someone. Wheter you like it or not. It just happens. Sad.....really sad....

I know I should be thankful for what I have. But.....maybe one day....I'll find that one person who will see me for who I am. Accept me for who I really am and love me for being ME. I am Amy....nothing more....nothing less.....

Priceless Time

2005-03-04T13:07:00.000+08:00

You know what people say about we can never buy time? It's really true...I've noticed lately how time passes by really quickly. One week actually feels like only a few days. One month feels like 2 weeks. A year feels like a few months.

Is it because of the time saving effect or is it really the fact that we're moving to fast for our own good? I don't really know if its a good thing or a bad thing. In some ways, I would love it if time actually slows down and move in a more relax pace. But in others, I want it to fly past so I can get to a certain point as soon as possible.

One example I don't want time to actually move is during this 3 months. Yes....in less than 3 months, I'll be actually graduating and leaving the comfort and carefree student life and into the so called working class society. Am I afriad? Well...yeah I am...but I'm also excited because I can't wait to see what challenges out there is there for me to face.

Why I don't really want to leave Uni....simple. It's definitely not because of my assignments and exams. But its mainly because of my environment and the beautiful and great people I've come to love during my 4 and a half years in LUCCT.

I can honestly say that my days in LUCCT has been and will always be the best days of my life. I've never been happier or contented and if I had a chance to go back, I wouldn't change a single thing. Going to class is like going to one big hangout session. We love sitting in our cafe, sipping our coffee (yes...we have a coffee house in our campus), chat, gossip, bitch at each other and basically have fun. The bond we've created and made during this time is now unbreakable.

I'll definitely miss those time. I know very well I'll get emotional when I graduate. I'm going to miss the ciggie breaks we take in between classes and sit at the emergency exit just talking. I'm going to miss having written conversations in class when our lecturer is busy explaining the concept of media law in front. I'm going to miss taking pictures in class while our lecturer's back is turned. I'm going to miss arguing and standing up for our own rights and prove our lecturer's wrong. I'm going to definitely miss working with Oscar and Liy as a group.

SiGh....I'm going to miss the whole gang. Where we will share our problems over the table, give advices, and sometimes squabble like old married couple which we will forget the very next second. You know you can never find friends like them agian in this lifetime.

We basically grew up together during this four years. From naive high school leavers to mature and more experienced young adults. In our group, we've done our best to bring not only the good and creative out from one another, but also find our true selves from deep within.

You can always count on them when you need an honest remark or answer. They'll tell you if you're fat or if you're thin. If you look like a sick ghost or like a peach. But most of all, you know you're never alone when you find out you boyfriend of 5 years has betrayed you and suddenly you're surrounded by all of them who will skip classes just to sit and give you a hug and also tell you what an asshole he is.

How about the times when we're on our way to college, singing on top of our lungs, teasing each other and laughing at idiotic jokes. I'm definitely going to miss Liy's blonde ways, Oscar's witty and sarcastic remark, Debbie's great immitation of a Latino person, Rachel's "I LIKE OKIE...", Yaw Ren's obssesion with getting muscles and all the other people who surrounds us with their laughter and wonderful aura.

We've always taken these time for granted. Never really appreciating it. Until now...we realized that we've only have this little time left. Sure...we'll still be great friends when we go out and work. But we know for a fact, we'll never be that close agian. We'll make promises to meet up...to hang out...but we know sometimes these promises will be hard to keep. We'll have our own lives to lead now...our own careers and dreams to achieve. We're no more carefree students who can spend time with each other.

We will miss each other....This time....we can never buy back.....

People Change...

2005-02-24T10:50:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how you think you know someone quite well and it turns out to be the total opposite. Feelings of dissapointment surfaces when you finally see the person who had always been a wolf in a sheeps clothing.

You trust this person and you think that you've finally met a one true friend whom you can rely on. Oh BoyYyY....was I ever wrong. It's only recently I've been exposed to such people or should I say person. I knew from the begining that it's wrong to fully trust someone and have been vary about everyone I meet. (Except for a few such as my 3 best girlfriends, Oscar, Liy, Debs and the gang...) Those are the peeps I trust and know will always be there for me thru thick or thin.

As for new found friends....I know there's some who are extremely nice. For instance, I've been recently introduced to 2 new great friends. Pei Tze and Helen.

Friends we can have tons, but quality ones...it's difficult to find.

Recently, I finally truly saw this one friend of mine for who he truly is. I can't lie and say that I don't feel betrayed for the things he told me in the past which was entirely not true. Well...I wouldn't say not it was a lie...but let's just say he was stretching the truth to make himself look good.

Do I look like the type who would judge and hold you guilty to your pass? We live in the present and if he had been honest with me from day 1, I would've been his friend for life. But after what I've heard from others....seen and of course felt, the only thing I can do is avoid him.

I hate it when a guy throws tantrums or start acting weird just because they want us to actually go to them and try to pacify them. That's silly. Sometimes, I really want to shout at him to stop acting so weird and think he's all that.

Hell yeah...I'm annoyed. Why? Because it's obvious he's going to loose tons of great friends if he continues to act this way. He's going to loose friends that are true and will always be there for him and get blinded by those who has money and tolerate all his nonsens for a certain reason.

Ah....screw it...I can't be bothered. People change. True to that...but if someone changes for the better, at least that's an achievement. Now...if someone changes for the worst and not realize it...that's denial. Maybe I can honestly say....changing into something worst is one of the biggest failure in life. Instead of going forward, you've taken a step backward.

I don't usually complaint. Only to those who I truly feel I can trust. One of them...Oscar. I was telling him about this particular friend of mine and he said, "You know what Amy? I didn't want to tell you at first, but I never did like him the first time I saw him. But I didn't want to tell you because he was your friend."

Great...why is it that all my friends are a better judge of people than I am? That's why I always say, I only attract psychos and weirdos.

Sometimes, when I see him, all I really want to do is tell him in his face what I think about him. I don't really care if he hates me after that. At least someone did try to make him realize his mistakes right? But...I've decided agianst that. I shall just keep quiet. It's none of my business if he wants to fall of that particular cliff.

You want to know if you're successfull in life? No...it's not the amount of money you have in the bank, nor how many party invitations you recieve daily. It's how many people who really sticks by you and love you for who you really are. It's the amount of people who truly believes in you.

I don't need 100 friends....I only need 1 true friend.

Prince Charming....

2005-02-02T18:25:00.000+08:00

Amy's Back in the HOUSE!!!!

Today...I'm going to talk about soul mates. Wonder what trigger this subject? I don't know....I've nothing else better to write about. HAHAHAAH....

You know what they say...there's someone for everyone. That one person that you're destined to be with. Okay, you've watched movies like 'Serendipity' and all those lovey dovey chick-flick that goes planting all those cheesy-romantic things in our brains. But does it really exists?

We can never define love. Then how do we know if we've ever been in love? It can merely be a huge crush, lust or attraction. But really...how on earth are we suppose to know that we're in love with this one person?

Sweaty palms, butterflies in tummy, you get tongue tied? Isn't that just all a nervous reaction? I get that when I'm sitting for a blardy important exam!!! Does that mean I'm in love with my exam paper?

But...when I see some people, telling me so confidently they've found my soul mate, it makes me curious. Curious to actually know if their so-called soul mate will actually last forever. It's funny how after maybe a few years and they've a falling out, their soul-mate will turn out into their worst nightmare. Okay, its cruel to laugh but....if only I had a tape recorder and tape every single words they said to me about him/her being perfect and so on. Suddenly, that perfect person is this monster they want to kill and smash and see them suffer. Is that what you call a soul mate?

Like just the other day, I was having dinner with Eva and Andrew. First, let me just say that Andrew looks like a frog. I'm not being mean here....Eva said so herself. He isn't excatly prince charming. He's more like.....Quasimodo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. She said, "I never in a million years imagine myself marrying a man like him. So ugly....." of course after she said that, I burst into a fit of giggles because Andrew pretended to look hurt.

Eva continued, "When I was young, I always dream of having at least a decent looking man. I know dreaming of a handsome one is almost impossible, but all I ask for is someone DECENT...in the end...I get this...but...I love him...and I've never been more grateful in my life to find someone who loves me like he does."

They met in a very very fairytale like way. She's from China, he's from Malaysia. Boy meets girl in Shanghai while walking on the street, falls in love at first sight, follows girl right to the mall only to almost get caught by a security guard for stalking girl. Well...you get the idea. Eva said, she actually fell in love with him when she fell so sick and was admitted to hospital. Andrew flew all the way from Malaysia, to Shanghai and took care of her for almost 2 weeks. Staying by her side.

HmMMm...wait...is that LOVE or was it Gratitude?

I'm sure when we're young, we've always imagine this perfect scenerio on how we'll fall in love. How we'll meet our Prince Charming and also have some sort of criteria he has to at least fill up. Tall, dark, handsome...get my point?

But does it really exists? We go through life after that in search for that perfect person....only to get dissapointed in the end coz that 'perfect person' doesn't exists. What exists is the harsh reality of life. Prince Charming isn't tall, dark or even handsome. In fact, as we hit a certain age, we don't want Prince Charming anymore. We want....that one person who can give us security and support us for the rest of our lives.

Then....our dreams and fantasy shall just vanish into thin air. *POoF* just like the wind, our hopes and nightly dreams when we're young are gone!

Maybe that's why most of us don't end up finding the guys of our dreams. Because we either put our standards up too high. Maybe because we want these 'real people' fit the criteria of our 'Prince'.

It's really sad...that most people think that Prince Charming still exists....ah well...REALITY BITES.

Humanity

2005-01-02T23:51:00.000+08:00

There was a time when I looked at human kind and wondered if we were actually monsters of destruction or basically just the species with higher intelligence and on top of the food chain. How can I not look at my own kind and feel ashamed of the things we 'humans' do? For instance, raping a kid and murdering them brutally, killing someone and robbing, are all said to be 'inhumane' actions which animals themselves don't do.

Okay, let's not talk about the extremes. Let's look at us. We're normal right? But we do things sometimes, like bitch around ones back, hurt someone's feelings and the other things which i won't waste my time eleborating on. Is this what our generation has become? Selfish and inconsiderate?

I used to think so. I thought we were one hell of a selfish bunch who only looked out for our own back, do things that benifts us and basically to make sure we achieve what we want no matter whose back we step on and what we have to do to get there.

But...I was proven wrong. Yes, the hope I lost for mankind was found agian.

Tsunami 26/12 as they now call it has taken more than 100,000 lives from the Asian Region. Banda Aceh and Sri Lanka has been hit hard from this natural disaster. Everyday for the past week, the newspapers have been plastering pictures of dead bodies, people who have lost not only their loved ones, but also their live belongings and their homes. Just looking at those pictures, you can see, feel and actually hear their remorseful cries and their pain.

Then, you think to yourself as you look around you. How lucky I am to be alive. To still have my family and friends by my side, to have a roof over my head and a comfortable bed to sleep on. When you eat a meal, you think about those who have nothing but contaminated water to drink from. You wonder, how does it feel, to cling on to life on a single thread and to hear children calling out for you to help them as they get swollowed by the sea or to let your loved ones hand slip from yours and to never hear them speak agian.

It's depressing. Like for instance, how a mother had to cling on to both sons. One was 9 and the other was 12. To survive, she had to let go of one or the three of them will die. In the end, she let go of the older son. Imagine what she had to go through. The pain of making a decision. But thankfully, her older son was found a few feet away, alive. However, how is she going to face him one day? When he's going to ask her,"Why mommy...why did you choose to let me go?"

But in between all the sad news, there's a few of hope and believe. People from all around the world, despite what race or nationality they are, they've united as one, to help and give charity to the victims.

I saw it with my very own eyes. A few days ago, I felt the need to do something for these victims. Especially the ones in Sri Lanka and Banda Aceh. I couldn't just sit on my comfy little ass and do nothing. So I helped my mom pack up some food and clothes to be donated.

What I never expected was a huge crowd at the Buddhist temple which was collecting donations to be sent over. I stood at the side, helping to pack some stuff and realized that the cars that kept on coming that day, never ceased. One after another, they unloaded their trunks with things. In the end, there wasn't enough volunteer to help to pack.

The two day charity drive extended to three days. Helping out there gave me hope agian. For once, humanity showed kindness and love for someone other than their ownself. They were coming together agian, as a whole to give help to those who needed it more then themselves.

Volunteers who knew nothing about one another, treated each other like good friends, making jokes and sharing food. I was happy to be part of those who can help. Even though there was nothing much I can do...at least I found hope agian in humankind.

I thought of joining the 'mercy' group to go help in Sri Lanka or Banda Acheh. But as my brother was quick to point out to me, I probably end up getting sick and be a burden to the other volunteers there instead. Yes...I know...my immune system is weak and I probably faint at the sight of blood.

Oh well...its the thought that counts right? I feel that mother nature was giving us a warning. In some ways, I wonder if we would ever learn from our past mistakes. I doubt it though.

To those who perished, I know that all of them are in a better place. Like what Uncle Tan said. This disaster might not be entirely a disaster at all. Now, the Indian government is willing to help Sri Lanka to rebuild their lives and maybe end the war with the Indian Tigers (terrorist extremist). Also, the kids who were living in hunger will find peace agian in a place better than what we call earth.

It's like God wants us to wash away our sins and let us start a new life. Its 2005 now. Time to reflect about the past, and move on to a good a better future. My resolution this year? Simple. Be happy.

Mother Nature's Wonder

2004-12-27T11:33:00.000+08:00

First, I would like to wish all my friends a Merry Christmas. I know...I know...it's 2 days late but I've been really busy!!!To those I didn't manage to leave a message. Hope you guys understand!!!

I'm hardly at home for the past 2 weeks. Only back to sleep and rest. Coming home early in the morning and sleeping in on the weekends seem to be my daily routine now. Everday after work, I'm only home for an hour and ZoOOOM...I'm off agian! Amazing where I manage to find my energy for all of my after-work activities.

Christmas eve was great! Oscar, Leonart and Christ really made a great feast. A feast enough for a whole army but with only 9 of us eating...well...imagine all the left-overs! Of course, I grabbed the cake home. Christ wanted to throw it away! What a waste!! Rum and Raisins even. Geezee...DELICIOUS!!!

I had a lot of fun hanging out with Edwin, Leon, Calvin and Oscar and we played Taboo till 5 in the morning. Edwin, Calvin and I won of course!! hahahaha....*thanks Oscar for the great night!!!I really felt the Christmas Spirit all over agian*

The other day, I experienced another one of Mother Nature's magic. I saw this really big rainbow. It's not that I haven't seen a rainbow before, but this was really huge! I felt it was so close I could just reach out to touch it. It really was beautiful seeing a rainbow agian after so long. I don't know...this might sound weird, but when I saw it, I felt hope agian. As if nothing is impossible anymore.

But mother nature showed one of her ugly side a few days ago, claiming more than 10,000 lives with the huge earthquake in Indonesia. 8.9 on the richter scale. That's big! Imagine, we in Malaysia felt it as well. Today I flipped open the newspapers and all I see is disaster and death staring back at me. Imagine those who lost their loved ones, those who had to watch helplessly as their family and friends get swept away from the currents. Children loosing their lives, people loosing their homes. Mother Nature got her revenge. We, humans have been destroying earth and now it's time for us to payback for what we took.

But...I somehow wished that these natural disasters happened to places which actually deserves to be wiped out. Why hit all the poor and developing countries and take the lives of innocent people? Why not just wipe out the whole of Iraq so that it solves all the suffering and pain and war for the people there.

Sigh...that's really sad to come back from Christmas and read tragedies like these.I'm honestly quite worried for a few of my friends who are currently in Thailand and Indonesia. Been trying to contact them. All I can do now is pray and hope that they're alright.

Okay...let's move on to something more positive and happier. Lately, I've made some new friends. Friends that I've really bonded with and begin to love. Isn't it amazing how you just meet someone and instantly bond with them and feel as if you've known them for years? There are some people whom you've known for years and never get to feel the closness with at all. I'm thankful that these people have come into my life. I'm also thankful that they're here to teach me things I never knew.

I know for a fact that as long as we live, we're going to meet great people and also people who we can't stand. But they're in our lives for a reason. To teach us something, to make us realize something. That's why I never regret knowing someone or being with someone. I choose the path I walk, I choose the people I mix with.

Usually, I'm the kind who treat all people with all kidness. As I said before, whatever I do, I do it sincerely and from the heart, despite how terrible the person is to me. But I guess, there are times when I'm being to nice and get stepped all over. Am I angry? I was, but now...I just don't care. Karma happens...what goes around, comes around.

Like the other day, my friend from Aussie came back and we went out for a drink. Since it was only both of us, we decided to call out our mutual guy friend. As we sat there, the both of us realized that this guy never change. He's stuck in this time warp and never grow up. We moved on, he stayed behind, acting childishly and thinking that it's no fun being mature.

She said to me as we left, "I'm never going to call him out agian." This is coming from a girl who used to live a wild life. Who was someone who did a lot of shit. But she grew. She realized things and I'm so glad she did because she used to make me worry about her. Now I know she can very well take care of herself.

I guess we can't expect everyone to like us, or to like everyone. But I know one thing, my tolerance level has been raised. I guess I can now tolerate people who are snobbish, brags alot and just plain stupid. Because I find it hilarious to see them acting that way. We can only hope one day they will come around and realize what assholes they're being and change for the better.

It's sad to see mature woman acting like 18 year olds. I've seen one act like that lately and my friends actually said to me. "Maybe she's in denial about herself? She thinks she's not...but she is. Maybe that's why she don't have a guy or maybe that's why she don't have friends." I think they're right.

Sometimes, we have to wake up to reality and think to ourselves. If we have more enemies and friends, what are we really like? If we're at a certain age and the only thing we have is our job and hobby, is that what we really want? Is that all life has to offer us?

I don't know what kind of person I make out to be. But I'm really happy to have all my friends around me. I think that's what life is all about. Doing what makes US happy, being with great friends who you know will always be there for you and never leave you no matter what, having a wonderful family who loves and support you and also having a time of your life.

I know people walk in and out of our lives everyday, but the most important thing to do is to leave a foot trail of memories. Good ones. Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

Unspoken Words

2004-12-12T02:06:00.000+08:00

From before, I've never been a person who was good with spoken words. Maybe because I'm a writer and I express my feelings, my emotions and my thoughts through writing. It seems that words flows easier through writing than through my mouth.

I guess because writing it is somewhat more safer. You can delete it or erase it if you don't feel that the sentence is right. But once something is said, it can never be undone. Trust me, I've stuck my foot in my mouth too many times to ever do that agian.

The other day, a friend of mine actually asked me if I was as romantic and daring as all my characters in my fiction or even in my essay. Unfortunately, I had to dissapoint him and say NO. In reality, I hide behind the safety of my unspoken words. My only witness to my true feelings is my pen and paper.

My mind is like a whirlwind. I can be sitting in front of you, listening to you talk and actually sometimes act really blur. But in reality, I'm not as stupid or as blur as I really am. I know what is going on around me, I observe silently, quietly and evaluate situations in my mind. Sneaky? Nope...I'm just careful. I don't like having my whole personality laid out on the table. I don't want people to know me too well.

It's fun sometimes, acting like a 'dumb blonde'. Guys tend to then act more superior. Puff out their chest and sound more confident. They talk as if they know it all...but in fact, they don't. I sometimes have to bite my lips so hard to keep from correcting him or bursting out in laughter.
*Maybe I should try that more often huh?*

It helps sometimes, writing down how you feel. Anger, pain, frustration...all those tend to tumble out onto the paper and then you get the satisfaction of crumpling it into a ball and hurling it into a dustbin. Better yet, tear it into little shreds and watch it scatter in the wind.

There was once, a teacher asked us, if we were to choose to be blind, to be mute and to be deaf, which would you pick. I picked to be mute. Because, I still want to see the wonder of life. To see the honesty in one's eye or to look into the eyes of the guy I like. I don't want to be deaf, because I want to hear my lover's voice and of course, I can never live life without music. But I can deal without a voice. * I think at least alot of people around me can finally get some peace and quiet if I lost my voice *

Like what they say, 'the pen is mightier than the sword'. I truly believe in that. I remember how sometimes I would feel utterly sad and have nobody to talk to or can't tell anyone, I type it all down. Right here, in my blog...and just before I hit the publish button, I delete the entire thing.

It's my therapy. I feel tons better seeing the words dissapear. It's like watching my problems and feelings dissapear along with it.

I wished some of the feelings that's boiling in me is as easy as that. Unfortunately, it isn't. Especially the strongest feeling of all.

I've been also asked, how on earth could I write such a sad love story. How can I protray the pain so real and that my characters feel real. Easy...whenever I write, I imagine my characters as real beings. Someone with real feelings. I put myself in their shoes. How do they feel, what will they feel, why do they feel that way.

Reading my fiction, I guess some readers must've been really surprised to find me a skeptic of love. From my writings, I'm probably seen as someone who's a hopless romantic, waiting for the perfect guy and then goes of to have a perfect life. Oh boy....I guess I've managed to fool everyone huh?

Honestly, I wished that there are times I was brave enough to put the written words into my spoken words. But as I said before, sometimes, words don't come easy and some stuff will always be left unspoken.

Hardly anyone out there really understands me. Heck, I don't understand myself at times. It's true that when it comes to certain things, I don't know what I want. But I do know one thing for sure is that.........unspoken words can be a burden sometimes.

The Real Side of Love.

2004-12-08T22:58:00.000+08:00

By now, I'm guessing most of you know that I'm basically a skeptic when it comes to love. But don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't believe in Love...it's more or less...I question its credibility. Of course I know that love do happen to certain individuals. Honestly though...I highly doubt it'll ever happen to a skeptic like me. Maybe it'll take alot to actually prove that it somehow last forever.

Okay...I work in a place where we get TONS of free magazines. So when I've nothing to do, I flip through them and guess what? In at least 90% of those magazines I flip through (women's magazine mind you...) everything is about L.O.V.E!!! For example, "How do you know if he's the one?" or "Is he really into you?" and how about "10 ways to make him happy". COME ON!!! Give me a break here!!! Are we woman really the weaker sex? Why do we have to bite our nails and have guidelines to get a guy to like us? Or to satisfy one?

Flip through any guy's magazines and what does it say? "How to maintain your car" or "How to get your girlfriends off your back and have a guy's night out" and the one that amuses me the most is "How to have a holiday fling and not letting your girlfriend find out."

Honestly, I didn't know wheter I should laugh or just feel insulted by the publishers and editors. We woman seem to be primping ourselves to look younger, more slimmer, beautiful and to say the right things just so we can attract men?!?! And men seem to be taught to lie, cheat and also push us away without hurting our feelings? GOSH....now I wonder why the word 'sexist' exists!

But of course, now I know why some guys are PIGS! Imagine the magazines they read to get information about us girls. No wonder they tend to think that the way to a girl's heart is to drive a flashy car, have a wallet full of money, being dressed with branded clothes and have a mouthfull of flattery! Wake up guys....this is not what girl wants!!! DEFINATELY NOT!!! Unless it's 'those' kind of girls you're looking for.

So you see, can you blame me for being skeptical? I mean, I know there are the handfull of really honest and great men out there. I would like to emphasize on the word 'HANDFULL'. Tell me, what are the chances of a woman fighting about half the other female population from that handfull of great men? Slim to none.

I know...one day I might be eating my words and it'll be hard to swollow. But until then, I really don't see the point of actually falling in love. Like a good friend told me. Study shows that we actually only fall in love for 90 days. After that, it's all about companion sake. If there's a scientific proof...then who are we to question it right?

Nobody is perfect. I'm so sure of that. I guess there's one thing good about love. It blinds you to all imperfections of the other. Denial is sometimes great fun...but waking up from it is not.

I hate to be a wet blanket. But let me just remind you. The butterflies in your tummy, the sweaty palms, the thumping heart and the weak knees....it only last 90 DAYS!!! So what's the point of loving someone when you're only going to feel that way for less than 4 months? Now I know why guys tend to flirt around. Keep the feeling fresh! If your 90 days is up...move on to the next one right? (I know I sound brutal...but it's a fact).

Sigh...I wished I could sometimes just tell the guys I talk to that girl's do not want a hopeless romantic, or a softie. It's just a better way of not calling them a 'wuss'. Yes, we woman want someone who's sweet and nice and caring and loving...but too much of it...it'll just wear us out. In reality, we want someone strong, someone who can give us security, someone who's a man, someone who can make a decision, someone who takes charge, someone who we can look up to and respect!

That is what the magazine's for men should be writing. Something to teach them how to be more humane and less of an ass.

The Road To Self-Destruction

2004-11-25T22:40:00.000+08:00

"Got to get away from here…
Got to get away from all these people who need people… You know it really makes me sick
Got to get away from here…
Got to get away from expectations, recreations, just for the sake of it"
-Five For Fighting-

I'm definately in no position to go harping and yelling about being a truly happy person, because I can't say that I am. But of course, I'm finally learning and am also opening up to things that I've never accepted or thought of before.

I realized that there are some 'principles' that I held on to strongly was just going to destroy me. I guess in some ways, I need to let loose, let my hair down and just have fun.

How did I come to this realization? Simple. The protective bubble that I've been living in has finally been broken by a single prick of a needle. I finally saw the world for what it truly is.

Have I been so naive and innocent that I've been blinded to the reality of life? Have I been so protected by friends and family that left me being confused and lost? Maybe...just maybe...if everyone would just stop telling me what to do, who to be, how to act and what to believe. I can finally find myself a be more bold and daring.

Having realized that, all the joy and happiness I'm getting now runs a lot deeper and comes from having lived through hard times and having learnt from them. I finally woke up from the deep slumber and am now living a real life, not a charmed one.

You see, we usually see life's struggles as something to be avoided at all costs. Scientifically speaking, we humans are built in a way that our brains, when is overcomed with problems or grief, we manifest a kind of liquid that we are more familiar with as 'Tears'. After a good cry, we tend to shut the problems out and this is done to let our souls and body heal.

But is that the right thing to do? Blame it on the fairytales that has been pounded into our minds since our childhood which made us believe that there is always a happy ending. One thing for sure is, we never did read the fine lines that came with those stories. In reality, there are no such thing as "happily ever after". Instead, in place are REAL feelings of pain such as grief, guilt, sadness and betrayal. It's really alright to feel all that. This is because, we are only living human beings.

I used to be one of those who lived in denial. I pushed away all the emotions I felt into the back of my mind and locked it out. But then agian, don't we all do that without us realizing it at all? Then, to nurse our poor wounded souls, we go on a binge. Be it a shopping spree or binging on chocolates and ice cream to make us feel better. But think about it, what good does it bring to us in the end? A huge bill at the end of the month and maybe a few Kgs heavier than before from all the carbs, calories and fat that was injested.

Come on, wake up and smell the harsh reality of life. Lifelong happiness won't come from simply putting a bandaid over our emotional wounds or pretending that everything is going to work out fine. One thing for sure is, solutions don't just fall from the sky. We have to do something about it.

When did I come to this realization? Yoga...hahaha...kidding...come on. This is Amy you're talking about. Where on earth would I find time to do Yoga? (yes yes...if I can just sacrifice my DVDs). Seriously, I realized it after witnessing a few break ups, experiencing weird encounters with various people with colorful personalities and also finally seeing everyone for who they really are.

However, dealing with raw emotions is just not enough. We have to burrow and dig deeper into our unconscious mind and uncover all our so-called demons of the past. Self-reflections do help sometimes but never forget, denial does not.

If you realize, our lives are like a book. Page by page, it is filled with our little stories. It can be wonderful or it can be traumatic like loosing a loved one to death or something common such as being cheated on or dumped and left cold by your boyfriend or girlfried. These stories are like the threads that will slowly weave a beautiful piece of fabric that will become our personalities and eventually make us who we are.

Oh! Don't get me wrong. I'm still somewhat confused and complicated. But I'm happier. Happier than before but a long way more to go before I can truly be contented and blissful. Of course, it's obvious that my mind is very complex and their wires are probably tangled. I still don't know what I want. Don't know who I am.

Before I write off, Let me leave you with one thought. "Are you...yes you....truly Happy?"

New Soul or Old Soul

2004-11-20T18:09:00.000+08:00

Many of you out there would disagree with what I'm going to write. Maybe you'll think I'm way whacked out of my mind. But I'm not. Don't take it personally, because this is only my point of view.

Have you ever wondered, what's your purpose living on this earth? I'm sure that thought have crossed many minds before. Well...it sure did cross mine. I've even thought about....am I here to help? To teach? To learn? To give or to take?

There's no answer to it. But I think to learn is more appropriate. Yes...life is a never ending learning experience. You meet one person and you learn from them. Despite him or her being evil, bitchy or bad. You learn never to become like them or never to do the same mistakes they did.

Someone said to me before. Every person that came into her life was like a book that she can learn from. The more friends she made, the more people she met, the wiser she became.

I find that very true. I look around me and realize that each and everyone is different in their own unique way. True...I get annoyed at some people and probably can't stand their actions or attitudes, but what makes them become this way? Do I ever want to become like them? Am I like them? No...if I can see the bad and negative side of the person....it only means that I should and shall never become that way.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I've my flaws. In fact, I've so many flaws its uncountable. I'm not even what you can call a decent human being right now. But I'm not afriad to say that I'm learning. I'm not sure if I'll succeed, but I will damn hell try my very best.

People come into your lives for a reason. Some might hurt you, some might step on you and some might give you joy. I've always felt that there is no point in being angry or holding a grudge agianst someone who said something bad about you or did something to hurt you. It doesn't do you any good. All you can do is vent out your anger by screaming, shouting and even shouting profinities at that person. But so what? What do you gain? Satisfaction or a bad case of sore throat and high blood pressure?

Sure....we need to vent out our anger....but if only we can transfer all that energy into something else. Something more useful. I know its difficult, and I'm not going to lie and tell you that I do not scream or shout when I'm angry. But if you see it this way, what goes around, comes around. The law of Retribution. It'll always be there.

I've learned that walking away from a fight and being the bigger person. You will feel so much lighter, and happier.

Judging someone without knowing that person first. Unfair? Of course it is. But everyone judges everyone. For instance, you walk on a street and you see this extremely huge or obese lady. I'm sure you'll say "DAMN...CHECK THE FAT ON THAT LADY!" or something along that line. Have you ever thought that as you judge someone, there is someone else out there who might be judging you as well? Give that a thought.

That's why. I hate judging people. I do not like thinking of someone other than they are not. So what if he or she looks bad? They're human like any of us. With feelings and emotions. Do they deserved to be talked down like that? Do you deserve to pass judgement on someone without looking at yourself first? Do you have the right to judge someone?

But then agian, I'm someone who don't give a two cent worth of my time to bad judgements passed on me. I really don't care what people say or think about me. I am who I am. If I allow people to get to me. To put me down and to make me feel any less than I am. Then I'm falling into their trap. In other words. Be confident and proud of who you are.

I always believe, if you can take a few minutes off your busy schedule and reflect upon yourself. Maybe....just maybe....people will be less selfish and ignorant.

I don't ask for anything from anyone. Just to leave me in peace and if there's something you want to say to me. Say it to me directly. If friendship is what you want, friendship is what you get. Because that is the only thing I, Amy can offer.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2004-11-16T23:08:00.000+08:00

There is not a single person in this world that is without a friend. Everyone has someone by their sides. No matter what color they are, how bitchy they are or how sickeningly perfect they are. They always have friends.

That is why we can never live through life without friends. Friendship is something to be cherished. Even more than a lover. Why? Because a boyfriend or girlfriend....well...they come and go. But Friends...they will always be by your side.

Through thick and thin. Best friends are hard to find. Friendship isn't made in a day. It's built slowly by trust. Just like an old oak tree. It grows strong and steadily for years and years to come.

Just like my mother and her best friend Aunty Jennifer. They've been friends since they were 16. I've sat through their stories of how they met, and how they went on dates, how they cried on each other shoulders when they broke up with their boyfriends, how they smiled at each other when they got married and how they shared tears of joy when their first born was brought into the world. Of course they bicker and argue, but in the end, when problem arises, the first person they will call is each other.

Who in the world would know you better than your best friend? She's the one who you'll go to when you get your heart broken or when you had a quarrel with your boyfriend. She'll be the one who you share coffee with, bitching about the girl who stole your boyfriend.

But sometimes, you're blinded by the gift of friendship. Especially when your head is buried so deep inside another guy that you start to neglect your best friend. Yes...sure, at that time He is the most important thing to you. The one that makes you happy...and blah blah blah...the whole shit.

You'll start to ignore the sadness in your friends eyes when you reject her calls or her invitation for a drink. You'll not hear the soft sigh she makes.

Then BANG! When the idiotic fool who made your head so fluffily high in the clouds breaks your heart, you run crying to her. You whine and cry about how he's an idiot and how much it hurts that he broke your heart.

You go on telling her that nobody loves you or cares about you as she gently strokes your hair and listens to your cries patiently.

Little by little, you become unblinded and then you'll finally see that even though there are many guys who broke your heart, there's one person who will never hurt you and that is your best friend.

When nobody is there to catch you when you fall, or to hold you when you need someone, she's always there. But most of all, when you feel that there isn't anyone who loves or care about you, all you have to do is pick up the phone and dial your best friend's number. Because, you'll then realize how lucky you are to have her in your life. By your side.

Freedom and Bad News

2004-11-10T21:42:00.000+08:00

Finally, all exam stress and assignments are over and done with. I really want to be happy. Truly, really and honestly. I was, at first. When I penned my last full stop, handed in my last paper, I was actually almost jumping with joy. Thinking to myself that my stressful days are over and I can now sleep, eat and just relax properly.

It wasn't until I got home when reality slap me hard in the face. Only then I realized that other than stress from studies, the road ahead of me is going to be long and bumpy.

I really can't say what my problems are but it's something that you never thought will befall upon you and your family. I don't know if I've the right to actually break down at this moment as I have to be strong and supportive.

As I read back my past entries, I realized how trivial all my problems sounded. I realized that exam stress, assignments headaches or even the lost of love isn't actually that bad. There are things way worst than that and never in my 21 years of life did I imagine I'll go through this.

Will things get better? I really don't know. God, I wished I knew. Sometimes, there are things that God can't even help and there are nobody else to give you a helping hand except yourself.

It came to the point where I feel so alone. I wished I had a sister or a brother share this burden and pain with. But unfortunately, I'm the only child and I've nobody to depend on except me and myself. I can't break down. No. I've to be strong for my parents sake.

But who can I turn too? I've never been good at expressing my feelings and never been comfortable voicing out my problems to anyone. Maybe because I always felt that in the end it's only me that can solve it. Maybe I don't ever want to depend or burden anyone else.

The only thing I've ever been good at is writing. Yeah. The only way I can express my thoughts and worries. I guess I never wanted symphaty or for someone to pity me. That's why I always kept everything inside.

It has now come to the point that I might have to dissapear for awhile till the problems is solved. Why do I have to go? This is my home.

I don't mean to sound so weak but I really never felt more alone that I feel today. It's been so long since I shed tears and I thought I've dried out. I guess I didn't. But I can only cry alone in the dark because doing that in front of my parents will only make them worry about me.

When situation like this occurs, you think to yourself what have you done to deserve this? Why is it that its only you that is suffering and not everyone else? Its not fair...

I really don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't even dare think what will happen in 2 days, or 2 months. I don't even know what will happen to me at that time.

It's amazing how when you really need someone right now, there isn't anyone left by your side. The friends you need are away or having problems of their own and I never like bothering people anyway.

I don't know what else to do now. I really don't. I'm so scared and worried about the problems that I'm so afriad that I've lost my footing and have fallen.

Only now I realize that there is nobody out there or someone to hug or cry with me except myself. But I'm used to it. Being alone...handling a problem by myself. This is just how life goes.

I hope the next time I blog a new entry, it'll be a happier one.

In No Mood to StUdY!

2004-11-09T17:24:00.000+08:00

One more day....ONE MORE DAY to FREEDOM....so peeps out there...be prepared to recieve calls from a totally bored Amy asking you to come out and accompany her...HAHAHAHAHAHA....*sees people running away and switching off their phones*

The worst thing is, tomorrow I've 2 papers to sit. Media Law and PR consultancy. The hardest paper this semester. Guess what? I haven't cracked the book. Everytime I look at the Media Law handbook, I just get so turned off. I even hid it under my pillows for an hour just so I don't feel guilty not having it staring back at me accussingly.

I really need to get back to studying. But the only time I can really study is at night. Like from 2 to 3 am. That's like when everything just suddenly gets absorbed in like a sponge. So, no sleep for me tonight!!!

Today I actually did quite alot of stuff. Accomplished many things. I finally went to get my passport made. Surprisingly, there wasn't anyone and I had it done in an hour. Then I took Cookie to the vet because she had an ear infection. Got to talking to this guy as we waited for the Vet to be done with 2 other cats. He had a beagle named Boo...isn't that cute? eheheh...The guy is really really nice and friendly. We talked for like half an hour and he even followed me into the doctor's room to help me hold Cookie. For that half an hour, I never once asked his name. HAHAHAH....what a mean person I am.

Anyway, before I left, he asked me for my name and I told him to call me Amy. Guess what his name is? Damien. Yes....Damien...the name that I really like and would name my son with (if i ever have one that is). I think he wanted to ask for my number, but my mom came and I had to get into the car.

I really liked his dog Boo...very very cute puppy. EHheHEhe...maybe one day I'll get a beagle too. FLoopy ears, sad eyes...makes you just want to permanently hug it and give him or her all the love you can.

I came home after the vet and only got to rest for about 2 hours and then Aunty Connie came and I went out for tea with her. She's always asking me if I had a boyfriend I've to always tell her no. When I say no, she will get funny ideas of match making me someone. *Drops Dead*

She needs to understand that I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYONE. GeEeEeEzEeE...I'm perfectly happy the way I am right now...ehhehe....it the guys she's gonna hook me up is anything like C.T. I'm screwed. But anyway, I told her thanks but no thanks. I can look for a guy myself when the time is right. For now, I love my freedom and the fact that I'm able to do whatever I want.

It's impossible for me to jump from the boiling pot into the frying pan right? Moreover, she was so funny when she mentioned my ex. She was staring at me to see if I was okay. Goodness....please....I was over him a long time ago!!!

I told her what I thought about relationships and some other stuff like guys. She was really surprised that at my age, I was able to think that way. But she told me not to be such a stubborn minded person because I'll end up like her. Not getting married and finding a man that she can love full heartedly.

Well, you know what they say. Once bitten, twice shy. But I believe, you learn from mistakes and you just get smarter and stronger. Who knows...maybe one day, I'll be ready to open myself up to that prince charming of mine. Let's just hope he's not a frog!!!!

Blogging in the Lab

2004-11-08T14:01:00.000+08:00

I'm bored. Life Sucks majorly and I had such a freaking bad day. NOT FUNNY. Need to go freaking bath in flower water to get rid of the bad luck.

Today, was my exam day! Last night I didn't even get proper sleep, waking up in the middle of the night for no particular reason. I wonder why? Anyway, this morning, I woke up late, so I was rushing around. Just as I drove to the petrol station to feed my car, It stalled!!!! Blardy hell....the battery was dead.

Thank God my dad hasn't left for work and I called him to come get me. In the end I had to call Debbie and Oscar to come save my ass and pick me up. We arrived at the exam hall about half an hour late. But luckily, I managed to finish my paper in one hour because it was pretty simple. Great for someone who didn't blardy study at all.

Well, not to sound really selfish and all, but I'm glad I'm not alone in this. It seems that all my friends are basically having a sucky weekend as myself. Ugh...what on earth is wrong with this month? Not like it started off great or anything. It started off BAD and now it seems to be getting worst.

DECEMBER please come quickly. I really am waiting for a change of luck and for something to actually happy to look forward too. SUCKY MONTH I TELL YA!!! NOVEMBER SHOOOOOOo!!!!

Not only is the aircond in the lab freaking cold and is trying to freeze me to death, I'm tired, cranky and hungry! Yes, I totally forgot to feed my tummy dinner, breakfast and lunch.

BUT....being Amy and all....I shall look at the brighter side of things. After wednesday, I'm going to be as free as a bird!!! YES YES YES!!!!! I can finally take my rest, and no more exams, no more assignments, no more paper due stress. If I hear the word 'copyright', 'law' and 'client brief' one more time, I SWEAR I'm going to check myself in a mental institution. But then agian....it's not like I'm not already bouncing off the walls.

I really doubt things can get any worst. Wait...maybe it can. Sigh....'quarter life crisis'....when on earth is things going to get better!!! HELLO....I'm getting slightly impatient here......VERY actually....

OKIE OKIE...POSITIVE THINKING. No more negative thoughts. I need to hype myself up. Yeah....Woman Power....*bleah* (I bet the guys are laughing their heads off and rolling their eyes). I do not care. I like okie?

Something is seriously wrong with me. Feeling really anti-social these past days. I rather just lock myself in my room and just chill. It's not like I've tons to do. But I just don't feel like facing anyone right now. I feel like shit. Yeah....ugly, fat and drained. Need to rejuvenate and then go face the world looking and feeling confident.

HmMmM...maybe I need some choccies for comfort? NOOOOO.....CALORIES....(sounding more like a bimbo). You know, my mind is so cluttered right now. All the freaking law terms. I HATE HATE HATE MEDIA LAW. I HATE LAW. PERMANENTLY.

Thank God I didn't listen to my aunty and persue Law or I'll just die. I'll hang myself and just freaking die. Imagine having to learn all the terms, the remedies and stuff. Blardy boring idiotic stuff. I can't believe my cousin can stand being a lawyer. Wait....she is complaining about it. HAHAH....ah well....the grass is always greener on the other side right? Money is good right?

But Money ain't everything. It's essential. But not everything. You can't buy happiness, you can't buy love, you can't buy health. OKIE OKIE...basically, you can. BUT it's not real!!!! Really...its not.....I rather be poor and be in love than to be rich and be in love. I rather love a poor, humble guy than a rich, idiotic bastard. Yeah...that's me....so what? I like okie....shoot me.

However, right now, I don't give a shit about anything. I'm angry at the whole world. Seriously. I'm getting really pessimistic and bitchy. NOT GOOD. I really am begining to hate myself for being to nice and allowing myself to be stepped on.

I wished I was really more mean and learn how to say 'no' and how to push people I can't stand away. Or maybe tell them in the face that they suck. Nah.....I can't. I can't even express my feelings properly. How am I going to express hate anyway?

*bitching session...so becareful*

Like this Bitch. I really can't freaking stand her no more. I have to avoid a bitch like her. Seriously, she's freaking screwing up my mind. That dumb bitch in denial. She really needs to grow up, look in the mirror and realize what a screwed up person she is. Puh-lease. You need to know how to be a bitch before you self-proclaim yourself to be the Mother of all Bitches. Really....she disgust me to the maximum. Her attitude and the way she does things.....*shakes head* This kind of human beings should just be dissapear from the face of earth. So full of herself and over confident. There's a certain extent to being confident. She's taking it over the limit. Thinking she's so god-damn beautiful with all the guys falling at her feet. OH GWAD....that really really makes me sick. Stupid Bitch in Denial. GoShHhH....always thinking she's right. Always thinking that she's the best person and EVERYONE loves her, looks up to her and adores her. She needs a real hard reality check!!!!I really really HATE HER.

BUt....I'm going to let it be. RETRIBUTION. I highly, truly believe in that!!!! I shall continue being nice to her. Treat hate with love and evil with kindness right? Yeah....so...end of the bitching session. Toodles.

BBQ PIGGIE

2004-11-05T11:53:00.000+08:00

*Disclaimer...please do not read on if you're not in the mood for loads of insulting, swearing and sarcasm.*

Right now, if I was a piggie, I'll be ready to be eaten.BARBEQUE PORK. Yeah...crispy and well done. Why? Because I'm so angry...that I'm boiling so hot inside that I'm so surprised that there's no steam coming out from my nostrils and ears yet.

One thing for sure is that I really hate feeling this way. I don't like feeling so frustrated and full of hate. I tried to go to my so-called 'Happy Place' but it's not working.

Okay, let's get started. This is in connection with my previous post. Yesterday, I recieved a phone call from my best friend. I was half asleep when she called and I almost panicked when I picked up the phone and heard her voice. I instantly knew that something was wrong. She sounded as if she was crying but also...very out of it. I asked her what was wrong and she went on rambling about how she can't take it anymore. How she was suffering so badly and wanted to pain to go away.

The next sentence she told me made me jump out of bed, grab my car keys and drive like a freaking maniac to her house. She tried to swallow some of her mother's sleeping pills.

Thank goodness her maid was home and let me in. I ran up the stairs and found her in her room on her bed crying. Thank God that she chickened out and I found the pills at the foot of her bed. I had the urge to flush it down the toilet but I was afriad her mother would be needing it.

I hugged her and asked her to calm down. She said that she can't eat, sleep or even do anything anymore without thinking of the bastard. She was suffering so badly and really didn't want to continue living life like this anymore. It's not that she wanted to be this way, but she can't help it. She loved him too much.

Deep down, I was really angry. So angry at the fact that this asshole actually did this to my friend. He didn't deserve to be loved by her. He didn't deserved to live as well. A jerk like him should just burn in hell for all I care. I wished I was a guy, strong enough to punch him in the face and do permanent damage to his face.

But then agian, violence isn't going to solve anything. The best thing is to ignore this low-life and just move on with life. I told her that she shouldn't do this to herself. It was not worth it. She's still young and there are many many guys out there to meet and one day, she'll find someone who will love and cherish her more than ever.

She said she tried to let go. But it was too difficult. She cried and begged me to take the pain away. Seeing my friend that way, just made me break down and cry as well. Not for the bastard, but for the pain and suffering she was going through. I wished I could...take the pain away. But I can't. It's something she had to do by herself.

I told her, if I had one wish right now, it'll be to make her stop loving him. I asked her what good does she see in that bastard. He was a useless, un-educated wannabe who is so full of himself and thinks that he can get any girl that he wants. A player with no looks or money. I'm sure he put all the player's name to shame.

She didn't know why she loved him as well. She just did. Who am I to question her anyway? I know what she meant. When you love someone, you're blinded to all his bad points and all see the goodness in him. What they say is true, Love is blind.

I don't know how long I sat there, just hugging her as she cried her eyes out. It's amazing how one can produce so much tears and not go dry. Unlike me, I dried out a long time ago. But who knows....maybe one day I'll cry for a guy agian. Never say never right?

She held onto me as if I was her lifeline. I can actually feel her pain and I know there's nothing I can do except be there for her. The only person who can stop the pain unfortunately is him and herself.

Finally, after a few hours, she begged me to call him. Maybe it was one last desperate plea. She wanted to know if he still cared for her. I really didn't want to call him. I said it was pointless because I knew in the end, she's going to hurt even more.

But she begged and begged and who am I to say no? I called him and told him that she tried to end her life for him. Guess what was his answer? His answer made me want to kill someone.

"That's not my problem anymore. Who ask her to be so stupid?"

Yup...that was his f***ed answer. I was so angry, I was speechless. I slammed down the phone and couldn't talk for a few seconds. Well...you know how I am. When you want to get Amy angry, make her angry beyond words. If not, get ready for some sarcasm and cruel words to be hurled at you. He did excatly that. Made me soooo angry I thought I was about to burst.

She asked me what he said. How was I suppose to tell her? I just told her he was busy and can't talk. I can't hurt her anymore and she's in such a fragile state.

I really wanted to shake her by the shoulders, slap her and ask her to wake up. To stop hurting and doing this to herself. I'm so worried about her. So worried that she'll end her life for a measly low life.

I stayed with her until she fell asleep and when I was about to leave, I bumped into her mother. Her mother was dead worried about her and we had a long chat. In the end, her mother decided to send her to San Fransico by next week to stay with her older sister. To get her out of the country and to get the bastard out of her mind. She wanted to get me a ticket too. But I can't.

I told her mother to call me if anything goes wrong and left. I think the mother took her to Singapore today. I hope everything is alright.

When things like that happen, it just makes me question about the whole 'love' thing agian. I really, truly don't want to lose hope in guys or love. But when things like these happens right in front of you, you start to wonder.

Wonder if 'true love' do exists? I grew up believing in love and I don't want to stop believing. But so far...it has nothing but a big dissapointment.

I might look strong on the outside, but maybe I do need someone to save me as well. Someone to hug me and tell me that everything will be alright and that there's still hope out there.

I don't want to end up being bitter and scornful towards love. I don't want to be a skeptic or a pessimist. I want to believe. But it's so hard!!!

It seems that there's only hurt and pain instead of happiness and joy. I know not all guys are bastards....and that there are still a handful of great guys out there. But really....don't you realize that all good guys ends up with really screwed up girls and really honest, sweet girls ends up with real assholes?

SigHhH...maybe its time for me to actually learn how to love myself more than actually putting too much attention into my friend's problems. Sometimes, a person has to be selfish right? But then agian...that's not me....I tend to put myself last in everything. Even love.

This is depressing. I don't feel anger anymore, only dissapointment. Where's my savior when I need him? At times like these, I really need someone even though I keep on telling myself that I don't. I should really stop being in denial.

But I'm afriad. Coz if I face my true self. I won't be as strong anymore. The bricks I've started to put up to protect me will come crumbling down. Then I'll be vulnerable agian. I'll be weak agian. Then at that time...there won't be anyone to save me.

Happy Halloween!!

2004-10-31T21:46:00.000+08:00

Hah! Me and my best friend came to a conclusion. Love is full of B.S. Honestly...it is.

Think about it this way. Is there such thing as true love? NO...it's all a lie. A conspiracy made by the movie and music industry to create hopeless romantic like us to spend money. BlEaHhHhHhhhHh.....

Come on...one day all of us are going to wake up and then realize that Nothing...and I mean...Nothing lasts forever.

Being in love, having a crush on someone. It'll all evaporate one day. The only love that is substantial is the love for family and friends. That is why...I treat all my friends with love. I care for them and I'll always be there for them.

I give up. Yeah...until someone can actually prove to me that True love exists. Then....I will swallow my words and take it back. For now...I'm a true skeptic.

I hate to be such a pessimist but my best friend and I actually did realize a few things as we sipped our tea in starbucks for at least 4 hours just mindlessly chatting.

I don't want to be bias and say all guys...but MOST guys are really jerks. They're all really nice on the outside. Sweet, caring, funny, smart...and the list goes on. But inside that little minds of theirs, lies this really screwed up, evil self which has their own cruel intentions.

If a guy were to like a girl...what really does he like her for? Her beauty? That's shallow. Her personality? Isn't that boring? How about I just go out and put it on the table. They probably am thinking about getting her into bed or probably just using her.

I'm not saying this based on nothing. It's proven!!! I've seen it done. Done to my friends and UgHhHhH...it's pissing me off!!!

First off all, girls have feelings too. Of course when guys tend to use them, they do get hurt. But I highly believe in Retribution. Yes. He will be on the hurting end one day.

Gosh...I'm so angry!!!I hate it when someone hurt my friends. Be it a guy or girl. But from what I've seen, it's always the girl who gets hurt or played. Never the guys. My guy friends...well, if they want to play with a girl or even hurt a girl. I don't really care because it's basically none of my business and its their life. So whatever things they do out there, I will never judge them. But I'll always just tell them to think before they do something. Especially when there's another human being feelings involved.

That's why I'm staying away from GUYS...they are nothing but trouble. BIG TROUBLE!!! I've given up on wanting to find someone I can care for and stuff. Why? Because I can give extra care to a friend without even expecting anything back. This is because solid friendship is more substantial.

Imagine having a boyfriend. Once you break up...there he goes, out of your life. Isn't it better if he was a friend? Then he'll always remain in your life.

Sure, sometimes it'll get lonely. You will yearn for someone to hold you or to hold, to be with you, to care for you and stuff like that. But trust me. You can get all this from a friend.

If i had the ability to actually make the culprit feel the same way the other party feels. MaNnNn...I'm so sure that the world will be a better place to be in.

Do I have a crush on someone right now? Am I in love with anyone right now? Even if I am. I give up. It's all out the window. I'm going to put all the love and attention on myself and my friends. They deserve it more than just one measely guy.

I sound like an angry spinster. I do not particularly care. If you saw the tears one guy can make a girl cry and the situation he put her in. You will probably want to hang him by his b***z on a lampost.

I will never allow myself to get hurt anymore. I made that decision a long time ago. You learn from the past.

Dang...this is a freaking man dominating world. Why is it that when men cheat on their other half, it's alright? But when a woman do that, she's called a slut and will be shunned by the society? Same goes with playboys....the more they score in bed, the more heroic he's seen among his peers. A girl do that...HAH....don't even mention it. How about the fact that in some religion, a man can have multiple wives? How about woman? Why can't they have multiple husbands as well? GEEZE....

Honestly, why on earth can't someone be more humane? Really...why can't we humans stop hurting each other?

I never believed in heaven or hell. Why? Because what we're living in is already hell itself. Happy Halloween peeps!

Boiling Rage and Stressed Out

2004-10-26T14:03:00.000+08:00

It's official. Uncle Lim is out there to kill all his students!!! Money-sucking-frog-face-ugly-hair Idiot!!!

It's all his fault that all of us in the Degree semester are dying. You want to differentiate us from the other students? Easy. Eye bags, Messy hair, Pasty complexion and unironed clothes. Of course, not forgetting the tired looking face and scuffling of feet because we're unable to walk properly.

WHY? Because he started our semester 2 freaking weeks later than it was suppose to, cutting down our weeks to only 14 instead of 16 like we're supposed to. Thus resulting in assignments rush!!!

I've 3 presentations, 3 research papers due in one FREAKING WEEK!!!! This can only send me swearing and cursing at the hair-implants money sucker who is so inconsiderate to any of his students except for sucking their parents money dry.

This is not education!! This is pure TORTURE!!!!

When this happens, it results us to falling sick. Can you imagine? I've been sick for more than a week! Fever, Sore throat, Gastric, Flu, allergy attacks....nose bleed....what else? Food poisoning...and more fever. I thought I was weak. But I found out that most of my friends are sick as well. This is the result of insufficient sleep and stressful nights.

Our nightly routine consists of only less than 4 hours of sleep. Sometimes, I even forget to eat my lunch and dinner. Right now, my nose is as huge as Bozo the Clown's and as red as Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. BLARDY HELL!!!

I really can't take this anymore. There are times when I just want to throw all the stupid assignments in a fire and watch in glee as it burn up in flames. Burn dreaded papers..BURN!!!

And when you're stressed out, sick and have not enough sleep, it just leads to grumpiness and your patience limit shortens about 70%.

I don't bitch...in person. Really. I don't. BUT...this is my blog and I'm allowed to freaking type whatever I want right?!?

There's this woman in denial. No names should be mention. I can be sued for Defamation you know.

Anyway, this woman...she's a good friend. Really. But HONESTLY! There are times when I CAN'T FREAKING STAND HER!!!

I wish I was brave enough to freaking tell her in the face that she's not all she think she is.

Can you stand someone who wants to be praised all the time? And if let's say the 2 of us went out and someone sorts of give me a compliment. She'll expect something as well. EXAMPLE:

Friend 1: Hey, Amy...you look naturally pink today...nice nice.
Me : Really??? Thanks.
Woman in denial: Alot of people say I'm naturally pink too. Even when I'm not wearing a blusher.

BLEAH!! Get the idea? It doesn't only happen one time. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!!!

Also, she thinks she freaking RIGHT all the time!!! Of course she feels great when everyone dotes on her and looks up to her. COME ON!!! The advices she gives....can be given by a 3 year old!

There's not a humble bone in her body. Whenever we have a conversation. Somehow or another, she'll talk about herself or relate everything to her. Why does everything have to revolve around her?

I hate to be so brutally honest. But she ain't that pretty. She doesn't even look mix like she claims to be. She just look....plain. That's it. Maybe she needs to get a new mirror. Not the cheap one that distorts your face. If not, i'll just give her mine. Free of charge. Mine is great coz it sorts of points out that there are pimples on my face and fat in my body. Maybe her's doesn't.

If she just takes a few second to sit down and self-reflect. She'll realize why she doesn't have many friends in reality and how no guys dare ask her out (fear of listening her brag). In some ways, i really pity her...but in some...I JUST DON'T CARE.

I'm usually a very patient person. But i really can't take her for awhile. Maybe i'll just block her out. I'm too bz to entertain all her self-praising anyway. Sigh....people.....

A Whirlwind Hurricane of thoughts

2004-10-22T18:50:00.000+08:00

Given the chance, I would just throw everything away and freaking hop on the next flight to God-knows-where for a freaking holiday. I'm so tired! Assignments, presentation, classes...are all bogging me down. I'm so convinced that the University is out there to kill all final year students. Hang them by the throat and then watch in glee as we drop like flies one by one.

Every single day! Every single week!!!! ASSIGNMENTS DUE...PRESENTATION DUE!!! Trust me...I'm going mad!!!

The worst thing is. Even when we fall sick, we have to haul our asses to class and hand in our work just in case they'll mark us down.

I'm having the worst case of food poisoning. Yeah yeah yeah...my fault for being a little too lazy to cook and instead grab the two dumplings in the fridge which was there for the past 2 weeks (which i didn't know) and ate it. What did it result in? This...a worn down, feverish, pukish and sickly Amy.

Honestly, its amazing what I do to myself. Bumping my head on the computer table, hitting my knee on the bed, cutting my finger accidently. I love myself to much. Now, to top it off, I'm poisoning myself.

I guess I need someone to love me before I torture myself. HhAHHAhaH...darn...has anyone been any more klutzy and blur as I am?

I really need to take a vacation. A long one. Where nobody can find me or nobody knows me. Maybe Timbuktoo isn't such a bad idea eh? I'm so sick of K.L. Don't get me wrong, I'm not full of hatred or despise for my country. It's just that I want a new breathe of fresh air. I want to experience something new. I want to meet different people. I want to do different things. I want to see different things.

Maybe I need some excitment in my boring and redundant life. I need surprises...I need someone who just randomly picks me up and drag me to a brand new, undiscovered place.

People say I'm a confused soul. I don't really know what I want....it's true. I'm lost. I guess I need someone to help me find back my path. I'm lost with what I really want to do and I'm lost with my choices of guys. Arghh...I think too much sometimes....maybe it's best to dump me in a forest and let me be with all the baboons.

I remembered, someone asked me this question. "Are you really, truly happy in life?" Am I? I mean....i don't have any complaints. I'm contented with what i have. But am I really happy? What is happiness anyway?

But hey...I'm the kind of person who doesn't think for myself and instead more for the people around me. If they're happy...so am I.

Then, he proceeded to ask me this question. "Who is the real Amelia? Who is she?" I looked in the mirror and I can't seem to reply. Who am I really?

I need help.......or maybe I need to find myself agian........find that lost soul in the city so big.....

How do you know if you're right or wrong?

2004-10-12T10:56:00.000+08:00

Once agian, let me repeat this. Human beings are actually too smart for their own good. Because each of us are different and unique in our own ways, there are bound to be clashes of thoughts and ideas.

When this happens, how would you know if your decision or what you're fighting for is actually right or wrong? Just like, how do you know if America's decision to bomb Iraq is right?

How would you know, if the guy you're in love with is right or wrong for you? How would you know if the guy sitting opposite you is actually your fated one?

Life is full of questions...and I especially hate the 'what if' questions. What if I've done that? What if I've choosen that? There'll be no 'what ifs' if we just seize the day and go for it right?

I don't ever wish to regret about something major in life. Take for example. I don't ever want to wake up one day thinking, 'What if I've done this differently? Would my life be different?' Heck....the choice is in my hands. To choose the path I would walk on...if it leads to a dead end, great! At least I've tried and tested it. No sleepless nights of 'What ifs'.

Same goes with relationships. Its a major risk to take don't you think? I mean, nothing is guaranteed in life. There's definately no guarantee in love as well. People fall in love fast and then fall out of love faster too....

But then....choosing the right guy or girl is the most difficult task of all right? First off, you need enough chemistry to supply enough electricity to the entire city. Secondly, you need to have the same interest and at least be able to talk to each other for hours without feeling bored or going short on topic.

However, if we were to scruntinize and pick on every single thing in a girl or guy, just wait till you're 80 to get into a relationship.....by then, you'll be done evaluating all the eligible guys in the country.

Maybe that's why we have flirts, playa's and sluts. In some ways, I don't blame them for being that way. They probably have their own reasons for playing with other people's feelings. But of course, I don't condone it. It's very wrong to hurt someone of the opposite sex or lead them on. Although your own feelings is not involved, someone else's is...and sometimes, I don't know how people can sleep easy at night knowing that they've hurt someone deeply out there.

I don't think I can ever be fake...what you see is what you get. I'm a simple person who treats everyone around me sincerely and honestly. If I like you, then you'll know it...but if i don't...i'll just avoid you like the plaque....

Am I a nice person? Am i always doing the right thing or not? I wouldn't know? Up till now? I think I've been a moderate, decent human being......I think...But I might be wrong....You be the judge of it

Spinning Room and Watery Nose.

2004-10-09T02:03:00.000+08:00

It's a wonder how I managed to make myself fall sick after a long time. Yes, the dreaded flu hit me when I wasn't expecting it.

I hate it. My eyes becomes red and puffy, I start having a sneezing fit and the whole room starts spinning because of the slight fever that has fallen upon me. THIS SUCKS!!!

The worst part is, my nose feels as if someone had turned on an inmaginary tap and forgot to turn it off. I guarantee that by tomorrow, my nose will swell twice its size and starts to peel (Moisturizer to the rescue!!!).

I guess it's true then. Lack of sleep and a good rest really makes your body immune system go haywire. But hey...that's why clarinaze is good. I popped two pills and fell asleep watching 'Malaysian Idol' (yes yes yes...finals okay!).

You know how it feels when you're so tired that your body just shuts down and you feel as if you're falling into this black hole so deep that it actually hurts your head? That's how I felt. Okay, my head didn't hurt that badly. But it felt so heavy that it was impossible to move and I felt immobilize.

Anyway, sufficient water and sleep has gotten me up and going agian. Yup. It's 2:12 am right now as I sit in front of my laptop, typing this incoherant words onto my blog.

Somewhere and somehow through my deep sleep, I managed to pick up a phone call by my long lost friend, Leonard. I think I mummbled something and went back to sleep before I actually said goodbye. Sorry Leo!!!! Make it up to you next time.

Why am I blogging about my running nose? Don't ask me why. I've not a single clue to it. I'm bored....so shoot me. *BleAh*

Oh goodness me....I just realized the amount of tissue I've used....SOrry trees!!! I promise I'll plant a few more to make it up to the decreasing greenary in our world which is causing us to experience global warming.

My mind is everywhere right now. That's why I feel the need to blog. I need to get it all out (right Krist?). Cluttered mind = sleepless nights.

Anyway, thanks Krist, for talking to me as I drove back. You made me realize some stuff. I've thought about it and I finally came to a decision to not think about it. Get what I mean? ehehhe.....

Fluctuating emotions is not a very good sign I suppose. PMS? Who knows? Maybe...because the fact that I've been getting quite prissy and irritated by people is definately not because of the weather.

This is terrible. It's Friday night and I'm sitting at home, with a swollen nose and a slight fever with only my teddy as my companion. Sigh...this is sad...why is it when you need someone to be next to you, there isn't anyone at all?

ArgHHh...forget it....I get really 'babyish' when I'm sick. So What? I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a big baby who sometimes needs big huggies!!! *pHbBtTtPP*

You know, I really think the flu is clogging up my brains. I'm thinking silly and probably am acting a little silly. Yes yes...blame it on the flu. But somehow in the depth of my sleep, I managed to dream. What did I dream? I can't remember...it's a fuzzy memory to me now. But I do know it's something really weird....something to do with matchbox cars?! *sCrAtcHEs HeAd*

Oh Gawd...I'm loosing it!!!Someone....anyone...Save me!!!! Please???

Juvenile Ways

2004-10-07T16:59:00.000+08:00

Friday was officially a day where Oscar, Zairyn was whirled into the vortex, bringing us back to our high school days.

Let's see....Oscar seemed to be extremely high on that day, nick-naming Lily, Alien. He has never met her before!!! First time as well...and why he called her Alien? Because she never heard of 'Puzzle Bubble'...yes...yes....*shakes head*

Okay, enough about that. Let's get down to the real scoop of my topic today. In Media Law Class, we were feeling extremely bored. And of course, we were kind of afraid of Justin Victor who is a real bastard by the way. The worst thing is, we can't rebutt anything or get on his wrong side because he is one hell of a smart Indian Bastard.....yup....I hate him....he's annoying....

Anyway, we decided to be good kids and sit in the class just listening to Rajini (new lecturer who replaced Hakimah who we got fired btw) lecturer. Honestly, there's a limit to hand actions, head actions and 'yeh?' i can take! Gosh...I was watching an Hindi movie in action alright.....

Let's not start getting racists or bias here. Sensitive subject. *BleAh*. So, Justin Victor said he had to leave class to attend another class and called Rajini out, saying he wanted to speak to him for a second. I turned to Oscar and asked, "You want to make like a banana and split?"

He said, "Can we? What if Justin comes back? And is our attendance taken?"

Zairyn said, "Yeah, i saw him tick our attendance already."

So the three of us, looked at each other, gathered our bags and books and ran out of the class like the wind!

Since we had to see another lecturer about our internship, we stopped by the office first only to find out she wasn't there and wasn't going to be back till 5:45 pm. It was only 3:30 pm then.

We walked back towards the other campus, and decided to use the corridoor leading to where my car was park.

Guess what? I saw Justin in the other end of the corridoor and straight went "SHIT!" turned around and tried to walk casually away.

I think at that time, Oscar and Zairyn turned around at the same time and the minute we were out of sight, Oscar made a mad dash to the other side and Zairyn and I were still walking casually. It wasn't until she said, "AMELIA, RUN!! HE CAN SEE US!!!" only did it register and we dashed down the steps.

We met Oscar near the stairs to the carpark and we just burst out laughing! I mean, we haven't done this ever since high school when we were escaping from the discipline teacher. Never in our lives we thought we would be running away from a lecturer in UNIVERSITY!!!

Oscar pointed out that my reaction was so quick!It was like, "Shit...turn around...walk...run!" Yeah....I got my practice back in high school when my friends and I roamed the school and walk in late for class. I'll be on the look out for teachers as they're abit blur. I'm good at spotting them...eheheh...

Gosh...we laughed till we cried. Well, it was funny when you're in that situation. It was obvious Justin saw us! Oh man...i can't wait till next Monday when he sees us. We are so going to get our heads chopped!!!

Anyway, Bonita suggested I do the evil test...and TA-DA! here's my result!:

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's" Inferno Hell Test

Gosh....me? Evil? Impossible right?!?! *HeHEheHEHeh...*

Fairytales&Childhood

2004-10-04T02:08:00.000+08:00

Fairytales...yes....we grew up reading them, listening to them and also watching them. Come on, who doesn't want to be the beautiful heroine who rides off in the sunset with her prince charming and live happily ever after?

My childhood days was filled with all these fairytales...(no wonder I'm such a hopeless romantic). I recalled sitting in front of the TV with a bowl of ice cream, watching Disney cartoons. I loved Disney! Imagine a 5 year old crying while watching 'Dumbo'...yes...I simply adored that darling elephant with its big ears. I can even remembered how I bawlled my eyes out when Dumbo went to see his mother....*blardy hell...they shouldn't do this to kids!!!*

But I honestly missed all the cartoons in my days (sound like an old fart). Why don't they make cartoons like they used too?!?! For example, Thundercats...now...please someone tell me...WHO DOESN'T LOVE THUNDERCATS? Gosh...I even had that sword and I ran around prancing with a cape and swinging my sword screaming "THunder...thunder...thunder CATS!!!"

Yup...my dad regretted getting me that sword...eheheh...oh...and how I loved Carebears, My little pony, strawberry shortcake, rainbow starr....gosh...and many many more!!!

Geeze....I really wished I was a kid agian...okie...I'm still a kid at heart, acting like I'm browsing through the shelves in Toy's R us for a kid but actually I'm playing with the toys and gadgets for myself.

I even saw that Carebear stuff toy which I'm so going to get one day!!! It even sings and talks! So adorable!!!

OH oH oHhHh...HOW CAN I FORGET SMURFS?!?! okie...have you guys ever wondered that....why is it that there's only one female smurf? How do they multiply? I mean....okei okie....I better stop here....shall not go futher with the multiplying and stuff...ehheeh

Why the sudden trip down memory lane? Because today I was cleaning up the guest room and I found all my toys....also...a whole box of my old Barbie dolls! I forgot all about them...so I abandoned cleaning up the room and loose myself in Barbie land...Gosh...barbie can still fit into her dresses!!! And I forgot all about the ice maker, the bathtub that makes bubbles....the hospital...the refridgerator...OhHh MaNnN!!! I WANT TO BE A KID AGIAN!!!

I had such a happy and wild childhood....I think I actually went through phases...the tomboy, daredevil phase and then back to girlie Barbie dolly phase....Weird huh?

Just like my childhood buddy who finally bumped into me after god-knows how long actually said that he's glad that I actually turned out feminine...he thought I would grow up being a tomboy.....

Oh yeah, and my mom will never let me forget when Alicia and I were 4 and we were playing in my house when I decided to be a hairstylist and chopped off her hair...

The weird thing is, Alicia and I don't remember a single thing but boy...when they visit us from Melbourne each year, its a must for our parents to bring that up, embarass me and just crack up like nutcrackers!!!

Sigh...being a grown up is no fun...I really miss the carefree days where I was let loose around the neighbour hood....having my friends over to play in my house...

It's amazing that when we grow up, we grow apart....and today...the guys i used to play with can't look at me in the eye anymore....I wonder why? Must be because I saw them in their worst state and bowl haircuts before...ahhahahahaha....

Okie...it's like 2:45 in the morning now, and I haven't got a proper nights sleep in days. I shall now head of to my own little fairytale land. I love dreaming you know....coz in dreams...you own everything...For example, i can dream of Koyama, Keita, Jin, Nino, Morita, Miyake....and they'll belong to me....ahhahahaha....Geeze....this is what happens when there's lack of sleep...I start bouncing off the walls!!!

Don't Shoot Me Pls!

2004-09-29T20:23:00.000+08:00

Okie....my ulcer still hurts. *BlEaH* why oh why is this happening to me? It's almost a week!!!! Go away already...go bug someone else...

You know what? I'm in such a bitching mood today....I'm actually feeling very angry about something but it's so not worth polluting my blog with the situation or even that asshole's name. Really....maybe most of you will know who I'm talking about...go check out his friendster's page...and you'll understand....

But guess what? I wish him happiness...really! Like Oscar said to me, he doubts that this asshole is really happy at all...and apparently, if he was me...he'll be cursing death upon him.

Nahhhh....no point....as I said before...retribution comes upon those who does bad...but boy...sometimes...I feel like going on a revenge rampage...ahhaha....I mean...I can do it...but I don't want too. There's no point. What's the use? I'm happy now...and that's the best thing I can let him see. Me being Happier without him...and one day....I'll find my prince who is wayyyyy better than him....at least more educated!!! ahahah...

Gosh...what was I doing with a college drop out who sells pirated cds by the road side? HONESTLY what the hell was I thinking? God...

Okie...enough Amy...enough...let's move on to something else. Class was a total *snore* in the morning....Liy and I actually ended up taking pictures and having a conversation on paper...ehhehe....

Lunch time came at 11:30....we sat at the plaza like idiots just trying not to fall asleep...thank Goodness Kristo came to my rescue!!! YaY!! We went for a drink nearby...*hey Krist...if you're reading this...we should do this more often yah!!!* Our little gossip session....about you-know-who....*rolls eyes* <----refer to FIRST POST....Mr.Short Tongue...

Went back to Uni...got to class...got into a group of four...me, oscar, liy and Pras...Debbie gatecrashed our class!! eheheh....we were supposed to be having some kind of discussion...but you know....put us together and that's it....we end up talking about something else...laughing our heads off...and become total idiots!

Really Oscar...what's with the "what's up...m**ha f***er?* Really....the black culture....just not you okie...and PLEASE STOP WITH YOUR ANACONDA 2 THINGY!!!! So butch lah!!!! *PiaK*

But we had fun....so much fun!!!! I came home....came online for awhile...talked to Bonita...girl...hurry up and get your ass here!! There's so much to talk and bitch about...so much to do...we'll go on a rampage in KL...we'll make all the yuppies swoon and drop at our feets!!! HAhahHAh...now...isn't that tempting enough?

After that...I went to bed...yes....cozy little bed was calling my name....so I snuggled under the covers....closed the window and *poof* my room went pitch black...lit up some candles...played some Enya...and fell asleep....

Perfect setting i tell ya!! Untill my mobile rang!! Mr. BONG!!! Goshh....he knows me too well...first thing he said was. "AMELIA...WAKE UP YOU LAZY GIRL!!" ahhahaah....

Now...I'm just wasting my time...doing mindless test...apparently...I'm only 28% evil...proven...I'M AN ANGEL!! hahahahahah....I tried answering this 48 question survey...and guess whut? It got wiped out! DAMN...i spent like 20 minutes on it!!!! *&#*$*!!!

Okie...tomorrow....9 o'clock class for me agian...let's see how many hours of sleep i can get tonight....especially when it's MOVIE NIGHT AT OSCAR'S!!!

Sleeping Angel @ PiGgIE's incoherant ramblings...

2004-09-28T21:51:00.000+08:00

*SnOoReE*...gosh...I've been like asleep for the whole entire day!!! I think my body has finally shut down and is trying to catch up on the sleep I've been missing out the past 2 weeks.

I slept more than 12 hours straight and then in the afternoon, I even had time to take a nap...and guess what? I'm still SLEEPY!!!

Have you ever woke up feeling disoriented? Well...I did...I woke up and for a moment...I went blank...that lasted for about 5 minutes. I almost couldn't remember my own name! I looked in the mirror and I was like....eh? Geezeeee....that's pretty freaky!!!

Man....how I wished I can just continue to sleep and sleep and sleep and then wait for my prince charming to come kiss me and then ride off in the sunset and life happily ever after? Dang....reality sure is harsh!!!

The only prince charming would probably be some pimply, bad breathed kid who wants to get lucky...*blEaH* I tell you...if i ever succeed in becoming a writer one day, I'm going to stop with all those handsome, perfect prince. I want to tell all the kids in the world that, it's all lies!!! Wake up!!! Smell the roses!!! There are no such thing as GOD-DAMN PRINCE CHARMING!!! It's all an illusion...yes...an illusion.

SiGhHh....BUT....I still want to believe in fairytales. I still want to have fantasies...and I still am waiting for that one guy to sweep me off my feet.Is that why i keep on writing love stories? Is that why I've my nose permanently buried in happy ending novels?

Yeah....why? Because I'm yet to find my happy ending...but hey....I'm taking my own sweet time...I'm only 21 anyway...I've still years to go...and heck...to find that one 'perfect' guy....it takes time....you know...screen through your choices....HAHAHAHH....*shakes head* gosh...this is what too much sleep does to my brain....permanently make it stagnant...thinking of nonsens....

Darn...my ulcer is freaking annoying me. Not only has it gotten bigger...it's really painful!!! I tried salt...savlon....even that chinese herbal medicine....IT STILL HURTS!!!!! *sob sob*

Enough about my dumb ulcer...I'm going to use the power of mind and pretend its not there. Yes...it doesn't exists....it's not painful.....*ouch*

Today, I actually watched 'Zhan Shen' agian from episode 1 till 9. Zaizai....wo ai ni!!! AHhahAHhaH....Gosh....if you watch Meteor Garden agian, you can actually see this 23 year old grow and become more mature! He's really came a long long way....and his acting has improved so much! Oh man...he's my prince charming...always will be my prince charming...*swoon*

I love his character 'Ling' in that series....but I rather call him using their Japanese names. Sounds so much better...'Rei' Man...I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend like 'Rei'...even though he's a bit mental at times....

HmMmM...but then agian...the grass is always greener on the other side.

Gosh...when it boils down to reality, it'll be physically and mentally tiring to be with someone like 'Rei'.

I guess I need a man who's mature and at least somewhat intelligent and can hold a proper conversation. Someone who understands me and someone who won't suffocate me. I don't know....I need someone who will give me space and freedom to fly...but also someone who can pamper me and give me the love I need...

I was with my cousin just now. Hanging out at her place agian, having a girly chat. You know how there are so many fake people around us? In front of you, they put on a big smile, give you a big hug and then act as your best friend. Behind you, they back stab and bitch about you.

It's really sad that people like these exists. But it's a men eat men world and when we're put out in the working world, we'll automatically be on survival mode. We need to protect ourselves and safe ourselves right?
So no matter how nice you are to people, there will be someone to just eat you up.

My thought on that? Just do everything and treat everyone with LOVE. Really...it makes alot of difference. As i said before, I hate being fake. If i don't like you, then I won't bother with you. But if I did...then everything i do or say is out from the heart and with love.....isn't that what friendship is all about?

YEAH YEAH....KARMA JUNKIE AGIAN!!! I should just shut up now....go back to sleep....GeEeZzE...too much sleep really did something weird to my brains....

Maybe I should light up some of my aromatherapy candles and just sit in the dark, listening to Sarah McLachlan's angelic voice...it always calms me down and gives me inspiration...yeah...that's what i should do.....

From Angel to Bitch

2004-09-28T01:20:00.000+08:00

Yes...I'm officially P.O at an idiot who's nothing but a rubbish to society. I know i know...I've been preaching about controlling my temper...about spreading the love...bla bla bla...

God..I'm only human and I'm not perfect!!! Can somebody please tell me why on earth does people who has probably only half a brain with no personality what-so-ever exists in this lovely planet of ours?

Now I know why we need a license for owning a gun. If i had one...imagine the damage I'll cause...no...actually....Let's put it this way....if I had a gun...I'll be helping the society sweep off bad rubbish.

Gawd....imagine sitting on the same table with a laughing baboon, dotted with pimples and thinks he's all that great......UGHhhHh...

Stare at me for another minute and I swear I would've used my chopsticks to dig his tiny black coaled eyes out.

I mean...who would ever say this to a person you meet for the very first time? " I know you like me...." WHAT THE....

I wouldn't even look at you if you were the last pig on earth asshole!!!! I would rather just jump of the cliff and die with the rest of human kind to be stuck on earth with a brainless monkey like you!!!

Guess whut? He got my mobile from another friend of mine!!! What did he do? Call me while I was taking my long deserved nap.

First word= "Hi babe...this is your dream guy calling..."

My answer= "You mean my worst nightmare?"

ArgHhHh...he has such thick skin!!! He thought I was joking? Hell nO! I'm dead serious...Look...I don't even remember his name.

Low life creep...doesn't he have anything else better to do than bug the living daylights out of me?

I hate being mean...and I hate being blunt. But...maybe coz the drowsiness sort off clouded my mind, so I actually listened to him talk crap. Okay...fine...I admit...I was curious how stupid one person can get so I carried on listening.

Boy!!! I regretted that...listening to him speak has made me suddenly feel like I've lowered my IQ or something.....maybe stupidity is contagious?

So there I was....running a slight fever....my eyes closed....listening to this baboon go on and on about how he was 'so popular' with girls.

Trust me...if there's any girls interested in him....they're probably blind or deaf.

I finally couldn't take it....and told him. "Look...I'm sorry to say this...but I'm a real busy person with a life. I've no time for all this...and I seriously don't think i can fit you anywhere in my schedule or life right now. So please, don't call me agian...I'll call you when I'm free."

Blunt? Rude....heck...that's the very first time I ever said that to a guy or a human as a matter of fact. After I slammed down the phone and deleted his number *the idea of his memory in my life is enough to make me puke*, I actually felt bad...yeah....for a second!!!!

Thank God, with the little brains he had, he didn't call back. Coz if he did...I'll seriously loose it. Don't mess with a tired, feverish and grumpy angel....it's not a pretty sight....seeing a white angel turn black and nasty.

Angels of The Night

2004-09-26T16:39:00.000+08:00

GahhhHh....I've forgotten what it feels like to wake up in the morning and sleep at night. For the past 2 weeks...I've been sleeping at almost 6 in the morning, waking up at about 3 in the afternoon.

Healthy lifestyle? Hah...*smirk* How bout imagining Amy walking down the streets, sporting panda eyes as her new fashion statement? Good Idea??? Maybe I'll start a new pop culture eh? Yeah...panda eyes should be like...whut...the new jeans?

GoDdDdDd....and here I am...naive little me...thinking that my one week holiday is enough to recuperate all the lost sleep. Boy was I wrong!! I spend most of the week out! Yes...spontaneous Karaoke....Late night 'yam char' sessions...Clubbing....shopping....chit chatting....

But you know what? Despite all the complaints and whinning...I LOVE IT!! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE TASTE OF FREEDOM!! I love love love having being able to go out with whoever i want...whatever time i want....do whatever i want....

Gosh....I've never loved my life so much as I do right now!!! I enjoy giggling and laughing like idiots at Chili's with Debbie, Oscar and Rachel...I have fun being in the VVIP section in Zouk....I love the feeling of just cruising out of the house in the middle of the night when Ivan decides that he wants to go for a drink at 2 in the morning...hehee....

So, despite all the eye bags...and me looking pale....I still love doing it and I wouldn't change or exchange it for sleep even for a second. No...I want my life to continue like this. No more chains to tie me down...no more useless piece of shits giving me headaches....no more feeling pissed off or annoyed at one particular asshole....

I'm so happy...yes....happy happy happy as a bee....

Oh yeah....and I was watching Orange Days for the 5th time in less than 2 months...*hiroki...tsumabuki...SwOoOon* eheheh...but no...really...I love this drama.

First off, Kou never fails to make me cry in the 2nd episode about her going of about why is that only happening to her? I somehow can relate to her questions and how she felt. There was a point in my life, a few months back when I was sitting in my room.

I looked around me and I suddenly felt as if I couldn't breathe. I felt suffocated. It became so bad, that i had to take out every single picture i had of 'wank soon' from my photo frames. When I finally did that, I felt so much better.

I sometimes now whack myself in the head for being so stupid. So stupid for not leaving him earlier....so stupid for not being able to free myself from the prison he made from me.

But hey...the past is the past...and I'm glad I'm free now...hmmm...i wonder if my prince in shinning armour would one day come and sweep me off my feet? Yeah right!!! FAIRYTALES!!!

Let's just say....I've a feeling....that the next relationship would be better....*fingers crossed* But for the moment...let me have fun with all my friends!!!! Let me fly!!!

In ThE mINd Of A BorEd-Ess (bORed+ Goddes)

2004-09-22T09:46:00.000+08:00

Holidays are finally here. A week that is...and I thought to myself. "FINALLY! I can catch up on my rest and things i want to do."

I was wrong. I'm still bogged down with assignments and exams. Gosh. I just want this term to be over!!!! But then agian, when I'm at home, I wished I was going off to class the next day. Not to study or listen to the lecturer's talk about nonsensical issues that we pay them too, but to be with my darling friends who are like the sunshines in my life.

I'm only 21, and life has come to this? Total boredom? Nothing to do? Nothing to look forward too? OH NO!!! This isn't good....nope...it ain't good at all. I should be driven to do something, to be hyper or something. Not feel totally drained and stressed out! I feel as if i was 40 instead of 21.

Lately, I think all the work load and lack of sleep has gotten to me. My body doesn't feel as if it's mine anymore. I'm numb all over. I NEED A MASSAGE!!! GeEeZzEEe..I need more than a massage....I need a holiday! I need to get out of Malaysia. Maybe I should head down to Singapore eh? Yeah...maybe that's what I should do during Christmas. Spend some time with my long lost friends there.

Okay...the thing is, when I'm bored, my mind begin to do weird and crazy stuff. I begin to question myself. But before you go getting the wrong idea, I'm not crazy neither am I a depressive maniac.

It's just that, life in whole fascinates me. Especially us, human beings. They are such...complex creatures yet...sometimes so simple, its like reading a book.

So, there I was, sitting in a cafe, sipping my chamomile tea to soothe me and typing away on my notebook, trying to unclutter my brian. Then at one point, I looked up to get some inspiration.

What do I see? A guy digging his nose thinking he was doing it discreetly...but hey! I saw it!!! Then a woman in her 40's probably, with a pear shaped body and was wearing this ultra mini shorts started to scratch her hass.

Yes, I almost chocked on my tea to burst out laughing. The thing people do when they think nobody is watching. *ShaKeS hEaD*.

Then of course, there's your usual lovey dovey couple, who hooked onto like jelly fished unable to seperate. To be young and to be in love....isn't that a wonderful thing?

I've not given up on love. I think it's something to look forward too. To meet the guy who makes you all weird and I don't know...anxious? Then to miss him when you don't see him or talk to him. To look forward with spending time with him. Then of course....you want to do everything for him. To take care of him, to be there for him, to hold him when he's down and to smile and laugh with him when he's happy.

Gosh....I can't wait to find the next person who I'll give my heart too agian. But hey....when it comes, it comes. When it doesn't....then let it be. I'm not someone who goes looking desperately for a guy. I believe in fate.

Maybe I should stop sounding like some Karma junkie. But that's me. I don't like to let the past hold me down, stop me from loving agian. You learn from the past and then you move on. You embrace what had happened and then you don't turn around agian.

Hurt and pain is inevitable. But it'll definately make you stronger and wiser. That's good you know...for your next relationship. Then you'll know how to handle things better. Learn how to appreciate him or her more and not repeat the same mistake you've done in the past.

I guess in some ways, I'm really lucky to get my life back. I'm only 21 and my life has only just begun.

Like I was at my cousin's place the other day, lounging on her terribly comfy sofa as we sipped our apple juice, we started to talk about life and love in whole.

When she was younger, she went out with this guy for 9 years. She was so blindly in love with him, she didn't listen to what others said. Didn't believe he was two-timing her. She patiently waited for him with hopes to marry him one day. But because she was always flying (air-stewerdess), only her friends and family knew what kind of bastard Noelle really was.

True enough, when she hit 29, he dumped her for another girl. Or rather she found out about it. Imagine, 9 years with a guy, your entire youth given to him, only for him to destroy it in a matter of seconds.

Where is he now? Married to the woman he cheated on and has 2 kids now. My cousin? Well...I wasn't born yet when that incident happen. But as far as i could remember, she's been dating men from all over the world. Now, she's found one stable one who i really approve off. But they've no intention of getting married what-so-ever due to racial issues.

I told her, you're 45 and I'm 21. I haven't gone through as much or have experienced as much as you did. But i know somehow, you're holding on to the past. That's why your relationships doesn't work out. Because you're afraid.

I can't be afriad anymore. No relationships are guaranteed. Heck...if it came with a guarantee card, I would've asked for an exchange a long time ago. But no. Life and love is like that. Problems will always be there to bug you. Either you face it or don't. I choose to face it.

Running away isn't excatly the best solution. Maybe denial is?But if you can turn every unhappy thing into something positive...wouldn't live be much more brighter? The road and path you choose more clearer?

Goshh..I really did a whole load of rambling crap in one session. Maybe its the tea....Yes...it's definately the tea!!!

FrEeDOoM!!

2004-09-19T11:28:00.000+08:00

Imagine me cruising down the freeway, singing Robbie William's song on top of my lungs. Yup...that's excatly how I feel. I feel as if I've been reborn agian or something.

Wait...maybe I'm feeling that way because of the adrenaline rush and the lack of sleep I had. Yup....I only had 5 hours sleep in 3 days. And I kept on forgetting to eat my meals. I think all i had in that 3 days were just some slice of bread or something. Yeah...that is how busy i've been. Rushing for assignments at the very last minute.

Gosh....I've always been very disciplined, making sure that my assignments get done and stuff like that. Why oh Why do i have to leave all my work to the very last minute??? Worst....I totally forgot i had an assignment due on Friday and i only found out about it at 1am on Wednesday. The same time i was panicking out of my freaking mind to finish up my Client's brief.

But thanks to Ivan and Oscar who had helped me so much!!! *HuGgGzZz* Wouldn't have done it without you guys. Anyway, guess what? I rushed like a mad person for my Friday's due date and got to Uni late only to find out that Pn.Anita has pushed the date to Monday!!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT I FELT AT THAT TIME?

All the trouble i went through for NOTHING. I didn't sleep, eat and was falling asleep behind the wheel for whut? Gosh...but i didn't care. I told her, take it...i don't want to see this assignment anymore!!!

Nothing else is in my head now...except assignments, assignments and more assignments. God...i'm so beat...i can just collapse!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

But amazingly...I've never felt more at peace or happier than before. I feel free....and less suffocated. I guess my chains have been finally unlocked....

And then agian...I'm going through that emotional roller-coaster. Freaking stress....makes me panicky....hyper.....nervous...upset....ARGhHH....

I've no time for anything!!! Not even my writing...I tried sitting down to write a few days ago, but all i could think off was the Law Policy i had to come up with. This is screwed up!!

Let's hope this one week holliday, i can really rest and blardy get back some of my sleep. I'm starting to look like a panda and that's not good!!!

Life with a twist of Lemons

2004-09-13T20:23:00.000+08:00

I was cruising down the freeway on my way to University this morning, listening to Chester's crooning of Don't Stay and it suddenly hit me. This song is something I want him to hear, especially this part.

Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe

Sometimes I need you to stay away from me

Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know

Somehow I need you to go

Don’t stay

Forget our memories

Forget our possibilities

What you were changing me into

Just give me myself back and

Don’t stay

Forget our memories

Forget our possibilities

Take all your faithlessness with you

Just give me myself back and

Don’t stay

Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well

Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself

Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know

Somehow I need to be alone

I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored

I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away

I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored

I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away

With no apologies

Yes, I really want him out of my life. I'm praying hard, he doesn't come stalking me and bugging my life once that girl leaves. I just need to get my life back on track.

After awhile, I started to think about life. Yes. L.I.F.E....a little too heavy for the morning but, I couldn't help it.

I started to ask myself, What is Life? Is there a meaning to it? What is my purpose on this earth? Is it to help someone? To recieve help from someone? To learn something? To teach something? Am I all that usefull?

Then I looked around me, these people...similar to me...sitting in their own machineries, looking blankly ahead or doing their own things. What's going inside their heads? Isn't it amazing how the world seems so huge, yet it's so tiny? Every single person in the whole stretch of road, they lead a different life, they have different personalities, they have different backgrounds...but yet....in the end...we're the same...

Life doesn't actually revolves aroun one person or one thing. No matter what happens, life goes on. The sun will still shine and people will continue to live.

I decided as I reached the carpark of my University, I should look at life in a broader horizon. The world is my oyster...there's no limit to my dreams...there's no ending until I decided to put that fullstop. Yes, I'm feeling optimistic about things today.

My taste of life? Take it with a little pinch of salt and lemon. It's sour...but it'll be sweet when you accquire the taste. I laughed, I cried, I sang and I danced. I'm so glad that I'm human...and I'm able to feel all that emotions.

Nobody needs to understand me or accept me. As long as I learn how to accept myself. I can make a choice right now. To be filled with HATRED and ANGER or to be at peace with LOVE and FORGIVENESS. I choose the latter.

Having to hate someone....to be angry at someone...takes too much energy. But to love someone and to forgive them, is something one must do to get peace and serenity in life.

From now on, I'm going to follow my heart. Follow my soul and that little voice that has never been wrong. I'm going to treat hate with love, anger with patience and jealousy with kindness.

I truly believe in retribution....if one has done bad...he or she...will pay for it in the end. I'm not going to play God and punish him or her for the things they've done.

A Black Viel.

2004-09-11T17:54:00.000+08:00

For the past 5 years, a black viel covered my eyes, my thoughts and my mind. I only saw the world he painted for me to see, lived in the world he built for me and only listened to his voice who commanded me.

I was in fact, a puppet who never saw the light and the reality of the real world.

It wasn't until recently, that black viel was pulled away by all my supportive friends, knocking senses into my head and also trying to undo the damage he had done with my mind.

They showed me that there's more to life than only the one I was made to see. They made me realized he had been manupilative and cunning all these while. They made me see that all the time I've been protecting him was actually a sort of reassurance to my phatetic little self.

Little by litte, I realized how malicious and poisonous he was. How many times have he lied to me? How many times has he cheated on me? How many times must I fall into his trap?

Not anymore. That viel has been removed. I can see now and am no longer blinded by his sweet words and hypocritical ways.

I'm glad....I'm happy...that I'm out of this abusive relationship.

I was made to wonder last night, how I really felt about him? I came to one conclusion. I stopped loving or being in love with him almost a year ago. That is why I don't hurt as much as I did before. In fact....I never felt freer and lighter in my whole entire life.

Do I regret ever being with him? Honestly, No. I see things in a very simple way. We did have our good time after all and we did at one point loved each other.

I believe that there's a reason to everything you do and everyone you meet. He was probably one of the person who stumbled into my life to teach me something.

I guess....being sad is inevitable but once I'm over being sad, I know for a fact that I'll be stronger and wiser.

Last night, Debbie, Rachel, Oscar, Kevin and I sat in Starbucks from 10 pm till 3 pm...talking basically about life and everything under the sun, moon and stars.

As I sat there, listening to my friends chatter, I realized how lucky I am to be sitting there with these group of people who are willing to help me during this rough patch of my life.

What will I ever do without them? I really don't know....I might not be as strong as I am right now. I don't feel as lonely anymore. Because I know, they are actually only a phone call away.

How can I be so stupid to let him poison my mind? Making me shun these wonderful people away? Making me believe that they're there to backstab me when in fact it was he who did all the shit?

They made me realize how insecure he was and how controlling he is. I pity him. I really do...that's why I can't hate him.

I realize now, he's just this boy...who is so insecure of his own self and is so lost in his own world, he needs someone to control, to make him feel superior, to make him feel good about himself. Is that why he does not own a proper job? Is that why he mixes with friends who are younger and more naive than he is so that they look up to him like a God?

The answer, Yes. That is why....I really pity him. As a human, I can definately say...he's a failure...and if one would look deeper and not allow him to hypnotize your mind...then one would know...he isn't as confident and as smart as he makes it look.

I decided yesterday, that this chapter of my life has ended. What is to come? I don't know. Would it be better? Let's hope so.

For I know I've moved on...I've let go...because yesterday, I laughed for the first time in 5 years...and it felt good.

For Better or For worst

2004-09-10T14:57:00.000+08:00

For better or for worst....I'll try to stand on my own two feet agian...with or without you...life goes on....as time passes...pain will fade...pain will ease....soon....your voice will become a soft whisper...and your face a hazy blur...and then your phone number would be a task to remember....

Yes...I've let go....long before today...but it still hurts...to be betrayed...to be lied too...and to be put down that way...

Why did i endure the pain and poison you injected in me for so long? I don't know...comfort zone perhaps. Why did I allow you to call me names? Why did I allow you to controll my life? Why did I allow you to diss my friends? Why did I allow you to cause me pain?

I was plain stupid.

When I saw the pictures....I was surprised how painful that really was....more like a slap in the face...I didn't think twice when I dialled your number...and asked you...why did you lie to me? Your reply..."Emm...emm..." slam down the phone...and switch it off.

Did i cry? No...I was just numb....maybe in the past...i will...but not anymore...you're not worth my tears no more.

But yes...what you did was a blow to my self esteem...my courage and confidence....I've started to hate myself way before this...but i don't blame you...nobody is to be blamed...except me...

Is cheating on your other half justifiable? Never....but it does happen....and it will continue to happen...

I don't know how to feel anymore.....But...Thank You Oscar...for feeding me today....for being there for me....and for talking to me....I know I might've sounded stupid...but I will take your advice in consideration...

Let's hope that.....I'll meet with a miracle one day.....coz I really don't want to stop believing.....

Shattered Trust, Broken Heart...

2004-09-09T15:20:00.000+08:00

First of all, I would like to thank all my wonderful friends, Oscar, Liy, Debbie, Bonita, Corinne and Dira who were by my side to give me some encouraging words and support.

I guess in certain ways, my relationship with Wai Soon was doomed from the begining. Some of you asked me, 'Do you honestly love him Amy?' I can't answer you. Most of the time, I answered. 'I do love him...but...I'm not sure anymore."

Why I stuck out with him? I guess I was in that comfort zone...we were together for 5 years...we grew up together, went thru hell and back and hell agian together.

I've been wondering for the past few months, was he really 'the one' for me. Everyone around me...has been advising me...that he wasn't my type. Wasn't compatible with me. Why didn't I see it? Was I that blind?

No...i did see it. But i was afraid to let it go. I know that sooner or later i've to leave him. Because I was feeling suffocated by him. Yes...i did a mistake ONCE...a long time ago...but i made up for it...and he should've stopped controlling my life after that.

He shouldn't diss my friends, stop me from going out with them or even stop me from having guy friends. I shouldn't have allowed him to controll my life. But i did. That's why it's time for me to let go. I need my freedom and my space to breathe.

People said that he would be the one who destroy my life. To push me down. To never let me fly and be free. I'm glad I've made the choice to leave him now. Even though it hurts...and it had to end up this way.

Being lied to and betrayed....it's never easy...but he's a hypocrite for doing what he did. He went harping about the importance of trust. How i shouldn't mix with guys. How no guys should be calling me and how i shouldn't go out with any guys.

Am I angry? I was at first....very angry...for being betrayed. But now...I'm just thankful. Thankful i found out earlier and thankful that I didn't make a wrong choice to go into marriage and then later end up in divorce.

I guess I knew from the begining. My body started to reject him but my mind was telling me..."Hey...you still need him..." I remember how I would pull away from his touch...i didn't like him kissing me....neither could i stand him most of the time. I got irritated by him easily and I just didn't miss him anymore. My heart was dead long before i found out he betrayed me.

Was it my fault? I don't know...but hell...when a guy cheat on you....it makes one wonder. Am I not good enough? Am i that ugly? Am i not thin enough?

Yes....that's what i'm feeling now. Maybe I wasn't pretty or thin enough...or maybe i wasn't a good girlfriend?

But my mother...she's happy. She said that i deserved better. But hey...isn't that what people always say to cheer you up?

Somehow...I looked into my future and i really don't see him there. I can't...because if he was....i really felt i can't breathe.

I don't know....I'm sad because I thought i can trust him...I'm sad because of all the promise that he made was just empty words...I'm sad because he lied to me...and I'm sad because I sacrificed my friends...my life...my happiness just for him. In return I get this crap? Do I deserve all this? Am I torturing myself?

Yes...I was torturing myself. I was never that happy...but i kept on telling myself...I was...

The tears i shed...was minimal compared to the past. The pain i feel is not as much as i did as before....But....yes...it still hurts....the anguish and pain...but i don't hate him. We did have great times. We grew up together....but what's a relationship really? Is it because of the memories?

I need my wings back....I need my freedom...and I need to get my life back on track. I need to chase my dreams....dreams that would be impossible if I was still with him.

Like a bird...my wings had been cliped for 5 years...I'm afriad to fly alone...afriad to see what's beyond the cage I've been kept in. But i'll try...I'll try to learn how to fly without him....

A brand new life...a brand new soul...a brand new personality....

To all my wonderful friends out there....don't worry about me...I might be miserable for a short period...and I might need you for my support and strength...and maybe a shoulder to cry on once in awhile...but when i'm done crying...when i'm done being sad...

Be there for me when I smile agian...when the old and happy Amy comes back.....

Bitching and Chewing Gum

2004-09-04T16:38:00.000+08:00

OH GOD! I swallowed a chewing gum while driving back from Uni yesterday. I know it's harmless but...hell it's uncomfortable!!! It's like this big grape flavored clay stuck in betwen my throat.

Okay, nothing interesting happened during the week...but one thing for sure is...we got 'MADAM' Hakimah to resign!!! Oh YeSsS!! We are cruel and evil students.

Hey, basically, it's not any of our faults. Joseph Fernandez from the main campus in Australia came to moderate us and also lectured us for two periods. Oh man...the difference between his lecture and that stupid dumb bitch lecture was like....eating ice cream and eating shit. Get what i mean? He was very clear, very straight to the point and we understood everything in the snap of a finger. He was that good!

When he was done, he asked us if we all had to present anything today and we said yes. We had 8 presenters and he was shocked! We then proceeded to tell him what we were about to present and all and he was appalled. Because we are going to present on chapters that wasn't even taught yet!!!

Then he asked us what was the going-on's in class and you can actually see his beady little eyes growing wider. Before we left, he said in a very serious tone. "This is very shocking. I'll look into it."

*bANg* The next day, we went into Anita's class who is by the way our programmed leader. She announced that she wanted to see all students who took Journalism after class.

She sat us down and asked us what happened. Apparently Hakimah was adamant about resigning and had already handed in her pass and tag. I asked her if it was our doing? And she said no. Joseph probably didn't give Hakimah any face and scolded her for being such a lousy lecturer.

Later, I went for lunch with Mr. Bong and told him everything. I told him that I actually feel a little guilty for being part of the gang who made Hakimah resigned. He told me. "Why are you so soft hearted? You paid as a student to get quality lecturers. Let her go. It's good to see bad apples rot away outside."

He was right. There was no point having a lecturer like her in our class teaching us nothing but air.

Oh well....that's that and I've to live with it. It just proves that she's not strong enough to actually withstand us....it's true...never look down on your students. Especially when they're degree holders.

I'm going to meet up with Mr.Bong for tea on Sunday....we had a very serious talk about my future and which road I should take after I leave the Uni. I sometimes feel as if he has too high hopes on me...and I'm so afriad to let him or anyone down.

*sIGh*

I don't know...I'm feeling a little depressed lately...maybe because of all the stress and work piling up in front of me.

It's my fault....my fault for not following my timetable...my fault for being sometimes lazy...and my fault for being too engross with things that isn't very important.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't even know who I am anymore...I'm begining to hate myself...appereance...personality and all....

What has become of me? Where have the bubbly and optimistic Amy gone? I don't know...if you find her....tell me.

The sweetest form of Revenge.

2004-08-30T18:38:00.000+08:00

Today, I finally got my revenge. Yes...and it was damn sweet and delicious. Sweeter than honey and as scrumptious as Ice cream.

So this is what happened. For the first class, Mr.Short Tongue sat in front of me while I sat next to Liy. I told her about what he had done to me and purposely threw insults out loudly and I'm very sure he heard it. For example. "Shesh shtalk shlike sthis." meaning= "He talks like this"

Let's just hope he's not as stupid and got the hint. Then the topic of abortion came up. Ms. Lim asked us if we're pro-abortion or agianst it. So, Mr.Short Tongue decided to share his thought, which was really stupid. I mean, about aborting a baby, it really depends on the situation right? He said, "Hey...if you don't want to get pregnant then don't do it!"

Guess what i said out loud? Yes....I said, "FOR GOD SAKE! THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED CONTRASEPTIVES"

Then he shot something back which i couldn't hear at all. That's because his sentence was really slurred and blurred. So I said out loud, "No wonder you're still a virgin!"

AHAHAHAH...Liy hit me in the arm and said I was mean. So what? An eye for an eye...don't mess with me...coz you hit me once...i'll hit you back 10 times more.

After that class, we headed off to Violet's class and Liy was joking with him about something like. If she's not married by 25, he has to take care of her. Which was really dumb and he saw my facial expression. I totally ignored him and threw my comments to Liy like, "Hey, trust me, you'll get better." or "Are you sure you don't want to look around? I'm sure there's better guys out there." and "I'll find you normal guys if you can't find one when you hit 25."

Then finally he said, "I don't know what she has agianst me today." DUH....what do you think?! and when i was saying something to Violet, he suddenly crack a comment about my boyfriend.

I whipped around and glared at him and said, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT COMMENT ABOUT?"

He looked away and then replied softly, "What was all your comments about?"

I got to him! YES!

So I ignored him agian, after class, I decided to head down to Lunch with Mr.Bong. Without Mr.Short Tongue. I saw him sitting alone at the opposite cafeteria. MAUHAHAHA.....

Anyway, Mr.Bong was really sweet cause i was talking to him about my problems, saying that I was confused and have lost my direction. He said he was very happy to hear me say that. That's because only people who can do many things and who are capable have these problems. So he asked me to prepare a brief for him, about my self. An Ad strategy. He said no matter what, he'll be willing to help me....and he seems to have really high hopes on me.

He said out of all his students, he really believes in me....We got to talking more and then he pointed out some of the people in our past class. And we came to Mr. Short Tongue!

Mr.Bong don't like him. He said that Mr.Short Tongue is a conceited, arragont, male chauvanist pig and that he'll fall on his face sooner or later. THis is coming from a man who's been in the industry and was once the top in his line.

But now i've got my revenge...i'll just ignore him. He's a ghost to me. He doesn't exists.

Anyway, tomorrow will be Malaysia's very own 47th National Day. What am I going to do to celebrate it? PARTY of course!!! Yay...we'll be going out tonight...all 30 of us. Patriotic? YEAH RIGHT?!?! We're just finding an excuse to go out and party hard.

Oh...and how can i forget this?!?! Today for Media Law (Hakimah's class) we have a guest lecturer/moderator from Curtin University, Joseph Fernandez. OH BOY!! She's in trouble. We complained so much to him...and he was shocked!!! Yes yes yes!!

*bAnG* SHE'S DOWN...ahhahah

Piggin out...

2004-08-28T19:43:00.000+08:00

I remember how when I was younger and my mom would forbid me from eating too much ice-cream before dinner and how I used to sneak to the refridgerator and happily help myself to a popsicle...of course that destroyed my appetite and I got a hell of a scolding when I couldn't finish my dinner.

Well, that's how I feel today. Suddenly, I found myself being 10 agian. I waited for my parents to go on their weekend holiday and *TADA!!!* I've the whole entire house to myself.

So what did I do? Grabbed the car keys, headed to Jusco and stocked up on all my junk food. Imagine a canon going loose in the Japanese snack aisle.

I happily went home with a bag full of junk food, sat in front of my TV and I was officially glued to the couch for the next 2 hours, watching my CSI marathon.

Guess whut? I'm regretting it now...I feel sick....

Yeah, my lunch consisted of Pocky, Juice, rice crackers and more rice crackers. *OoOHh...my tummy*

I brought this upon myself....the worst part? I feel fat....yes...I feel like a freaking fat lazy pig...when one feel fat, they hide at home and not go out...

Oh God...I need to go on a diet for a WEEK to loose all these carbs....Ughhh...I'm disgusted with myself....

Okie...enough of me whinning about my freaking screwed up obsession with my diet and food. Let's move on to something more interesting.

Why was I watching CSI? Well other for the fact that I love that series, I actually find it educational. Yes...if someone really pisses me off....he or she would end up being the victim of a 'perfect crime'. *EviL LaUgH*

Geeze...I think all the sugar is making me a little 'whacky'. But seriously. I've been getting so annoyed at people these days, it isn't funny anymore. I used to be so much more patient and mild tempered. Must be the PMS. Yea...yea...blame it on the PMS...

Let's take Mr.'Short Tongue' for example. Call me psychotic, I don't give a shit. But when he uttered those idiotic words to me, the image of me pulling his short tongue out and slicing it with a sharp knife and then feeding it to the dogs actually crossed my mind.

Of course, wouldn't it be fun to then sit back, watch that retarded ass flop on the ground like a fish, gasping for air. What would I do? Laugh of course and then walk away. Yes....this is how much I hate the bastard.

First time in my life I'm feeling so much rage and anger...ask anyone who knows me well. I'm usually very calm and peaceful. I guess it only takes one fucker to actually spark off that bitch in me. OoOhhH...he's going to so regret it right now. I can't wait till monday...*Rubs hands together gleefully*...I'm going to make a guy who is 2 years older than me cry....

Yes wuss....fucking cry....see if i care.

Stupid people should just Die....

2004-08-27T12:21:00.000+08:00

Repeat after me...Stupidity is not Forgivable....Stupidity is not FORGIVABLE!!

Yes...this is one hell of an angry blog. A place where i can bitch and not feel guilty about.

Don't fucking come up to me and shove it in my face by saying. " You reminded me of Pat when I first met you."

FUCK YOU!!! You weren't actually on my favorite person list's as well. In fact, you were on my hate list. A guy which i found horribly annoying and butt-fucking ugly. You just don't realize that not alot of people actually like you. I'm not going to mention names but there are your 'friends' who hangs out with you who goes around talking bad about you too.

You're freaking 23 and you're still in Uni...what does that say about you? Don't act as if you're smart when you're not and PUH LEASE...don't even try to be sarcastic and think you're funny when it comes out sounding lame and weak.

First of all, you've a short tongue. It's not that i'm laughing at your 'disability' but you deserve it. 'Osh yesh....i'm very shheeepy shtoday..." in human language it means..."Oh yes, I'm very sleepy today."

Don't fucking mess with a woman who's a bitch and when she's PMS-ing....its like waving a fucking red flag in front of a raging bull.

I've always been nice and actually civil to this 'short-tongued' bastard. Now i just plain hate him and i wished he would just fall flat on his fuck ugly face and die.

By the way, Pat is this girl in our class who speaks faster than the bullet train in Japan and doesn't seem to have the need to breathe. She's a fire starter and seems to have an opinion to every single thing from the errosion of stones to animals who can't get out from a ditch. Yes...she's a hypocritical nerd who play boulder's gate and do nothing but read journals in the vicinity of her room because she doesn't have a life or friends to hang out with.

Pity? Yes...until she opens her mouth and starts shooting out incoherant words. 'Fine...I declare defeat in this battle FOR NOW...'

What???? Who on earth is battling with you? Who on earth is at war with you? God....we're just sharing our point of views.... She's like a girl who's so angry at the world...tsk tsk tsk...sadness...

Oh....let's get back on track with that fucking short tongued asshole. For one thing is....he's not fucking popular in class...in fact...as my good buddy pointed out....he's like an outcast....

Why? You tell me....